Lately I've been feeling the need for confessing. The rational part of my brain tells me this is unnecessary, but the other 3 billion irrational brain cells don't seem to understand that. The last few days I've spent confessing to Jigger. Things he didn't really want to hear or need to hear but I had to get out of me. In order to move on. I needed him to know so there's no surprises in the future. While I know it won't matter one way or the other, I NEEDED for him to know. But he doesn't get that. It irritates him when I get this way. He wants me to "let go of my past" and "not let it control me" but what he doesn't understand is that in order to do that I have to in a sense get rid of it physically and the only way I know how is to "confess". By telling, by putting it out there, then it's no longer a dark secret hidden in my closet. I think part of the reason I feel this incessant need for him to know maybe has to do with PTSD in a way. When I was younger I learned secrets were dirty and made those who kept them dirty as well. So by confessing to him in a way I feel like I'm ridding myself of the dirt and grime of the secret, but he doesn't get that. He grew up in a normal house with normal kid things. So at times he gets a bit frustrated with me but I think he's starting to see that it helps me in the long run if he can put up with the momentary unease. And snot. There is always lots of snot involved in these confessions which just pisses me off. I don't know why it is you snot when you cry or at least I snot when I cry but I become the human snot factory. It's bad enough I'm baring my soul but does it have to include bodily fluids? So yea I've been confessing the last few days I think I'm about done and can move on. Until the next one comes.
2 comments:
Oh my gosh, you just said exactly what I needed to get Friend to understand about all of this 'releasing of past resentment' that I've been doing. I need to do this to let it go, even if it's not a prominent part of my life anymore.
Maybe you should just give him this post. It might help him understand.
Yea I think it's something people don't understand is we are so disassociated from our own selves we need the physical act of "telling" in order to move on. We can't just "let go" the way others do. Or at least I can't. Jigger does understand but sometimes the things are really uncomfortable for him to hear. I mean who really wants to listen to their wife tell about the guys she fucked in her past? So yea. he does understand it's just sometimes the confession is more than he can really handle.
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