At least in a bipolar mind. Two days ago my world was dark, empty, filled with anxiety, overwhelming, suffocating, and today it is still all of those things but not quite as heavy. This is something I don't think people without bipolar understand. In our world, there is no tomorrow. There is no "better" days. There is only NOW. At least I know this is how it is for me. I very rarely if ever consider tomorrow. It doesn't exist in my world. There is only today and if today is filled with darkness then it is a darkness that encompasses my entire existence. It is a pain that appears to have no end. I can't even imagine there will come a time when the darkness is not present.
Honestly, I don't think even I realized until just now how strongly this exists within me. Today I can breathe. Yesterday there was no air in my lungs. I was a fish flopping on the shore gasping for breath and today the tide came in. I realize now this is something I have to work on. This sense of only NOW existing is what has caused me to make some extremely bad decisions in my life. Because when things were bad, I had no patience to wait for tomorrow. There was only NOW and I had to react NOW. Everything is only NOW.
Jigger is always telling me to just wait, be patient. It kills me. I feel physical pain at having to wait. It literally feels like someone is reaching into my chest and trying to pull my still beating heart out. It's not that I am impatient because I am not. It's just whatever I am feeling at any particular moment is the only thing that exists. Nothing else exists. So when I am feeling fear, then it is as if I am being consumed by that fear. As if the fear is trying to erase me and I have to fight for my very life. I realize this reaction is totally out of proportion to the situation. Most people would think "well maybe tomorrow will be better", but for me there is no tomorrow. I feel if I don't react right NOW, then I am going to die. That I have to do something NOW or the darkness will consume me. I know when I attempted suicide both times this is exactly what went through my mind. The thought of death never entered my mind. Only the thought that if I don't do something NOW, then this darkness will eat me.
I don't know how to describe this so that it makes sense. I am just now realizing this and realizing this is something I need to work on. That is why I am making this post as a reminder to myself that I need to learn to breathe when the darkness comes. Just breathe.
5 comments:
exactly... Just breathe... nothing is going to happen to you if you can't fix it NOW. Anxiety hurts, I know... I've been hurting for weeks, but its getting better and it will for you too.
I get this. I have seen it. I never understood it though. I always just thought it was because she was crazy and mean. But now I'm thinking about even me. When I was younger, I didn't have the ability to see beyond a really strong mindset. Now that I'm older, have worked through some of my stuff, I can live through a bad day or feeling, knowing that it will get better. I have to be honest though. It wasn't till I began surrendering my bigger problems to my god that I got a little bit of relief.
Also, your beautiful comment on my post today humbled me. Thank you. I hope you realize that it is possible.
::hugs:: I relate so much. It's so hard to see tomorrow when right now is so overwhelming. I don't want to do something right now, I'm not going to. I need something, I need it now. I'm blackeningly depressed, there is never any joy before or after...
Remembering that there IS a tomorrow is the main thing that keeps me going.
*E-hugs* Your honesty shines through your posts. Just know i'm rooting for u.
xoxo
It's so hard. It's so hard. I finally feel like I can see a path, but just a few months ago I was standing next to you. And now I feel guilty. Guilty because I know that all the words in the world won't help.
Know I am here. And listening.
hed
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