Begending

In a few hours it'll be a new year. I'd love to write some great words of wisdom about all I learned this past year and how next year will be different, but I'm not wise and the IBS is trying to kill me so my brain cells are not quite connecting at their usual rate of intensity.

However as I was lying here while the alien attempts to escape from my belly, I suddenly heard the sound of my 6 year old nephew, reciting and realized there is no other way I'd rather end my year than to the sound of his voice. Definitely an awesome ending and beginning for the year.

Blind Leading the Deaf

here the words flow droplets upon the page one after another emptying the rage

there they disappear lost amidst the sound unable to unravel they begin to drown

No matter how hard I try to explain my thoughts, they usually go misunderstood. It's hard for people to understand that what lies in my heart is not what lies in my head or that the words that exit my mouth do not necessarily portray the entirety of what I wish to say. It's hard sometimes. Being lost. I've been trying to share more with Jigger. To trust in him the darkness, but I realize I can't. He doesn't understand. How can I expect him to understand something he's never seen, felt, or heard? Something he's not quite sure exists in the first place. How do I make him understand I'm a combination of body parts that don't quite fit together and don't always agree with one another? How do you make a blind man see? You don't and it's time I accept that and give him  a walking stick instead.

Soldiers

I wonder 

if I tugged and pulled 

would they come

words

sounds

syllables

pulled taut between lines, periods and dashes. 

Good little solider lads lined up in a row. Knock one down where will they go,

to a land of not forgotten, a land beneath the sea, a land of long and yesteryear unseen to you and me. 

So I stretch and turn and twist and tug and force them to be. Into their tiny mirror land tucked tight in between dominoes and marigolds and fishermen by the sea. I tried to convince them it was much more fun to be free, but the words they are a fickle bunch for it is with their ears they see. A world of shining sparkles a world unknown to me so I sit in silent shadows and watch them take form. Dancing to their master's tune like good little soldier boys. 

Scrivener

Hear the wind call
Hear its gentle breeze
Hear the sorrows cry
Scattered forgotten seeds

Endless words written
Lines upon lines
Long now forgotten
Rhyme within rhyme

In the nothingness
that once existed when
I drop a bit of ink
and close my mind til then


A scrivener I'm not
Nor shall I ever be
A wanton wayward soul
Trapped betwixt and between

No Soup For YOU

So there we sat. I noticed Jigger occasionally looking at me and after he had looked at me for about the fifth time I finally said, "What?!". Not wanting to interrupt me because he thought maybe I was busy working or something, he very quietly said, "Are you going to cook dinner today?" To which I replied, "Yes, at 2 o'clock just like I do everyday. Why?" Then he says, "Well, because it's 2:33 now." 

Huh?! 

So yea apparently sometime after midnight my laptop thought it'd be "funny" to go back an hour in time and I didn't notice. I don't know how long he would have actually sat there if I hadn't asked him why he kept looking at me. It's little things like that when I realize I'm very fortunate. My ex would have gone apeshit ballistic on me. When I was married before, my ex worked second shift which meant he got home close to midnight. Which meant I got my ass out of the bed at 11:30 pm to prepare his food so it would be hot and waiting on him when he walked through the door at 11:58. It didn't matter that I had to get up at 2 am to be at work at 3 am or that when I finished work at 2 pm I had to pick the kids up at 2:45 pm. Then there was soccer and dinner and homework and baths and maybe if I was lucky by 7 pm I would sit down.

On really good days I'd manage a shower somewhere in between soccer and not feeling guilty for serving macaroni & cheese and hot dogs to my kids for dinner for the third time that week. It's funny how life changes. How having different people around you can make you see the world in an entirely different way. 

So I made my husband his favorite food tonight. Even though it was an hour late, he didn't mind at all.

Litotes

Words
Jumbled letters locked in place
Frozen in time
I wonder
Do they get bored
Standing there all lined up
Like good little boys and girls
Do they ever wish they could whirl and twirl and spin
Do they ever try to waltz or zag or zip
When no one's looking
Always expected to perform on command
No deviations no exceptions
Straight lines without chaos or vacuums or jabberwockeys
Always neat rows untouched
untainted
unscarred
Words
Jumbled crows amidst the cornfield
Scattered by a pen
Tied tight against the scarecrow's chest
Ink stained rows pressed against the page
And then the Wiz goes flying by.

Prioritizing Distractions

My brain never turns off. Not even during sleep. It's constantly going. Never tiring. Never ceasing to function. Constantly processing thoughts and ideas and ways and whatifs and whatnots and maybes and shouldve's or wouldve's. An endless vortex of synapses firing sparks into a pit of nothingness. 

Occasionally these sparks drift down out of the crazy half of my brain into the small somewhat normal part, and when this happens, if you're close enough to me you can actually see the little light bulb appear over my mind and see Wile E. Coyote run by. I get ideas the way others get gas after eating beans. I'm constantly starting projects that are "totally awesome omg I have to do this" only for a few days to pass and the high to fade. That's when the realization of "this isn't quite what I really wanted to do sets in and the project gets scrapped". 

Now I have several ideas. Actual real to goodness ideas of things that not only ignite the crazy who is easily distracted and bored but ideas that have ignited the not so crazy part of my brain. The part that says "this is a really great idea. We like this. Let's do it." The only problem with this is that the crazy part is spitting out ideas faster than the non crazy can implement them. Kinda like when Lucy took that job in the factory on the conveyor belt and she couln't keep up. I'm Lucy in this scenario in case you're not following that well. 

I really want to do all of the things in my head. What is even more bizarre is the fact I have no doubt in my ability to accomplish these things and to possibly have a bit of success in them. What is tripping me up is that I need to prioritize, pick one project, begin on it, and work on it until I get it rolling. Then start the second project. Except I don't quite work like that. I get bored my ADD kicks in and I need something shiny new to play with. It takes ALOT to keep my mind active and non bored. Not alot of gossip or "omg did you see what  she was wearing" but real thoughts, real conversations, REAL things. 

So now I'm left trying to figure out which of these ideas to pull out first. Which to begin on until my brain can't work on it any longer, then I'll start the second. I know I'll be working on these various projects simultaneously, but I need to figure out a way that I can actually get a couple of them completed relatively quickly without fucking them royally. This is much more difficult than it sounds. Kinda like going to juggling school and on your first day the teacher throws you a chain saw, an egg, and a baby and says "GO!". Which one do you drop?