No Reason Just Cuz

I cried today. I don't know why or what brought it on. I just went to pee. Sitting there,suddenly a death sob exploded from me and the harder I tried to push it back in the further out it came. Until my face and floor were soaked with saltiness. Then as quickly as it came, it left. Sucked back into the black hole from whence it came. I walked back into our room, smiled at Jigger, and went on as if nothing had happened. Yet my head is spinning and my heart hurts and I don't know why.

Alone

I want to be alone. To scream. To sit naked. To laugh. To cry. To breathe. I am never alone. Never silent. Never free. Today my tethers feel more like shackles. Manacles. Connected to the earth that will neither release me nor consume me.

I want to breathe.

Nibbles n Bits

Ack! I have issues with food. Not just disordered issues but like real physical health issues. Sometimes the two cross boundaries and I get stuck in the middle of their feud. It drives Jigger fuckana nuts. Not only do I not eat certain foods because of texture. The few foods I do eat have suddenly started to make me sick. Not suddenly. Almost eight months ago I started developing heart burn. Like raging, alien gut bursting heart burn. I started cutting foods out until I narrowed it down to two specific foods. I no longer eat those foods. I also no longer have heart burn and no longer vomit daily. My IBS has also VASTLY improved by eliminating those two foods. 

But then there are days when there are foods I do eat, but I'm just not feeling that hungry so I just eat a little. Which upsets Jigger I should EAT the way he does. This makes me feel out of control so in order to gain a little bit of control I just STOP. EATING. altogether. I'll show you. I know this is wrong. I know I am wrong, but it's a reflex action. I'm working on it. 

So now I'm trying to patch things up because I didn't eat dinner. It was one of the two forbidden foods. There was almost a fight, but it fizzled as quickly as it began. I'm trying, but sometimes I get pissed that I have to try so hard. Why only me? The little two year inside of me stomps her feet and sticks out her lip and wonders "why does she have to play by the rules when no one else does"? 

I wish I had an answer for her.

Fragrance of Innocence

So I've been watching DEM play this game for awhile now and since she's cool and all dat so I decided to play along. It seemed like fun. Here are the Trifecta rules:

Your task this week, should you choose to accept it, is to write a love scene in no fewer than 33 and no more than 333 words. 

~~~~~~~~~~

He felt her without opening his eyes. Her fragrance filled the room and he breathed her scent deeply into his lungs. He liked the way it filled him with her from inside to out. Her sheer robe brushed his cheek as she walked by, but he didn’t dare open his eyes. He could feel her watching him. Her eyes boring into his soul as if she were attempting to read the thoughts that drifted through his inner being. He shifted, feigning sleep. “Would this be the night?”

She’d been coming into his room for the last three weeks. Every night her scent taunted him, but she never allowed him more than a single breath before vanishing. Her scent came stronger, closer. He could feel her breath upon his neck. To be chosen, was all he wanted.  He’d done his research carefully before entering the Coven. He knew why she’d cast aside every chosen before him. He made sure not to repeat the same mistakes. It seemed his plan to gain the Queen’s attention was working. He just had to be patient for a little while longer. He nearly opened his eyes when he felt her nails outlining the perfectly curved stomach he had spent months working to achieve. As her nails continued tracing his body, he almost forgot why he was there. He could have taken her then, but that would have been no fun. “Patience, just a little while longer then I’ll be her Chosen, and then I’ll take revenge for the death of my sister.”

Her scent disappeared. He’d passed her test once again.  He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. How could something so bitter smell so innocent? He closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep; knowing soon his bed would not be empty but filled with the Queen and her blood.

Free Giveaway Today

I mentioned yesterday about the book Letters from a Bipolar Mother. You can download it free at Amazon today and tomorrow. (Feb 8-9). Just click the image in my sidebar and you'll be taken to the free downloads. Also if you join Alyssa's mailing list, you'll receive free ecopies of all of the rest of the series.

Letters of A Bipolar Mother

While I don't usually promote books I am promoting this one. A friend (or alter ego in my head I never quite can be sure lol) has just released her book Letters of A Bipolar Mother (Chronicles of A Fractured Life). It's currently only available in ebook but the print versions will be available within the next few days. I've read the book and Alyssa manages to explain exactly how bipolar affects the worlds of those of us who are forced to waddle through it each day. If you have a loved one with bipolar or especially if you're a child whose parent is bipolar I highly recommend this book. It was written so the loved ones of those with bipolar might be able to get a glimpse of how we function and why we at times are so irrational. If you want you can read Alyssa's blog. Her website is http://www.alyssareyans.com

Marty McFly & The Deloreans

Sounds like a cool band from the 50's doesn't it? I just finished reading a book and it's got me all contemplative. Thinking thoughts I hadn't in awhile. I started reading when I was about 5 or 6. Not The Babysitter's Club or Goosebumps or whatever kids were reading back in the 80's. I read for lack of a better explanation, Native American romance novels. These were books where white women were taken captive but fell in love with their captor and then refused to return to the white world. I would read a book a day. I loved the idea of living in such a simplistic way of life. Being one with the earth, and creatures around you. Sitting together as a community at night before a blazing fire as elders told stories of the ancients beneath a bright full moon. 

Not only did I dream about those times but I longed for them as if I had once lived them and lost it. I longed for it the way a lover pines away for a lost love. To this very day I long for a life I know I will never have and it haunts me. It makes me sad and unable to fully exist in the skin that covers my bones. I feel out of place and out of time. 

The book wasn't about Native Americans though. The one I just finished. The one which brought all of these feelings and emotions back to the surface. It was however about a group of people who choose to live away from society without electricity or all modern conveniences. They live as one, work as one, do what is best for the group. Maybe worlds like that only exist in books. But I search for them and shed tears when I'm unable to find them. I miss them. My heart aches to be there. When I was younger everyone use to say  I had an "old soul". Maybe I just have a reused one.