Paddles, Creeks, and Buckets

When I lay down this morning, my head had a little man banging a drum inside of it. He wasn't very good and he only knew one tune which he insisted on playing continuously. It was his playing that caused me to lie down 2 hrs earlier than I normally do. You see I work at night and sleep during the day. Or well I pretend to sleep much more than I actually sleep, but it's the only way I can get to be "alone" in a house full of people that don't quite grasp the concept that I prefer "alone". 

So this morning when the little man began to play his drum inside my head and the light kissed the sky, I decided I would lie down. However the universe had other plans. 

After I had been lying down about half an hour, my MIL came running into my room, arms waving, mumbling something which I ignored. I sighed and turned over. It was going to be one of those days. I often ignore my MIL. She rants I say "theeka" (which means OK btw). I have found this method keeps me from committing murder so it is something I do often. About half an hour after my MIL went out, my SIL comes in. She's going on about something and water and something and water. I open one eye, mumble something, curse the man playing the drum in my head and turn over. It would take me all of 45 secs to realize what my SIL had been saying. You see I ignore her a lot too. Again murder is not one of the things on my bucket list however ignoring is. 

When my SIL left, I turned over, closed my eyes and prayed that no one else would come in my room. I prayed for aloneness instead I got water. You see I sleep on the floor and it took the something water my SIL had been mumbling about all of 45 secs to reach me after she left. It took me 0.5 secs to become fully awake, jump up, grab my computer and work things off the floor. The sheets and pillows offered themselves as willing sacrifices so that my attention could be fully upon getting all of my electronic equipment out of the water that was now pouring into my room from the door that connects my room with the alley way. 

Apparently when I decided to lie down this morning, the universe decided it would rain. Heavily. When the universe rains heavily, our alley way floods, and when our alley way floods, water pours into our house from every open crevice. While this happens every time it rains, it doesn't always flood the entire house. Usually we can contain it in the patio area which is "outside" sorta, but easily cleaned with no harm done. However today there was no containing the surge that poured through the alley way and through our entire house. This happens 3-4 times a year so we all knew what to do.

Once the water started to recede, we each took our positions. My BIL first in line, then me, then my MIL, then my SIL, then another BIL who just happened to be visiting. With squeegees, brooms, and buckets we began to push the water from one end of the house to the other. The line must work together or else the water rushes back in. For two hours we pushed. Arms burning. Back aching, but we pushed. Until there was nothing left but a few puddles here and there. 

The carpets were removed and will stay on the roof until the sun dries them out. The 2 inch foam mat that serves as our sofa/dining table/bed will also have a place in the sun for the next week or so. A simple sheet will have to take its place until it can return to its duties.

By the time the floor was dry enough that I could lie down I had been awake for more than 36hrs  and the little man in my head began to play louder. Finally I somehow managed to turn my brain off long enough to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up and began putting my computer and work station back together, I realized my computer did not work. Luckily I have a BIL who is more computer savy than me so after two hours and numerous silent swear words said only in my mind later the two of us managed to get it working again.

And considering I still haven't murdered anyone yet I'd say I handled it well.

Shouldn't There Be More

Days like today I look around and wonder if this is all there is. It seems there should be more because if this is all there is, then what is the point? I don't desire any of the things I see others longing for.

Fame. Wealth. Prestige. Power.

They chase after it like dogs. Their tongues lolling about. I sit and watch them and wonder what is so great about this thing called "living" they long to have. You can't take any of it with you when you leave this world so what is the point of it?

What is its true value? I know people think I am crazy. Depressed. Insane. While I may be all of those things, in some ways I think I am more sane, stable, and aware than most people. Yet I don't chase after meaningless things.

Haven is the inspiration for this post. She posted today and she literally pulled the thoughts out of my mind. For hours I have been sitting here trying to figure out if I was dead or alive. Trying to determine if maybe I had fallen into some in between world where I am not alive but haven't yet accepted I have died. I was sitting here watching a movie called The Lovely Bones. If you haven't, then you should. Somewhere in the middle of that movie I thought I wonder if that's what's happened to me. Maybe I just need to let go.

Some days just exhaling seems to make sense. Some days I just want it to be over. Some days I just can't even breathe.

Truth, Deep Breaths, and Cake

Tomorrow is my son's birthday. He's 16. This could probably explain some of my weirdness lately. June and August are hard months for me. Reminders of things lost. Irreplaceable things. Reminders of hopes and dreams that are nothing more than whispers in the wind. Never knowing if they will ever be more than shadows I glimpse out of the corner of my eyes. June and August are weird times for me. 

I haven't spoken to my children since 2006. To be honest, there have been times where I didn't even try. Too much pain. Too much heartache buried in rejection. Pretending. Ignoring. Less pain in numbness than in feeling. I don't know what his favorite food is anymore. It use to be my lasgna but who knows now. He use to be an amazing futball player. He was a striker but now? 

I wonder if he knows how to drive or if he has plans for his first car. So many thoughts rolling around the darkness of my brain. I stalk my ex (his father) and my ex's wife on facebook. Their status updates always make me laugh at their hypocrisy. I think if people only knew your truth, but I remain silent. Deep breaths. 

I never pulled the rope in the tug of war with my ex. Whenever he put my kids in the middle, I just would let go. I never wanted them to feel they had to choose sides. I never wanted them to feel they could only love one of us. No matter how much I hated my ex I loved my children more so when he tugged I let go. Whoever said take the high road was a fucking moron. I wish I had been a bitch. I wish I had put his ass in jail when he didn't pay child support. I wish lots of things but they are just wishes. Unrealized moments of what if's and should have beens. Deep breaths. 

