Panic Room

Panic is an odd thing. Addictive. I've lived my entire life in panic mode. I didn't know it until recently when I stopped and then went into withdrawals. I no longer had to make decisions based upon what was absolutely necessary in order to simply SURVIVE for the next 24 hours. I no longer had to toss things aside in order to simply be able to exist beyond the next five minutes. It became my normal. Now it is not and well it's weird. 

At times I find myself, bored? No, not bored, confused? Yes, confused, definitely uncertain. Always waiting for the next catastrophe. Even creating  a few when none occurred because what the fuck else was I suppose to do? Just sit here and be "normal".  That was too weird. I need panic. I need chaos. Not really. It's just I know what to do in the panic and chaos. Without them I feel like I'm lost and in unknown territory. 

It's fucking weird to be normal.

Vienna in Your Sausage

I come from a very sophisticated background, can you tell?! DEM commented on my yesterday's post. I'd link it but I'm too lazy at the moment and that's what the archives are for. She mentioned red hot dogs which reminded me of one of the delicacies that we as children were forced allowed to eat.

If you live below the Mason Dixie line, then you've eaten this at least once in your life whether you know admit it or not. This wonderful afternoon snack was often served along side saltine crackers and on special occasions there was Kraft Individually wrapped cheese slices and some French's yellow mustard served along with this mouthwatering concoction of every meat known to man. 

Ya'll might be laughing at me but I know every single one of you mutherfuckers out there is adding this to your grocery list as we speak. I mean seriously who could resist the temptation. Unless you're already having some redneck pate then I totally understand.

it has chicken AND beef! yum!!

Would You Put Your Toad in a Hole

So I love to cook. It calms me and after the week I have had I needed some calming. I was searching for some recipes when I came upon this, Toad in a Hole. Here's a pic for those of you yanks who actually think it's a fucking toad stuffed in a hole.

 

So this got me thinking about other luvely recipes such as Spotted Dick or Blood Pudding. I mean who the fuck is naming these foods. Obviously someone way  more messed up than me and/or really needs to be laid and bizarrely that makes me smile.

blood pudding

spotted dick w/custard

Now I'm off to cover my dick in custard. How do you prefer your spotted dick? With or without custard?

Lynching Lemons

When life hands you nothing but

Lynch It

and slap the jack into it

or just cover it with this shit

or you can have both and call it a day

Paddles, Creeks, and Buckets

When I lay down this morning, my head had a little man banging a drum inside of it. He wasn't very good and he only knew one tune which he insisted on playing continuously. It was his playing that caused me to lie down 2 hrs earlier than I normally do. You see I work at night and sleep during the day. Or well I pretend to sleep much more than I actually sleep, but it's the only way I can get to be "alone" in a house full of people that don't quite grasp the concept that I prefer "alone". 

So this morning when the little man began to play his drum inside my head and the light kissed the sky, I decided I would lie down. However the universe had other plans. 

After I had been lying down about half an hour, my MIL came running into my room, arms waving, mumbling something which I ignored. I sighed and turned over. It was going to be one of those days. I often ignore my MIL. She rants I say "theeka" (which means OK btw). I have found this method keeps me from committing murder so it is something I do often. About half an hour after my MIL went out, my SIL comes in. She's going on about something and water and something and water. I open one eye, mumble something, curse the man playing the drum in my head and turn over. It would take me all of 45 secs to realize what my SIL had been saying. You see I ignore her a lot too. Again murder is not one of the things on my bucket list however ignoring is. 

When my SIL left, I turned over, closed my eyes and prayed that no one else would come in my room. I prayed for aloneness instead I got water. You see I sleep on the floor and it took the something water my SIL had been mumbling about all of 45 secs to reach me after she left. It took me 0.5 secs to become fully awake, jump up, grab my computer and work things off the floor. The sheets and pillows offered themselves as willing sacrifices so that my attention could be fully upon getting all of my electronic equipment out of the water that was now pouring into my room from the door that connects my room with the alley way. 

