Does This Mean I'm Famous Now

To the asswipe who just became my follower, apparently you're stupider than you look. If you're going to steal my posts, then don't fucking FOLLOW me so that I can see you have copy/pasted my entire post and claimed it as your own, fucktard. 

I am not sure whether I should be pissed or flattered that my posts are so awesome that you considered stealing them and claiming them as your own. Next time however write your own fucking shit and leave mine the hell alone!!!

Go Here Because I Said So

Since my crazy has decided to be all boring and stop working and I have nothing interesting to say to the 3 of you who actually read the rambling shit that I spew upon the page, I have decided to share a little love with you today.

No, get back! Not that kinda love! 

In my search for never ending insanity, I stumbled upon a blog who is doing something amazing and very very brave. She is collecting the insanity together in one spot and sharing it with people. See I told you she was brave. 

Every Monday she has a blog hop for mental illness which is way beyond cool. She also does writing and a lot of other stuff but you guys know me I am drawn to the crazy. 

So go check her out. WordsinSync you will not be disappointed. Make sure to save me a seat and don't forget to bring sour skittles. It's rude to show up to a party empty handed. 

When Crazy is Boring

I really had no intention of posting today. I am not necessarily inspired to write, but then I got to thinking that it is important that I document this "normality". Is that even a word? Oh well it is now. My blog is in some ways a mood journal. So why does that mean I document only the "negative" moods? Why not the good ones as well? Whenever the word "bipolar" is mentioned, most people and even myself sometimes, only think mania, crazy, out of control, hypomania, delusional. You never think calm, boring, normal, but those things do exist in our brains. It's just they are fighting for air and usually when they surface, we get so freaked out by their presence we either run away from them or push them back down. 

People with bipolar often live years undiagnosed, and those who like me developed bipolar symptoms during adolescence begin to consider that anxiety panic ridden state as "normal". We live with our brains on warp speed for so long that when they slow down we don't recognize that and it actually becomes a little bit scary.

Last night Jigger and I were lying down watching the cricket match and I was making fun of the rules because seriously they were made up by some drunk guy who was slipped some LSD. Don't believe me? Look at the rules sometimes see if I am not right. Anyways, we were sitting there laughing and suddenly it struck me that we were sitting there laughing. Being "normal". Enjoying each other instead of screaming at each other and the most shocking thing is that I actually kinda liked it. Before I use to feed off of the drama. I equated abuse with love. I didn't know how to love. How to be in a real relationship that wasn't toxic. I had to learn and I think it is important for loved ones of people with bipolar to understand this. 

Sometimes we crave the toxicity, the drama, the insanity, simply because we believe that is how things are suppose to be. If Jigger hadn't taught me that those things weren't normal, then I guarantee you that I would still be doing all of them. The only reason I am now able to see that my perceptions were not correct is because he taught me. Now I realize all of my perceptions are not simply because of bipolar. Some have to do with the abuse I suffered from my father and ex, but the bipolar didn't help. It twisted things inside my mind and it makes it almost impossible for us to verbalize what we are feeling. The only way we can express ourselves is through actions. Understanding the actions of a person with bipolar is extremely important. Most often they are telling you they need help, but it's just not in a language you might understand.

The point of this post? Not really sure. It's just a bunch of rambling thoughts that are rolling around. Hopefully a few of them made sense. I realize that my header usually is a reflection of the mood I am in, but don't think that just because I am "happy" that there will suddenly be rainbows, flowers, and butterflies in it. If you ever come and find those things,  then I have been kidnapped and someone pretending to be me is writing me blog. Please call 911 and report me MIA.

Bazinga

 Complete First,            Second,                 Third Seasons

In the words of the world's most brilliant mind, BAZINGA!! I think I figured out this "funk", I am in. For about a week now I have been feeling, well off. I attributed it to a "funk". I wasn't necessarily inspired to write. At least not here. I have been writing, but I dunno I just didn't feel I wanted to talk about bipolar. Then yesterday Lance, the wonderfully talented writer who loves to taunt me with his well timed cliff hangers made a comment on my post, and I (can't believe I am about to admit this), well I laughed. 

Yes I know I am as shocked as the rest of you. All 3 of you who read my blog, but it was at that moment I realized EXACTLY what this "funk" is. I think for the first time in well EVER I am feeling "normal". I know what the hell is that, but I  am certain that is what this is.

