Every night 11 pm my in laws go to sleep. Every night at 11:15 pm I go to the kitchen and make tea for Jigger and me. It doesn't matter what day of week it is or month of the year. Every night the same routine occurs except for last night. Last night as I leaned against the sink waiting for the tea to boil, suddenly and without warning, a tear slid down my cheek.
I hadn't realized the thoughts in my head were so close to the surface. As I stood there, thinking. Thinking how I hate my life, how I want so desperately for it to be different. I realized I'm not even in survival mode anymore. I've gone completely into POW mode. I'm just trying to make the best of my situation until I can escape. Every free moment, every moment I can catch alone, I allow the thoughts of escape to enter my mind. I plan what I'll do my first day out. What I'll eat, where I'll go, what I'll wear.
I feel so controlled, so helpless, so whiny. All I can do is propel myself forward and wait. Wait for the day when I don't have to bend to the will of another. The day when I don't feel hunger, when I can go to the store freely for the things I NEED, not WANT, but NEED. You know little things like tampons. I'm so high maintenance. I just want to be able to feel the sun on my skin again. To feel the breeze upon my face. To close my eyes and be encompassed by the wetness of the rain.
I just want to be free.