Apparently when I decided to lie down this morning, the universe decided it would rain. Heavily. When the universe rains heavily, our alley way floods, and when our alley way floods, water pours into our house from every open crevice. While this happens every time it rains, it doesn't always flood the entire house. Usually we can contain it in the patio area which is "outside" sorta, but easily cleaned with no harm done. However today there was no containing the surge that poured through the alley way and through our entire house. This happens 3-4 times a year so we all knew what to do.

Once the water started to recede, we each took our positions. My BIL first in line, then me, then my MIL, then my SIL, then another BIL who just happened to be visiting. With squeegees, brooms, and buckets we began to push the water from one end of the house to the other. The line must work together or else the water rushes back in. For two hours we pushed. Arms burning. Back aching, but we pushed. Until there was nothing left but a few puddles here and there. 

The carpets were removed and will stay on the roof until the sun dries them out. The 2 inch foam mat that serves as our sofa/dining table/bed will also have a place in the sun for the next week or so. A simple sheet will have to take its place until it can return to its duties.

By the time the floor was dry enough that I could lie down I had been awake for more than 36hrs  and the little man in my head began to play louder. Finally I somehow managed to turn my brain off long enough to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up and began putting my computer and work station back together, I realized my computer did not work. Luckily I have a BIL who is more computer savy than me so after two hours and numerous silent swear words said only in my mind later the two of us managed to get it working again.

And considering I still haven't murdered anyone yet I'd say I handled it well.

Does This Mean I'm Famous Now

To the asswipe who just became my follower, apparently you're stupider than you look. If you're going to steal my posts, then don't fucking FOLLOW me so that I can see you have copy/pasted my entire post and claimed it as your own, fucktard. 

I am not sure whether I should be pissed or flattered that my posts are so awesome that you considered stealing them and claiming them as your own. Next time however write your own fucking shit and leave mine the hell alone!!!

I Shit You Not

A few of my USA friends have mentioned the heat and that they are "hot". I laugh at them because they have no freakin' clue what hot is. If you don't need to do this, then it is not hot where you are. A little background info so that you can truly appreciate the situation.

Towards the end of last summer our fridge died, but during the winter it's no biggie. We don't really use the fridge for much of anything anyways other than keeping water cold, and during winter that isn't an issue so we weren't in too much of a hurry to replace it. We figured whenever we found a good deal then we would. So a couple months ago, my BIL* who owns a fridge/AC repair type business came across an almost new fridge and told us we could have it for basically next to nothing. Of course we said "gimme" and since then have had a wonderful fridge until three/four days ago when it decided it did not want to work. 

So we called a local repairman who fixed it but that lasted less than 24 hrs. That is when my husband called his BIL to ask him about the fridge. Well his BIL lives in another city kinda far from us and said he couldn't come by til next week. So for the last couple days we have been managing without a fridge but it's hotter than fuckin' hell here and drinking water that could literally be straight from hell it is so hot does little to nothing to quench one's thirst. My husband calls said BIL back and leaves a msg. He calls while my husband was sleeping and talks to my MIL. He gives her instructions on how to temporarily "fix" the fridge so that it will work until he can come to repair it. 

This is what I found when I woke up. IShitYouNot:

There was this:

sitting behind our

 I asked my husband why there was a FAN sitting behind our FRIDGE. He said this as if it was the most logical natural thing in the world. Apparently according to said BIL the fridge might be getting too hot and to put a fan behind it so that it could get cool. That would keep it working until he can get here to fix it permanently.  (although in defense of the fan, the water is frozen solid)

So now at this very moment, we have a fan sitting behind our fridge on high, cooling our fridge so that we can have water that does not taste as if it is from Hell itself. So if you don't have to put a fan behind your fridge to keep it cool, then it's not really hot where you are. 

I swear when I moved  I thought I would be leaving behind redneck solutions. I could not have been more wrong. Sigh.

