Triggers Not the Horse

Knowing your triggers. Absolute must for anyone with any sort of bipolar, BPD, PTSD, anxiety and more big medical words I don't know or have forgotten to mention. Triggers are to insanity what peanuts are to allergies. Know your triggers and avoid them or at least have 911 on speed dial so you hit the button before going into anaphylaxis shock. Yes, they're that bad. 

Triggers. I have many. Some I know. Some are hidden. Some sneak up on me when I'm not looking. I try to avoid them, but somehow they always find my hiding places. The last two days I've been triggering HARD. My safety nets were being pulled from under me. Even though they aren't real safety nets, they're actually harmful to me. In all truth, my so called safety nets are one of my biggest triggers. Fear, rejection, and abandonment. 

Yesterday the perfect storm was created. A long time friend who in many ways has helped me and in many ways not, I confronted. I stood up for myself. I refused to be treated like a steaming pile of dog shit he was scrapping off his shoe, but for ten years he's my one and only friend. The only person my insanity hasn't driven away. Even though he was at times verbally abusive, I clung to him because he was always there. I didn't fear him leaving me. Abandoning me. If that meant being called names, told I was stupid, and used, then that was ok. Because I wasn't alone. 

Except now I have started surrounding myself with people who don't use me, don't abuse me. Who respect me. Who see my flaws, my  broken pieces, and accept them. Who look over the frazzled me and see what lies underneath, and I like that. I don't want to be treated like dogshit anymore even if it means I'm alone. I'd rather be alone than be someone's dogshit. But still it's a trigger. 

Then there are normal worries, financial worries, that pretty much every person who sucks oxygen on this planet has, but when you put those worries inside of a mind that works overtime they become blown out of proportion. So I fight to keep my grip on reality. While things aren't great, they're not that bad either. While some things haven't worked out exactly like I wanted, they are at least working and I'm constantly looking for other ways of gaining income. At the very least I don't feel entitled. I don't feel that it is ok to sit on my ass while others support me. I might have little but it's all fucking mine and I worked through insanity to get it. It's mine fuckers and you can't have it. 

So I'm on a bit of a roller coaster. I'll have to start taking sleeping pills today. I've been awake for two days now. Not good. Not sleeping is definitely a sign. So today I'll take little pink tablets with my grape juice so my mind will slow at least enough for my eyes to close and for a few moments the ping pongs bouncing inside my head will lay quietly on the floor. Shhhh......

Racing with Myself

I work very hard to control my emotions, my words, and my thoughts. The one I have the most trouble with is my thoughts. They race. Constantly. Bits and pieces of this and that. Running. Within stopping. A thought comes in my mind and flies in a bazillion directions. It conjures up a bazillion more possibilities of what may be and may not be. Then it plays them all out which only creates a bazillion more thoughts with a bagillion more possibilities. 

It's never ending. Thoughts constantly bombarding the inside of my head. At times I can literally feel them bouncing off the inside of my skull. Times like right now. 

My hands are shaking like a drunk who's gone too long without a drink. I can feel my whole body just shivering from within. Thoughts zooming behind my eyelids. Even as I type this, I can hear the million other voices trying to be heard. Bombarding me. All I want is to sleep. Just for a bit of silence. 

Jigger doesn't understand why loud noises bother me. Why I jump out of my skin at a raised voice. It is because the noise inside my mind never ceases. It just grows louder and louder until I can't hear my own self think anymore and I feel like I am spinning out of control. 

Sometimes I get so worked up over these spontaneous bursts of irrationality that I convince myself they are true. I convince myself they will happen and I must act before they crawl out of my head and consume me. So I act upon these bursts of irrationality that truly only exist within the confines of my skull. I take preventive measures to keep them from occuring except you can't really prevent an imaginary thing from being. I mean if it doesn't really exist in the first place, how do you stop it from sneaking in through the cracks? 

My preventative measures usually have the opposite effect. They usually dig me deeper into my hole. Right now I'm  trying hard to not allow these bursts to escape their confinement. But as each burst explodes behind my eye lids. Blinding me with their intensity and screaming in my ears, I feel my hold upon them weakening. I fear what will happen if they are unleashed and allowed into existence. I fear what I may do in order to stop their escape. 

To have quiet just for a moment. To actually sleep when my eyes close. If only I could find comfort within my own skin, instead of feeling so confined and suffocated. If only........

I Must Have Pissed Someone Off

So apparently I have pissed off the gods of sleep because for the last week they have skipped over me and each day I am sleeping less and less. I hate when I am like this. I need sleep. I need routine. I need it to be sane. To think. To function. Without it I'm even more fucked up than normal, and considering the week I have had I need sleep more than ever. So where the fuck did it disappear to and why can I not find it? 

I even began exercising again today to try to make myself tired. Just made me MORE awake than I was before. Nothing is working. I know I'm super stressing over shit that I have no control over. Freaking about things that really only exist in my mind. 

Jigger is starting a new project. Well it's not new new. It's one we did a couple years ago and had to stop due to lack of finances, but now he wants to restart it. It caused MAJOR problems/fights/disagreements between us before. We both held administrative positions and our approach is polar opposite so it did not ever end well. This time however I am REALLY trying to let go. I told him I would do the design work, but I wanted no part of running it once it was launched. I don't want any sort of administrative position. Don't want any decision making role whatsoever. I told him it's his. Leave me out of it. 

In a  way  I'm glad that I am able to realize my weaknesses and know that I'm not at a point where I CAN work along side him, but it also makes me sad that I CAN'T work along side him. However, for the sake of my few remaining brain cells I have decided this to be the best course of action. Now if only I can remember to stay on it and not meddle when he makes a decision I totally disapprove of because we all know it will happen 0.2 secs after we launch the project. 

Now where the fuck is my sleep? Someone fucking stole it I'm sure. Assfucks can't keep their hands to themselves.