Facts, Figures, and other Boring Stuff -Reflections pt2

This is the second part of my reflections as I read the book Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. You can check out part one here.

In the book, the author has a lot of facts and statistics that literally shocked me. I have no idea where he got this information from nor do I know the accuracy of it. I am simply telling you what the book said. However if even a fraction of it is true, then I hate to imagine what it will be like 50 years from now. But before I get into the facts and statistics. I will start with the next set of quotes.

1. Psychosomatic complaints exist in the unconscious brain and often enough the brain sends inappropriate messages to the stomach so they exist there as well.

What the author was discussing when I jotted down this quote was specifically related to stomach cramps. However, this thought process can really be applied to almost any and all unexplained ailments in people who suffer from depression. It is very common for those with depression to suffer from diabetes, migraines, obesity, heart disease and a list of other ailments. While some of these are very real, there is no doubt some are caused by the depression. I mean think about it. Your brain is sending the wrong messages to your body. So of course your body is going to act funky and be out of sorts. It just makes sense. How can your body be totally uneffected when your brain is the keeper of the gate? If the puppet master is not ok, then the puppets won't perform properly. The brain is the puppetmaster and the body is the puppet. I wish more doctors realized this. 

2. Depression is not entirely chemical based and simply replacing chemical will not relieve depression. 

I am so glad he brought up this point. There is so much emphasis being placed on the chemical components of PD/depression that I am afraid people will forget that simply fixing the chemical side of it will not "cure" you. There is no magic pill for depression. Yes meds help lessen the severity of symptoms but they do NOT make them disappear entirely. I worry that people are too focused on the chemical side of it Unless people realize meds are only half of the battle, then depression cannot be contained. Notice I said "contained" and not "cured". 

3. Treating depression means making the most of the life you have between episodes. 

This is a very powerful statement that really hits home with me. Mostly because that is exactly where I am now. I have spent the last several years cycling from one episode to the next. Now I am somewhat stable. I am doing the best to make the most of the time I have. To somehow make amends for the damage I did and hopefully to lessen the blows of the next episode because there will be a next episode. It may not be as damaging, long or insane as the past ones, but there is always a next one. 

Now for some facts and statistics that are rather disturbing. I don't know where they got these statistics from, but if they are even half right, then I can't understand why more isn't being done to treat depression. Why there is such a stigma attached to it when so many are effected by it. Do we really have our heads stuck that deeply in the sand??? 

5. According to recent research 3% of Americans suffer from depression. That is 19 million people and more than 2 million of those are children.

6. Bipolar affects 2.3 million and is the 2nd  leading killer of young women (3rd for young men). 

7. In DSM-IV, Depression is the leading cause of disability for Americans and people abroad. 

8. Depression claims more useful life years than war, cancer, and AIDS combined. 

9. An American adult has their depression recognized properly only about 40% of the time and less than half of those recognized get appropriate treatment (that means out of 19 million people, less than 3.8 million receive the appropriate treatment)

If you would like to know more about the author you can visit his website. I have links below to purchase his book if you're interested. I should say I am not getting anything out of "reviewing" this book. The only reason I started writing down quotes from it is because I could only find the audio version of the book. This is the only way I am able to actually pay attention to what the author is saying. My mind likes to wander in a world of its own making. 

                           

Reflections Noon Day Demons pt 1

So as I mentioned earlier, I have been reading/listening to this book Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. You can visit his website here. So far I am really enjoying the book. I often find it difficult to express what I am feeling and there are a few ways he describes his depression that just nails it. That is why I thought I would share them here, but mostly I want to write about them just so I have  a permanent record of them. I only have the audio book so by blogging about what I am reading/listening to then I can easily come back and re-read it so that I can get my head around it. The highlighted quotes below are taken from the audio book and while I have tried my best to write verbatim what he was reading, there are a few places I sort of paraphrased. Mostly because I didn't want the whole quote just the idea of it. Then my comments/thoughts are below it. So enjoy!! 

The book is available on Amazon. If you're interested in it, then here's the link to purchase it:

Depression not only destroys connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with one's self. 

He says this almost at the beginning of the book and it really just summed up depression for me. I can't stand myself when I am depressed. I get offended even at the sight of myself. I can't be bothered to do anything. I have noticed the last couple weeks that I have had days where I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I go days without eating because I don't have the energy or desire to do something especially for myself. I have had days lately where I so desperately wished that I could somehow escape my own brain. Just run away from the constant bombardment of thoughts that continually run through it.

Depression cannot be wiped out. At best it can be contained. Containing is all current treatment for depression aims to do. 

I cannot repeat this statement enough. I am continually saying this about bipolar because I don't think doctors really explain this concept properly to people and I also don't think family members truly understand this as well. People seem to think that a person with depression/PD can just "take a pill and get over it", but it doesn't work that way. Yes, there are times when I might be "better" than others but there will always be a relapse. I must always be aware of my moods and triggers. I must always be vigilant in my treatment and in improving my life because there will never come a day when I will exist without bipolar. Bipolar is a part of me. Nothing I can do will ever change that. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be which in reality is all any one can do. Regardless if they have PD/depression or not.

Depression had a life of its own that asphyxiated my life out of me. 

Absolutely. I could not agree with this more. There are times when I feel like I am trapped inside someone else's body especially when I am manic. I feel like I am trapped and being forced to watch someone else live my life in a way that I don't want to live it. It's like I am being held hostage by the bipolar. As if it were an actual physical being that has somehow taken me hostage and is now pretending to be me, forcing me to live the life it wants me to instead of the one I should be living. When it has been held hostage, I feel so helpless. That there is nothing that I can do to overcome it. All I can do is let it have its way with me and pray there is still a part of me left that is recognizable once it is through with me.  

You smell sour even to yourself (this is during what he terms as "major depression" I will post about his definitions of major and mild depression later)

Yes. Yes. and Yes. Not only do you smell sour to yourself, but you can't stand the sight of yourself or the sound of your voice. You want to disappear from yourself, and when you can't stand to look at you, how is it possible that others can? This is the thoughts that go through my head when I am depressed. I mean if I can't stand me, then there is no way anyone else can, right? I think this is one of the hardest things for me to overcome. It is what keeps me in the grip of depression for extended periods of time. Even the other day, when SD and DEM were complimenting me I freaked out because it literally 'hurt" to have them say the nice things they were saying. I just couldn't accept it and did not want to hear it. It caused me actual physical pain to hear what they were saying. Luckily they understand and didn't get upset with me. Especially DEM when I told her to shut the fuck up and stop it. She's awesome like that.

You lose the ability to trust anyone, to touch, to grieve. Eventually you're simply absent from yourself. 

The end part of this just astounds me. I think I feel this way quite often. As a young child, I learned that in order to survive I had to "be absent" from my body. As an adult now, I find that I can't always seem to connect with myself. At times I am not even aware that I am absent. It is something I do without thinking. I am just empty. No feeling. No presence. Just a shell taking up space. Don't even get me started on trust. To say I trust no one is an understatement. Even as much as I love DEM, I don't trust her. It is impossible for me to entirely believe that she is my friend. It has nothing to do with her. It is entirely in my head and is entirely within myself. There really is nothing she can do to make me 100% trust her. Mostly whenever I meet people I feel I am always just waiting for the "shit". Waiting for that day when they hurt me because everyone always hurts me. I know that part of this is due to my poor choices in choosing people for my friends and part is that I tend to be my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Regardless of the reason why I don't ever truly trust people, under it all the simple truth is I just can't. In this world, your parents are the two people you're suppose to be able to trust to protect you from the big bad world and when they turn out to be the monsters, it makes it difficult to believe that not everyone else is a monster as well. When that trust is broken, especially at an early age, it can never be repaired. I fake "trust", but I don't actually feel it.There is nothing anyone can do to change that.


Well, I think that is enough therapy for one day. I won't post about this everyday, but I will be posting frequently about it until I get through the entire book.

Vomiting Shit & Noon Day Demons

Other people have random thoughts I vomit shit and you get to clean it up.  Aren't you happy you stopped in now?!

After much searching, I FINALLY came across a copy of Noonday Demon that was recommended by Hed. (waves Hi Hed hope you feel better soon). Except the only copy I could find was an audio copy and I am easily distracted by bright shiny balls of lint so I am slowly making my way through this book. In order to focus I have been basically writing down my thoughts and things the author says as he goes along. It forces me to actually pay attention. I am a visual person. I need to see IT or else I don't understand. Also whoever told the author it was a good idea he read this book himself was a total asshat and should be fired immediately. 

So I plan on posting periodically about my thoughts on the book as well as the notes themselves just so I have a lasting record and can easily refer back to them to refresh my memory because I have CRS and am lucky that I remember my name most days.

I have been feeling extremely anxious the last few days. I am not totally sure why. I think part of it is the upcoming trip Jigger is taking next month. I don't get a long with my in-laws very well and Jigger is my buffer. I am not sure what to expect without my buffer around. He has been my stabilizing factor for the last few years and I am not sure how I will be stable without him. I also worry that he may not come back and then what? Irrational? Of course I wouldn't be me otherwise. 

I found out yesterday one of my SIL's is two months pregnant which also freaks me out. It's taken me two years to get Jigger's family to stop asking me when we are having kids. Umm let me think that would be never. So I also know that without him here it will most likely come up again. Because you know my answer could change if you ask me a million and ONE times as opposed to just asking me a million times. 

I actually started this post in order to talk about something specific, but now for the life of me I have no fucking clue what that thing was so fuck me. I shall leave you with a song instead because music makes the world pretty and sometimes the world just needs to be pretty.

PS: If you ever wonder how analy obsessive compulsively organized I am. I edited this post just so I could justify the last sentence because apparently when I went to align the post I missed the last sentence and it wasn't aligned properly and if  I didn't align it, then os*ma would come back from the "dead" and knock the earth off its axis and baby kittens would die. You can thank me later for saving the world.