For the last five days I've basically been in panic mode. One panic attack right after another. Non stop for five days. Needless to say I haven't slept, ate, or done much of anything during that time. I barely was able to breathe. Then finally yesterday it erupted. The full blown panic that I had been holding in just burst forth and I spewed all of the java juice that had been bubbling inside all over a long time friend. A friend I've somehow managed to keep for more than ten years.Not because I was awesomest of friends but because he was. Day before yesterday he asked me to make a phone call, tell a person 3-4 things and hang up..No big deal right? Except it caused the mini panic attacks I'd been having over the previous four days to become one full blown monster ass panic attack and I could NOT do this seemingly simple task he asked me to do.
He's emailed me several times since then. I simply delete the emails. I am afraid to read them. I turned my phone off because I can't deal with being yelled at. It'd only bring on another panic attack and at the moment I'm not quite sure I can handle another one. I wish people could understand I can only be pulled in so many directions at once before I snap, but it's hard to understand when I seem so normal for most of the time. I work, support an entire family, make sure every single thing is taken care of , bills paid, food is bought. You name it I take care of it. I even managed to start my own business but all the while on the inside I'm falling apart. I cry every single time I go to the bathroom or make tea. Tears no one sees. Pain no one feels. Panic no one understands.
I don't know if I've done too much this time to repair my friendship. Honestly a part of me doesn't care. I've spent my entire life worrying about every one else and not a single day worrying about me. Right now my mental status is not very good. I'm barely holding onto my sanity. I can't worry who gets upset with me, who walks away. If they walk away, then they weren't that important. While I KNOW all of this, it still tears me up inside everytime someone leaves. I still panic at the thought of being rejected and abandoned by someone who was never truly there for me in the first place.
PANIC. It's the state I'm in right now. Today is a little better. My panic attack yesterday brought on fever, vomiting, the works. So in my daze I took a double dose of meds which knocked my ass out. I slept for the first time in more than a week. I'm still a little fuzzy headed due to the meds, but I'm more relaxed than I've been in over a week. I think I'm going to go lie down now.