* Said BIL is my husband's sister's husband's brother and if you can follow that, then you have more white trash in you than you admit to

Salt not Pepper

I am not a big movie person. I honestly could not name you 5 movies that have been made in the last 5 years. Well other than the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy because that is the only thing I have watched. Until recently that is when I was bored  and decided to see what new movies were out. That is how I stumbled upon Salt starring Angeline Jolie. If you haven't seen it, then you might want to watch it before reading this post because I am so going to run the ending for you otherwise. 

Now I am not a conspiracy theorist by nature, but seriously IF Russia doesn't already have some secret town training children to look/talk/walk/act like Americans, then umm don't you think they are going to NOW. I mean because that is a pretty genius fucking idea. Don't we have enough problems without giving ideas to people so they can blow us up more easily? I can see it now. Boris is bored one weekend, turns on Russian HBO, watches Salt, and then 50 years from now, your grandkids are speaking Russian and you have no fucking clue what they are talking about. Although the Vodka is now much better still it doesn't mean we should GIVE them any freakin' ideas. 

Seriously Hollywood, stop it! Because IF the aliens don't know about ass probes, I sure as hell don't want them finding out just so Stephen Spielberg can earn another billion dollars or so Angeline and Brad can adopt another kid. I like my ass way too much for that. 

I'm a Good Blogger

What?! I am. Sometimes. At least that is what Lance over at My Blog can beat up Your Blog said. Don't believe me? Then just have a look at what he gave me.

See! I told ya! Jealous much?! I knew you would be. Haters. 

But like most things in life, this does not come free. There are rules. I don't do rules. I have an allergy. People get hurt. It's best I avoid the rules, but if you're one who likes rules then you can check out Randy from Random Girl's blog. She is the one that infected gave this to Lance so in reality it's kinda like I kissed a girl, but not.  So thank you, Lance. Now I will be a good girl and pay it forward or is it see dead people. That was one freaky kid. 

Now go! Read these people because they are way more cooler than me: 

Deus Ex Machina: she makes words her bitch and whoever reads them becomes jealous that she didn't make them her bitch instead. she is an amazingly talented writer that I stalk and plan to kidnap someday so I can serve her and be her slave girl and I am not saying any more. I don't want you stealing my plan. 

Bipolar Diva: she makes awesome look boring, she writes with a truth and honesty about her life that is rare

Sapphire Dragonfiles: she is another blogger who writes with an openness that I find refreshing. I don't like reading about fake and there is no fake here. she is an amazing person who I am honored to know.

Edge of Crazy: neve is an extremely strong amazing person who shares her life which is sometimes crazy and sometimes beyond reality

Overdeveloped Underexposed: another amazingly honest fresh and real blogger whom I love dearly. you never know what you will find at her place. whether it's her musings with a murderer or sexual fetishes she always has a surprise for you

 You still here?! Go shoo! Pay it forward or see dead people whichever you prefer.

My favorite line: I am not here for your entertainment. You don't really wanna mess with me tonight. I was fine before you walked into my life!

Baa Sheep

Thank you Obama for ending my break. My loud overly opinionated mouth cannot be silent after watching the total SHIT spew forth from your piehole that I just witnessed. For all of you people who BELIEVE the shit they are telling you about the "death of os*ma", well then I am the Queen of England and have decided to sell my palace. If you want to buy it, email me and I will send you my paypal account so you can make your payment.

There are so many things which are just WRONG that I can't cover them all but here are a few.

First of all this bullshit about "Islamic rituals" and then throwing in the ocean. The Islamic ritual is burial, fucktards. If they didn't bury it, then there is NO Islamic ritual so I have no clue what imaginary rituals they made up but they had nothing to do with Islam.

Secondly, the whole operation lasted less than an hour. The house that they "bombed" has no marks on it whatsoever. How do I know that? I have seen it with my own two eyeballs. Don't ask me how I just did. That is all you need to know. It looks like someone made a mess. There are pillows and sheets and things scattered here and there, but nothing suggesting the house was bombed to smithereens and killing all inside. 