I don't feel anxious or panicked or stressed or frustrated or like my skin might crawl off of my while I am sleeping and attempt to strangle me using my own veins. I don't feel particularly paranoid or worried. There's a big bright yellow thing up in the sky that I had never particularly paid attention to before and apparently it makes the world a little less dark. I don't know how I couldn't have seen it but this is the first time I have noticed it. Jigger and I are enjoying each other again. We have watched TV together, laughed, had conversations and just been content in each other's presence. 

It's strange I tell ya. I don't know what to do with this. I am not my sarcastic self and well it's weird. I was diagnosed at 13 with "manic depression", the name of bipolar before bipolar was called bipolar. I have always lived with this inner storm. Always boiling, churning, ready to burst free at any moment, and now it's as if the waters have calmed. It's actually kinda nice. It  scares the hell out of me that when the bottom falls out that I will fall farther than I ever have before but still for the moment I think I will just enjoy the calm waters.

When people hear the word "bipolar" they instantly think crazy, mania, mood swings. I think that the main issue or at least for myself is that I went so long untreated. So long without knowing what was wrong with me, so long believing that I was "broken". Now my life is kinda normal or at least as normal as my life can be under the circumstances and I don't even recognize this feeling. I think this is why a lot of people with bipolar fight this feeling and run from it. It's new, different, strange, UNKNOWN. It's just human nature to run from the unknown. We crave the things that we know even if the thing that we know is a monster hiding in the darkness.

I'm Melting

(imagine a really cool pic here; blogger was being a bitch and wouldn't add it

I got tired of waiting I don't do patience so consider this a lesson 

in expanding your imagination)

It's hot. I know everyone keeps saying it but I mean it. It's 1-2-0 right now and I am melting. My SIL and her two boys came today. I was surprised to see them I thought they weren't coming until next month. She spends every summer here with her kids. I really do like her. She is one of my favorite SIL's, but I am already feeling claustrophobic in this house so I know this won't help.

In better news, Jigger got his visas. Due to some drama that happened we were a bit worried. All I can say is people be careful who does your medical exams. Be very very careful.

I haven't been very inspired this week therefore haven't really written much. I have sat down to write a post several times, started a draft, and half way through hated it. Then I just deleted it and went off to watch cricket. The sport not the bug.

So yea not sure what is going on with me. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's Jigger about to leave in less than ten days. Maybe it's a snowball's fault at the north pole. I honestly don't know. I just feel confucked.

Hmm what else can I tell you? Oh the fridge finally got fixed. Yea we live exciting lives people, aren't you jealous?!  Since I can't think of anything else. Here listen to this:

I Just Might Have a Life

So I haven't been around much the last few days. There has been a lot going on. Jigger is preparing for his trip so there were embassy meetings and medical exams. Then there was the whole fridge fiasco which is fixed now btw. I know you all have been dying of anticipation to know if we had got it fixed or not so yea it's fixed. You can relax now. 

This is Jigger's first real trip and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I mean he is very happy to be going, but I love the whole process of traveling. Seeing new things, meeting new people, learning new cultures. I love the smells, the sounds, the whole sha-bang. I am so excited that he will get to experience it. It is definitely something that he never even bothered dreaming about because he considered it such an impossibility and now he is doing it. 

This is also a very strange new feeling for me. Being happy for someone else especially when they are doing something I want so very badly. I would literally chew off my arm if I could go, but sigh I am unable to. Stupid ass visa. 

Ordinarily I would feel cheated and I admit when I first found out I couldn't go, I could feel the pain of loss and rejection beginning to seep into me. But I forced myself to be "happy" for him. He deserves this just as much as anyone else and hopefully one day I will get to go too. At first the feelings were forced and not genuine, but now seeing him starting to get excited about going, I really do feel happy for him. I don't feel that pain of loss. I don't feel like I am being cheated or forgotten. In some ways I feel like I am also going. I can feel it through him and that is definitely new for me. 

I am not quite sure what to do with these feelings. They are very strange and foreign to me. I think that is something a lot of people don't understand. People think I don't want to be happy, but since I have never truly known "happiness" or "calm" whenever those feelings come I honestly get scared by them. I don't know what they are. I don't know if I can trust them. I have become so attached to my pain that anything that tries to take it from me I push away and that includes the feeling of "happiness". The pain is the one constant in my life of chaos. The one thing I could always count on being there. In some ways, it has become my "security blanket" and the thought of it being taken is as traumatic to me the same way it is traumatic to a two year old who has to wait for his/her blankey to be washed. 

