Yesterday I wrote about how time seems to stand still for me. When I am in that moment of darkness, it is all consuming. It is all I can see. I have been doing a lot of thinking ever since I made that post yesterday. Mostly about why in my state of mind today I can manage to ride the wave of darkness. Why today there is an extremely small part of me that is able to believe in a light that it can't see when consumed by darkness.
I think a lot of it has to do with my life with Jigger. Before all I knew was darkness. All I knew was pain and suffering. Imagine if you never knew chocolate existed. How can you want or imagine something that you don't know exists? I think this is why I could never imagine a "better tomorrow". If you never had a "better yesterday" then how can you possibly imagine a "better tomorrow"? My life today is no bed of roses. I face struggles every single day, but I am not alone. I have Jigger and I have met some amazing people through blogging. People who support me and encourage me. Who don't judge me, but don't let me wallow either.
A friend of mine said this to me in an email and I wanted to share it here because to me, it is just the epitome of living with bipolar.
You've had some shit done to you. You've had some shit happen to you. You're dealing with some shit. Some pretty nasty shit. But you're dealing with it. You're talking about it. You're articulating it and publishing it for the whole damn world to see. You've got a man who loves the shit out of you, obviously, despite the cultural differences. And you are alive. And sometimes, that has to be good enough.
She's right. Sometimes that has to be good enough.
If you're still reading at this point, did you notice the image above? No? Ok have a look because that was so totally me a few years ago. Not that I was that hot but the words that are written. That is how I saw myself. That was all I saw myself as. When you see yourself and have only ever seen yourself in that light it is hard to imagine yourself any other way. If Jigger hadn't seen me differently, then I am certain I would still see myself that way. I am realizing environment has a major impact on my bipolar. That I need to be careful of the type of people I allow near me and what environments I allow myself to get into.
Even online I have to have rules and guidelines just so I don't cross boundaries. Since I don't know when to stop and don't have someone with me that can tell me when it's time to stop, then I have to just not do whatever "it" is that would cause my world to disappear.
I definitely believe my past environments, my childhood, my first marriage, all were contributing factors in my skewed view of the world. All are contributing factors in causing me to be unable to see that the darkness was not forever.
If you're still reading at this point, did you notice the image above? No? Ok have a look because that was so totally me a few years ago. Not that I was that hot but the words that are written. That is how I saw myself. That was all I saw myself as. When you see yourself and have only ever seen yourself in that light it is hard to imagine yourself any other way. If Jigger hadn't seen me differently, then I am certain I would still see myself that way. I am realizing environment has a major impact on my bipolar. That I need to be careful of the type of people I allow near me and what environments I allow myself to get into.
Even online I have to have rules and guidelines just so I don't cross boundaries. Since I don't know when to stop and don't have someone with me that can tell me when it's time to stop, then I have to just not do whatever "it" is that would cause my world to disappear.
I definitely believe my past environments, my childhood, my first marriage, all were contributing factors in my skewed view of the world. All are contributing factors in causing me to be unable to see that the darkness was not forever.
8 comments:
You have someone who can relate and assure you it gets better. Darkness can only exist if it has light to contrast/conflict with.
This is like a hug, sorta.
Lance, interesting. I guess I never thought about it in that way. The great thing about blogsphere is there are so many people who can relate. I have to admit I was and am shocked by the amount of people who are able to relate to what I write.
Love you ;)
Nuh-uh. Love you more!
First time here. "Enjoy" your blog isn't the right word, but I get it and I feel it. My best friend is bipolar. I love her to death, and I have ridden the storms out with her... when she lets me. I myself sometimes experience serious depression... when I can't even remember what a better tomorrow might look like. Usually, it doesn't get that bad. usually, I can remember the better tomorrows and yesterdays and know that the phase is temporary and will pass.
The maddening part is not always knowing what brought it on. I try to tell myself it's like someone injected me with a "misery" drug... and once it runs through my veins, it'll be gone. I just have to wait it out.
It can be really fucking hard. If you read my very first blog post, you'll see someone trying to claw their way out.
When i feel like this, I often get this need to stew in my own darkness. Like I DON'T want help; I want to succumb to it because I am exhausted from trying to push through it. And then... somehow I know when to finally give in and make a call to someone and cry... and usually I end up being grateful that I finally let someone know how I was feeling and it really does help.
Maybe this blog is a great way for you to keep track of those better yesterdays and todays. It's evidence that you rode out your storm... and can ride out as many as you need to... because those better tomorrows are worth it.
I know how draining this is. And I won't try to sugarcoat it. But it also probably gives you a unique voice and a unique perspective.
Keep fighting. www.righteousventing.com
Minka, thanks for stopping by. I love the misery drug thought. I will definitely have to remember that.You're right it is exhausting. One reason I did start this blog was a way for me to better understand myself and also as a way for others who know someone who has bipolar or have bipolar themselves to maybe also understand.
Just to give credit where it is due, I stole the first couple sentences from something someone once told me, just inserted my own foul language to spice it up a little. Figured I'd pass on the wisdom.
But without your touch, it wouldn't be as special. Kinda like the banana pudding my gran use to make. Even though it was all store bought ingredients, no one could ever make it the way she did. It was her touch that made it special just like it was your touch that made that saying come to life.
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