Also the bullshit story about telling people to "turn their lights off and stay inside". OMG! I don't know if Dr. Seuss is writing the news for CNN or if they had a seizure while typing, but they wouldn't tell people to turn their lights off. The gov't in Pakistan would SHUT the lights off. It's called load shedding assholes and it happens 10-18 hrs a day. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. If you want a Pakistani to come outside and see what the hell you're doing, then tell him to stay in his house. In 0.5 secs he will be sniffing your ass to see when was the last time you took a shit.

I also went on CNN, BBC, and a few other news sites. Each site listed the city this happened in as different, but NONE of them listed the name of the actual city it occurred in. Now it would seem to me getting the name of the city right wouldn't be that difficult. If they can't get the city name right, what else did they get wrong? 

Now I realize this will be hard for you sheep to digest, but someone has to tell you the truth and well it might as well be me. While politicians will have you believe otherwise, os*ma was NOT the cause or end of terrorism. The only difference between today and yesterday is that I now realize there are more stupid people on this planet than I thought.

Oh and this bull shit warning about how Americans living in Pakistan need to be careful. Let me clue you all in. Pakistanis don't give a rat's ass about os*ma. There are many places that don't even know WHO he is and could care less that he is dead. There is no greater risk now than there was yesterday. It's all bull shit. I know a lot of you will probably disagree because you're blind followers who have no intellect and cannot think for yourselves. You will probably send me hate mail and comments. That's ok. I will not publish your comments because well my blog is a dictatorship not a democracy. I make the rules. If you don't like them, that is what the little X in the corner is for. However, I will make fun of all of you asswipes that attempt to hurt my feelings because trust me I don't care a shit about what you have to say. Just thought I would let you know how this game works from the start.

One last thing. For those of you who are conspiracy theorists and any other -ist bullshit. I am NOT one of you. I just happen to have a brain in my head that I actually use on occasion. I open my eyes and LOOK instead of just believing the bullshit people tell me.

Suicidal Tendencies

I have been suicidal  for pretty much the entire time I have been on this planet. It may not seem obvious to most people. I haven't slit my wrists or OD'd. I haven't painted the wall with my brains so people think I am OK. However I am far from ok. I am better today than I was before, but I still have moments. Some forms of suicide are obvious and others are more subtle.

For many years I prayed my entire existence would just end. That I would DISAPPEAR from the face of the earth or that the earth would open up and SWALLOW me. I did things. Things that would have probably KILLED most people. Dangerous stupid things.I did them hoping, praying that they would somehow ERASE me. All I wanted was for the pain to just STOP. It hurt so badly and if I could just VANISH, then the pain wouldn't be able to find me. I just wanted it to STOP.

When these moods come, I tend to disconnect from myself. Put myself in extremely dangerous situations, but what most people don't realize is that I truly don't know how much danger I am in. I truly can't see how far down the rabbit hole I have fallen. Sometimes I don't even know I am falling. There are times, even now, when I think is this all really worth the struggle? Would it be easier to just fall inside of myself and let the darkness take over? To just sit in the corner and cease to EXIST?

It does scare me sometimes that maybe one day I will fall into myself and I will get so lost I won't be able to find my way back. Then another part of me thinks, would that really be so bad? Letting the insanity take over?

I think what most people don't understand is that people who commit suicide don't want to die. They just want the pain to STOP. Most of the time they don't even realize they are committing suicide. The first time I attempted suicide I was 13. Severely depressed. It wasn't something I planned or thought about. One Friday night I walked into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet to look for the nail clippers, instead I saw bottles of pills. Some my mum's. Some my Gran's. Some mine. Before I realized what I was doing, I had taken half of them. I returned the empty bottles back to their place in the medicine cabinet, walked to my room, and simply lay down to go to sleep. I left no note. I had not consciously planned it. It just happened.