So I am just sort of riding this new found feelings. Trying to get comfortable in them. Trying to enjoy being with Jigger and spending time with him because he will be leaving in a couple weeks. 

I actually am starting to think I might miss him when he is gone. Just a little.

Why Every Bipolar Needs a Jimminy Cricket

I've had this post rolling around in my brain for quite awhile, but there always seems to be some other thought that is screaming "oh pick me me me me pick me" much louder so I haven't posted on this. Then yesterday I read Haven's post about Denial. If you have BPD, bipolar, anxiety, or just breathe, then you need to read her post. After reading her post, it really brought up a lot of memories for me. One thing that I have come to realize is that it is extremely important that those of us with PD, bipolar, anxiety, etc have people around us who are positive influences. One comment I get the most is that I am extremely self aware. However if you had met me even two years ago, you would have seen little more than a sniveling snotpile of denial. 

I only became this way because Jigger shoved a mirror in front of me and forced me to look at it. He did it in a way that allowed me to grow and learn and make my life better. It wasn't easy. In the beginning I fought back like hell. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to deal. I wanted to forget. Be numb, but Jigger refused to allow me to remain in that snotpile. He dragged me out of it kicking and screaming. 

Now being able to see the world with a bit more clarity I can see how detrimental my ex was to my sanity. He use to do things and then totally deny them. We separated in 1999 but were still legally married. I just moved out of our house. Over the next couple years we would have moments where we would get back together for the sake of the kids, but he would continue to cheat on me with other women and now looking back I can say that he tortured me psychologically. What he did went way beyond abuse. It was downright torture. It literally drove me over the edge. I remember one of the last time he and I were together was at New Year's . To be honest I can't remember if it was 2000 or 2001 but I know it was New Year's. Time gets jumbled in my brain. We had gone out, had dinner, celebrated New Year's, talked about new beginnings, making a better home and life for our children, and I actually believed everything he said. Then a few weeks later he started distancing himself from me. He was short, snappy, argumentative. Then one day he showed up with his girlfriend. Who I should mention was 16/17 years old at the time. She started out as our babysitter. She was the daughter of my ex's best friend. When I asked him where he spent New Year's, he stood there and looked me in the eye and swore that he was home alone. That he hadn't seen me or been with me. That he didn't want to be with me. 

He told everyone that I was lying. Then she and him started this campaign that I was trying to keep THEM apart. That I was coming between THEIR relationship. That I was the CRAZY bitch who wouldn't let THEM be together. I really felt like I was in the twilight zone. Yes he and I had problems, but ultimately we were still married. We had two children together. We had been trying for two years to fix things. Well I had been honestly trying to fix things. They made ME out to be the bad guy. I was the wrong one, and all of our friends and my family agreed with THEM. I was evil. I had done wrong. I should just GO AWAY. If I wasn't there, then the world would be perfect. I was the cause of all things wrong. I heard this twisted reality so often that I started questioning my own perceptions of reality. Everything was so chaotic and my brain could not process it or make sense of it, and I slipped into a fantasy world. I controlled the fantasy. I "controlled" the delusional world that I created. It made sense. In my delusion, up was still up. 

The last time I spoke with my children which was several years ago, they told me not to call them or harrass them. So I told them ok this is my number if you want to talk to me or see me just give me a call. I won't call you again, and I didn't. They proceeded to call me as much as 50 times a day to tell me they did not want to talk to me to stop harrassing them. At the time I was living with a friend who got so fed up with their bullshit she answered my phone and bitched them out. Eventually I ended up having to change my number, but I was harrassing them. If you ask any of their friends or my family or anyone in general, I was the wrong one. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not claiming that I didn't do anything wrong in the marriage. That I was a saint or perfect. My point which is buried somewhere in all this is that it is so extremely important that you have strong positive people around you. People who will be there to help you glue the pieces back together. People who will help you to see the world as it truly is. People who won't judge or condemn you. Even if they are 1000's of miles away. Even if you only speak to them via email. It is so important for your health and well being. 

I wouldn't be the person I am today without those people. They know who they are. Just like Pinnocchio, bipolar people need a Jimminy Cricket in their lives. That doesn't mean that your life will never have bumps and potholes. It just means that you will have someone there when you fall into them.