We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Bazinga



 Complete First,            Second,                 Third Seasons



In the words of the world's most brilliant mind, BAZINGA!! I think I figured out this "funk", I am in. For about a week now I have been feeling, well off. I attributed it to a "funk". I wasn't necessarily inspired to write. At least not here. I have been writing, but I dunno I just didn't feel I wanted to talk about bipolar. Then yesterday Lance, the wonderfully talented writer who loves to taunt me with his well timed cliff hangers made a comment on my post, and I (can't believe I am about to admit this), well I laughed. 

Yes I know I am as shocked as the rest of you. All 3 of you who read my blog, but it was at that moment I realized EXACTLY what this "funk" is. I think for the first time in well EVER I am feeling "normal". I know what the hell is that, but I  am certain that is what this is.

I don't feel anxious or panicked or stressed or frustrated or like my skin might crawl off of my while I am sleeping and attempt to strangle me using my own veins. I don't feel particularly paranoid or worried. There's a big bright yellow thing up in the sky that I had never particularly paid attention to before and apparently it makes the world a little less dark. I don't know how I couldn't have seen it but this is the first time I have noticed it. Jigger and I are enjoying each other again. We have watched TV together, laughed, had conversations and just been content in each other's presence. 

It's strange I tell ya. I don't know what to do with this. I am not my sarcastic self and well it's weird. I was diagnosed at 13 with "manic depression", the name of bipolar before bipolar was called bipolar. I have always lived with this inner storm. Always boiling, churning, ready to burst free at any moment, and now it's as if the waters have calmed. It's actually kinda nice. It  scares the hell out of me that when the bottom falls out that I will fall farther than I ever have before but still for the moment I think I will just enjoy the calm waters.


When people hear the word "bipolar" they instantly think crazy, mania, mood swings. I think that the main issue or at least for myself is that I went so long untreated. So long without knowing what was wrong with me, so long believing that I was "broken". Now my life is kinda normal or at least as normal as my life can be under the circumstances and I don't even recognize this feeling. I think this is why a lot of people with bipolar fight this feeling and run from it. It's new, different, strange, UNKNOWN. It's just human nature to run from the unknown. We crave the things that we know even if the thing that we know is a monster hiding in the darkness.

5 comments:

Haven said...

Wow do I relate so much to not recognizing the feeling of 'normal'. I think I've felt it a few times, but than that normal feeling actually makes me panic a little. I have no clue what to do with it, and I'm not really sure who I am without the anxiety and all that comes with my BPD.

I actually think if I were able to shake this insomnia I'd be feeling pretty alright now.

Cheers =)

lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog said...

Look, if we can't find littel ways to find happiness and laugh we'd be in really bad shape.

I'm so honored that you found that with me. Plus, that picture and caption of Sheldon is perfect. I didn't know you like Big Bang Theory.

hug

Vinny C said...

Just feeling good: awesome! Good for Lance for bringing that out of you.

Maasiyat said...

lance, does that make up for the nickleback? lol yes I found it a couple months ago and have become addicted. I went back to the first season and downloaded every episode. I love Sheldon's laugh.

Vinnie, yea my online buddies tend to bring out the best in me. If I could just figure out a way to keep them in my pocket then all would be well in the world

Miz PRN said...

...after all that you've experienced, you deserve these feelings of normalacy. I've been the opposite over the years. Denying my bipolar. I'm comfortable with it now.

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