Before anyone starts getting the wrong idea, I am not suicidal. No need to go calling anyone. These are just thoughts that I think most people with PD struggle with. Fighting insanity is a constant battle that doesn't ever end. After fighting for so long, you begin to wonder if it's really worth the battle.

Space Time Continuum

I very rarely know what the day and/or date is. Even when I know I dont really "know" what it is. I probably check the calendar on my computer 1000 times a day just to verify that it is still what day it was an hour ago and time hasn't suddenly altered course and somehow it was Tuesday at 2:00 pm but now at 3:00 pm it is  Friday. Time seems like a non reality to me. Like a moving object floating in front of me that is always just beyond my reach. I can't sleep without knowing what the time is either. I use my phone for a clock. I sleep with it beside my pillow. Where at any given moment I can reach out and feel its closeness. Having it there makes time "real" and less "changeable". I can hold time in the palm of my time and somehow keep it from "floating away". 

Sometimes though I forget to charge my phone and at some point during the day it will die and when it does I start to panic a little because I don't know what time it is. Of course I could look at my watch or the clock or my husband's phone or his watch, but those aren't real. Only the time on my phone is real and I won't be able to sleep until my phone is charged. Allowing it to charge while I sleep is also not an option. I will remain awake until it is charged and then put it back in its place beside my pillow. Only then will I even have the slightest of chances of falling back to sleep. Don't ask me why it is this way. It just is. 

I am not really sure why I feel all panicky about the time. I don't lose chunks of time but it's hard to explain the floating "time" that seems to exist outside of my head just beyond my reach. Why am I telling you this or what is the point of this post? Well I am not really sure except that I laid down about an hour and half ago and went to sleep. Then about 15 mins ago my phone died. I laid there for all of 5 mins trying to convince myself that nothing bad would happen if I went back to sleep without getting up to charge my phone, but I lost that argument so here I sit while my phone charges. Waiting for time to return within my grasp so that I can lay down and maybe sleep for more than an hour today. I wonder what that would be like. Sleeping for longer than an hour at a time. 

And you run and you run

To catch up with the sun

But it's sinking 

"time - pink floyd"

Delusions of Grandeur Pt 2

What's inside your head?

I thought I would make this a mini-series. Lifetime would be so impressed.Part One is here

For me, this symptom is one I think I suffer from the worst. It causes me to have an all or nothing approach to life. I get ideas in my head and I have literally no impulse control whatsoever when an idea does jump into my brain. I am however funner than hell to be around.

Bored? Ooh ooh let's go swimming. At night. In the ocean. Naked.

Hungry?  let's take the bikes. Downtown. At 2 am. For burgers. Ooh ooh and do a few wheelies and burn outs and then run from the cops because there is no way in hell they can catch a bike.

It doesn't matter what you mention. I will do it. Not only do it but believe I am the absolute best mo' fo' around. You say 10 I will do 20. If I can't, then I will pimp my blood out to make sure I get it done. This is what has caused me to lose my life. Not once, but three times. There are no consequences in my world. No thoughts of tomorrow. Just an idea pops in my brain and within 5 mins I will have sold my soul to do whatever bizarre, insane thought my twisted  brain decided to conjure up.

What I hate the most is not that I do this, it is that people  LET me do this. I don't get this. If you truly LOVE someone, then tell them to sit the fuck down that there is no way in hell this is a good idea. Do NOT let them jump out of the plane without their parachute. Do not be afraid when I say I hate you because you told me no. I don't really hate you. I am testing you. To see if you're real or fake.

In my twisted mind, a true friend will tell me no. A fake one will jump with me. If you jump, then it doesn't matter how much I pretend to like you. In my head, I know you're not real.

Confused yet? Try living with my brain in your head for a day.

One day Jigger and I were having an argument. He yelled at me that this was my problem. That this is the reason my life is so screwed up. We were screaming at each other, and when he said that, without thinking I instantly screamed back, "You don't think  I don't fucking know this?! I hate being this way. I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop myself."

