I just realized I have not posted since Tuesday. In my mind it seems like just a few hours ago. I have an extremely hard time keeping track of time. Mostly because I have no clear definition of days. I work nights and do the exact same thing every single day. There is no change. No difference. One day bleeds into the next. If it were not for the date on my computer I would have no clue what day, month, week, year it is. At times it kinda scares me that I can lose so much time.
It's not like it's lost as in I don't have any memory. It's just I don't realize how much of it has passed. I get so focused on what I'm doing that I put blinders on and lose all concept of time, space, and surroundings. Everything becomes one dimensional and it becomes difficult for me to see beyond the two feet directly in front of me. My surroundings disappear to an extent that I lose all sense of where I am and what I'm doing. I become so wrapped up in the moment that I often "forget" to do things such as eating, sleeping, showering.
It's difficult to put into words exactly how tunneled and narrowed my vision gets. In my current circumstances this isn't necessarily that big of a problem. I run my own business from my home. My work is mainly online. Since they haven't invented scratch n sniff monitors it really doesn't matter if I haven't showered or brushed my hair in a few days. However my circumstances are also a major contributing factor of me losing all touch with my surroundings.
I have no clue what is going on in the world. I don't watch TV or read the paper. I wake up do my work. I eat because Jigger does. I sleep because Jigger does. Although I don't necessarily go to sleep when he does and I wake up hours before him. I do at least lay down and stare at the ceiling. It's very disorienting when I realize that I have become so detached from what is going on around me.
Like now realizing it's been so many days since I posted. I wonder where the time went. Did that much time truly pass? Or is someone playing a trick on me? It's one thing to not remember what day it is. It's another to look at a calendar, see the day, and be unable to tell if it's real or if you've not comprehended it properly. I constantly verify with Jigger about the day/date/time/month/year. Just to be sure that what my calendar says is correct.
Last year I had a problem with my computer and it started losing time, but I had no idea the time on my computer was not correct. It was Friday, but I thought it was Wednesday simply because my computer said so. The only reason I figured it out was because the time finally started getting so far behind that I asked my husband why we were eating 2 hrs earlier than we normally did. Realizing that your world is not what you believe it to be is a very scary feeling and considering my history of delusions, it makes it even scarier.
I force myself to keep touch with my surroundings. Whenever I realize how far removed I've become, I will try to read the paper online, but it only lasts a couple days. Then I slowly start slipping away. I could live happily on a deserted island with just some pineapple and bananas.
2 comments:
We depend on routine, folks like us. Without our routine, we just kinda float around in nothingness. I know I would. I wake up at the same time every morning. I work out. I take a shower. I play mommy. At 2:00, I start my jobby job. At 10:00, I'm off work. I read the news. Take a huge handful of pills, and go lay down. At various times during the night, I wake up and do a bunch of shit I don't remember but other people explain to me in the morning, or I will discover when I wake up that I am wearing different clothes than I fell asleep in, or no clothes at all. It's quite interesting. Then, my alarm clock goes off and I do it all over again. I'd be lost without my routine. We need structure to feel that we are part of reality. Otherwise, reality will leave us behind.
I try to routine but you know why I don't. Although whatever little routine I can manage I stick to like an obsessed person. I too take a shower at the same time every day and if I'm busy working and the time passes then I am unable to shower until the next day. It freaks me out to do things at the "wrong" time.
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