Then there is my ex roommate. The catalyst in what led me to sending my kids to live with their father. She told me she would help me. She told me she was my friend. That she would be there for me and like the niave idiot I was I believed her bullshit because I was so alone. I wanted a friend. I wanted to believe her lies were different. That this time it would be different and it was. For a moment, but then she was fucking a married man and well you can only fuck married men in so many places. She wanted our one bedroom flat to be that place, but my daughter has a mouth that does not close so she couldn't fuck him if my kids were there. 

They were an interference in her affair. When it comes to fucking married men, promises get forgotten and friendships become burdens. 

She told me I had two weeks to find a new place to live so I phoned up my ex and for the first time in the 8-9 yrs my children had breathed the air on this planet I forced him to take care of them. A part of me knew that I would never see them again. A part of me knew that I was opening an alternative universe that I would never again be able to visit. A part of me knew I was about to step off of the edge of reality. A part of me I have lost somewhere. 

Her affair was the final straw in my crumbling world. A world that was slowly being filled with delusions, insanity, turmoil. A world I allowed to consume me once my children were "safe". For three years I allowed it to consume me. Its embrace was comforting. In its arms I didn't have to feel the emptiness. The pain. I didn't have to BE. 

I gave up hope. Hope of a tomorrow with my children in it. Hope of a day when truth is real and not the fantasy my ex and his wife make it out to be. She was our babysitter. My ex's best friend's daughter. I trusted her. Invited her into my home. Even afterwards. After the lies and the divorce and the torture, I still opened my home to her. 

I taught her about religion. Stupid fucking high road. Don't ever take the high road. Don't ever be the "better" person. It's a dead end street to nowhere and nothing. Because no one remembers the truth. Just their illusions. No one remembers she was our babysitter. No one remembers she broke my home. Ask anyone and I am the evil bitch. I abandoned my children. 

No one remembers the unanswered phone calls. The threats for leaving a message on the machine. No one remembers the letters. No one cares about the years spent homeless. Never knowing if there would be food or a place to sleep the next month. No one cares why. They just care that they are the "good" one. That's all that really matters anyways. Not truth. Exhale. 

What would I do differently? Honestly I don't know. I am the person I am today because of the pain. Because of the difficulties. Without them I don't know who I would be or what or where. I was slowly being sucked into a vortex that I didn't want my children to be a part of . I wanted them to know sunshine, and rainbows. I wanted them to see the flowers and feel the rain on their faces. I didn't want them to know what it felt like to have your breath sucked from your body. 

But somehow I think they know. All of the things I tried so hard to keep from them. They know. So today I wonder if my son is happy. If he is content. I wait for the day when maybe his curiosity will outweigh his hatred. A day when maybe just maybe. That is the day I wait for.

Can You See Me Now

To all of those who have "poked" me over the last few days, I so appreciate it. My husband left last Saturday for his trip and since then I have just been "being". Don't ask me what that means because honestly I don't even know. All I know is that I needed some time to breathe so that is what I have been doing. I love you guys and miss you. I have been reading your blogs although in a more stalkerly fashion. I just feel without words at the moment and so I am going with that feeling. 

But I am here, lurking in the shadows. I am certain my words will return. I mean hello I am bipolar so it is inevitable at some point the verbal diarrhea returns but until then am just enjoying the constipation.

Miracles Do Happen

Remember the other day when I told you about the twot stealing my post. Well you won't believe this. Blogger actually did something about it. They removed the post from the asswipe's blog. Although I personally think they should have removed the entire blog, but I won't complain. Much. 

They did more than I thought they would so I guess that's something. Although I will still be keeping an eye on that fuckard's blog just in case they get copy happy again. Except now they will have to at least type my entire posts. I disabled right click on my blog while it's not fullproof it will at least slow the fuckers down. Cuz I know you all are out there plotting to steal my brilliant work here. 

I'm waiting on my nobel prize nominations. I am sure they are already in the mail.

Mashed Potatoes Between My Toes

I grew up in the south. Not Gone with the Wind south but never the less I have redneck flowing through my veins. I don't remember much about growing up. I don't remember birthday parties or what I wore for Halloween. I don't remember slumber parties or weekends at Gran's. There are many blanks in my past. Sometimes I am grateful and other days I would just like to know. My imagination has a mind of its own and even if it's bad, some days I would just like to know which monster lurks in my darkness. Then I could stop wondering about the millions of possibilities of what might fill those blanks in my memory. 

But even though there are many blanks, some of them are filled with flashes. Flashes of a 5 year old little girl, hair blowing in the wind. Walking behind the mule pulling a plow. She would step as far as her 5 year old feet could reach, then drop a potato in the hole that had been dug for her. After she had dropped it in the hole, she would take her toes and push it down into the earth and giggle about the thought of mashed potatoes between her toes. The earth was cool under her bare feet. She knew no worries other than avoiding any presents left for her by the mule. The sun was warm on her face, it erased the darkness that clouded her soul. For those few moments, she was free. Just a little girl with mashed potatoes between her toes.

Madness on Mondays

Remember the other day before the asswipe came along and pissed me off and made me forget totally about today? I told you to go visit a lovely place? Remember? No? Of course not, I barely remember what day it is or whether I was going or coming from the bathroom how the hell do you expect me to remember what you told me two days ago?! 

So if you have CRS like me, then let me remind you about the Monday Madness link up over at WordsinSync. I truly am so amazed at how talented and beautiful craziness can be. I had planned on participating in this but the drama caused me to forget so I don't have anything prepared, but starting next week I definitely plan on linking up and having something half way decent. At least better than the drivel I usually spout about with. There are lots of people linked up so I am certain there is a crazy for everyone. Try to stop by and say hi if you have a few minutes to spare.

Something to listen to while you're off visiting: