I'm cycling into manic. I can feel it. I haven't been sleeping properly for about 4 days now. My thoughts racing. Constant. Ever changing. The need to be moving. Doing. Something. Even if only mentally. Constantly in motion. Never stilling. Never calming.
During these times I do stupid shit. Like stalk my ex's on FB. I told you it was stupid.
I look at them and their lives. I see how they just went on without me. Happy. Living. Loving. Laughing. Breathing. Never missing a beat. And I feel jealous.
Not of the ones they're with because I sincerely do NOT want to be with THEM particularly. I just feel jealous of the life they have. I feel jealous they have a life and I have nothing.
I know that's not true. I have Jigger and a roof over my head. I have food to eat everyday and in many ways I'm richer than most people.
But..there's always a but...
It's not easy. It's not the life I want. I love Jigger but not the way I should. There's no passion. No fire. No excitement. I love him because he helps me to conquer the beast and as I type this it breaks my heart to know that I will never be IN love with him. I would never leave him, but a part of me aches that it will never have that passion. That fire. That love that I see between those I stalk.
I want that. I want someone to be obsessively in love with me. To be consumed by the thought of me. In my whole life I've never had that. Even Jigger doesn't love me like that. In many ways I think he feels sorry for me. He pities me.
I don't want pity. I want fire and passion and excitement. Not manic passion, but just to feel alive. To know that there is one person in the world whose NEED for survival is me.
I'll never have that. I have to accept that. But it still hurts. It hurts to admit this to myself because I deny it even within the confines of my spinning mind. I refuse to allow these thoughts to circumnavigate because if I allow them to even for a moment they'll make me spin out of control, but no matter how hard I try they're still there. And I torture myself by watching others. By seeing their lives and how they are.
And I wonder why couldn't that have been me?