I didn't even realize what I was saying until after the words had left my mouth. Jigger stood there in silence, staring at me. It was the first time he realized that I didn't like the way I was. That I don't want to be this way, but I don't have control over it.

I hate this part of bipolar the most. It makes me feel powerless and helpless. Two things I hate to feel. Two things that are triggers for me. So it is really a vicious cycle that I have trouble sorting through. It also makes me unable to trust myself. I always doubt if what I am seeing or feeling is true or if it is my brain twisting things. Then I feel the need to choose the worst case scenario and prepare for that. My life then becomes a self fulfilled prophecy, but my delusions are confirmed because the worst did happen. What I don't realize is that I made it happen.

Let's take a poll. Shall we?

Who's crazier? 

a.)Me for believing I could see spirits, talk to the dead, read minds, tell the future 

or 

b.)the people who believed me and asked me to read for them and based their decisions upon whatever I said including marrying the person I said they should marry?




Is it you inside my head
Is it you inside who says
That I've become, someone else


"inside my head - di-rect"

Kermit Get Out My House

There is a fuckin' frog jumping around my room and Jigger refuses to get it out. Instead he is sitting at his desk laughing his ass off at me every time the stupid little fucker jumps near me and I scream like a virgin on prom night.  I may have had a crush on Kermit when I was little but that does NOT mean he can jump around my fuckin' room like he owns the place. Dude is lookin' at me funny too. I bet he tries something when I go to sleep. 

You are hereby warned lil froggie. This is not the Arc and I am not Noah. You best just hop on down to Miss Piggy's place before I fry me up some frog legs for dinner. 

What does friend mean to you? 

A word so wrongfully abused 

Are you like me, confused? 

All included but you 

Alone 

"frogs - alice in chains"

A Beautiful Mind

Have you seen this movie? No? Then you have to. It's AMAZING! It's based upon John Forbes Nash Jr. He is a crazy who wins a Nobel prize. There are other geniuses who were just fuckin' nuts too. 

Like Pythagoras, he was the math guy. He is the reason you know The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides. I bet you didn't know he founded his own religion. Kinda like a Greek L. Ron Hubbard except in Pythagoras's religion not only did he believe in reincarnation but that beans were evil.Yes beans as in "beans beans good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart". Yes those beans. Although if you spend more than 5 secs around my Uncle Bo after he eats beans, then you will start to agree with ol' Pythie on the beans thing. 

So this has got me thinking. Maybe I am not crazy. Maybe none of us are crazy. Maybe we are all fuckin' geniuses and we haven't convinced the other crazies to follow us because seriously how many times have you really needed to know The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides? 

Exactly. So I think I will start working on my plan to take over the world and declare brussel sprouts as the sperm of satan. Have you ever smelled brussel sprouts cooking? There is no way that is not the sperm of satan. All those parents who try to get you to eat  your brussel sprouts. They are really satan's wives trying to impregnate you with his offspring. 

I so would have drunk the kool-aid. 

I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy
You turn it on
Then you're gone
Yeah you drive me
Crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby
What can I do, honey
I feel like the color blue... 

"crazy - aerosmith"

Proof #456231785964 That I am Crazy

So every night Jigger and I have this routine. He gets ready for bed first and gets in said bed first. I go last and turn off the light and then proceed to get in the before mentioned bed. Only last night as I got into the bed. I suddenly and with absolute terror cannot find Jigger's arms and proceed to scream with panic

"OMG WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING ARMS?"

Even though I cannot see his face because it is pitch ass dark, I am certain he looked at me like WTF?, but he only said " Uhhh attached to my shoulders."

I was like "I can't find them" as I proceed to run my hands frantically over his upper torso searching for his arms At which point he removes them from under his head and grabs my frantically searching hands and goes "Did you really think they just fell off in the 0.3 secs it took you to walk from the light switch to the bed?"

That is the exact moment I realize "This is Proof #456231785964 That I am Crazy"

The End

Pretty pretty please

Don't you ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

"fuckin' perfect-pink"