I'm loud. I don't mean to be.I do have an inside voice. Majority of the time people have to ask me to repeat myself because I speak so lowly. But sometimes when I feel safe and free, when I'm emotional, even happy emotional, I get loud. I don't mean to. I don't know why that is. Jigger thinks I'm "yelling". I try to watch it. To always be aware of how many decibels are exiting my mouth at any given moment, but that's exhausting. Like trying to walk a tight rope made out of egg shells. Sometimes I forget.
To be aware.
And the decibels leak out and Jigger thinks I'm yelling at him and he gets angry and "yells" back. Which causes me to actually start yelling. I don't know why this happens. It's another one of those life isn't fair moments. Where I pout and whine and stomp off to the corner wondering why it is I'm being forced into the world's concepts of right and wrong. So what if I leak more decibels than you. Why shouldn't I be allowed to? In my own home? In my own room? Why am I monitored within the confines of my own four walls?
Because that's life. So I'm aware and I count the decibels because Jigger puts up with all of the temper tantrums. So for him I count the decibels.
2 comments:
It shouldn't surprise either of us anymore, should it?
Oh yeah, I can get a little loud. It's on my report cards from school. It's started unintentional fights. I'm almost positive everyone I talk to on the phone has to hold the phone a foot from their ear. I used to think it was just part of my napoleon complex because of my size. But now I'm almost positive it is probably a hypomanic thing, especially because it happens most often when we are excited or happy or in a deep conversation about something we have a passionate opinion about. When me and my mom get together in the same room, we literally send everyone else in the house outside. We don't even realize it until we stop and look around the room and everyone is staring at us like we're a grenade about to explode LOL. Yeah, I know all about the loud problem LOL.
Nope. Not even a little. And yea don't get me started on something I like because holy cow I'll be loud.
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