Panic is an odd thing. Addictive. I've lived my entire life in panic mode. I didn't know it until recently when I stopped and then went into withdrawals. I no longer had to make decisions based upon what was absolutely necessary in order to simply SURVIVE for the next 24 hours. I no longer had to toss things aside in order to simply be able to exist beyond the next five minutes. It became my normal. Now it is not and well it's weird.
At times I find myself, bored? No, not bored, confused? Yes, confused, definitely uncertain. Always waiting for the next catastrophe. Even creating a few when none occurred because what the fuck else was I suppose to do? Just sit here and be "normal". That was too weird. I need panic. I need chaos. Not really. It's just I know what to do in the panic and chaos. Without them I feel like I'm lost and in unknown territory.
It's fucking weird to be normal.
3 comments:
I was so much in survival mode most of my life whether it be finiacally or what fire I had to put out personally it was never boring. Then I moved in like 2008 and have been bored with my life. I often think of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. When I'm not surviving I can get in touch with myself. I have my needs meet and have safety etc. It is hard to figure out over the past couple of years who is the real me and have to be comfortable in my own skin.
Oohh..."it's weird to be normal." Exactly.
being normal, or "typical," I guess, takes adjusting. I'm not sure I can.
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