Facing the Fear

I just had a very strange thing happen. Two days ago I had a major panic attack. It was brought on by the thought of having to speak to someone on the phone. A very close friend of mine, a  person who has ridden this bipolar roller coaster with me for more than ten years now, and one of the few people I've not managed to drive away asked me to make a phone call for him. I agreed and two hours later began having a MAJOR panic attack at the thought of having to make this phone call. Four hours later I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack that has taken me almost two days to recover from. During those two days I deleted his emails without reading them and turned my phone off so I wouldn't have to answer his calls. For two days he continued to email and phone me until finally I was brave enough to open the email, and when I did I got the shock of my life.

It wasn't an email telling me to fuck off like I had expected. It was an email asking if I was ok, why wasn't I answering my phone and what was wrong with me. Nothing more so I replied and I told him why I hadn't done what he asked of me.. His reply? No worries as long as you're ok. 

I began telling him how I wasn't ok and as a joke at the very end I asked him if he knew anyone who could prescribe me some Seroquel 300 mg. That is what I was on in 2004, the last time I actually took meds for my bipolar. He replied with a "WTF do you need that for?". I said, "Because I have bipolar and went into graphic detail about my illness, symptoms, and hospitalizations. I fully believed he would run away. He knows I'm not "normal" but he's always just thought I was a bit overly dramatic. Even though I've said to him "I'm bipolar". It never clicked with him because you see he's a brit and in UK they don't use the term "bipolar" often. Or at least not according to him. So it never truly sank in as to what I meant when I said that, but when I sent him a link from a UK pharmacy with the UK name of the meds and UK description he knew instantly and had an ah-ha moment of sorts. All the ten years of irrational illogical moments fell into place for him and he finally understood why I am the way I am. That it's not because I'm just high strung or a bit melodramatic, but because I have a true psychiatric condition that requires meds I'm not taking and do not have access to. 

He even said he would help me get access to my meds. If anyone can, I'm sure he will. Sometimes I'm so afraid of rejection, so afraid of abandonment that I send myself into a full blown panic. Even though he's been with me for ten years, I still am terrified I'm going to drive him away. I couldn't believe that he didn't run away when I told him the dirty bits of my insanity. He didn't call me names or criticize me, but he understood. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. It's rare that I feel like people in my real life are on my side. He's one of the few people I count on and the thought of losing him is beyond bearable. So I'm actually feeling quite a bit better now. Which is rare for me. Even all of the other shit going on seems less. I'm going to take this moment while it lasts and enjoy it.