It's been awhile since I've been here. Sometimes I get my blinders on and forget beyond the narrow space in front of me. Lately I've been so focused, so consumed by things that at times I've forgotten to eat, sleep, brush my hair, wash clothes, clean house, and/or shower. With more than one occurring on most days. In some ways the focus is good. I've accomplished a lot. Although, it's weird how hygiene is always the first thing to go regardless of which pole you swing to.
But then today it happened. Again. Jigger gave me that look. The one that says 'dear lord she's batshit fucking insane crazy" look. If you're crazy, you know the look I'm talking about. The one where their eyes kinda glaze over and their head tilts slightly. Not quite the deer in the headlights stare, but you can see them wondering if they need to get the tranquilizer darts or just RUN for their lives. That look.
It all started so innocently. Jigger asked me a question, "Are people who have premonitions common?" He was watching his favorite CSI-ish show and it was about a psychic with premonitions who solved the case. We then got into a discussion about beliefs and that lead to me opening my very big mouth and ramming my foot and part of my leg into it. You see I believe in premonitions because I use to have them. Admittedly, some weren't real. Some were caused by the synapses in my brain misfiring, but some I can't explain. I had them. I "knew" things before they happened. I told people such and such will happen, and then it did. This happened on more than one occasion while I was growing up. I would have probably continued and told him a lot more but that was when I noticed it.
The look.
Jigger was sitting in his chair at his desk, looking at me like I'd sprouted two heads, and I instantly shut the hell up and diverted the topic to something else.
Sometimes I forget how very different I am. I've grown comfortable with my differences and I forget others don't always share that same comfort. Jigger knows but he prefers not to have it shoved in his face. So when I forget and start showing my crazy to him, it's difficult for him.
But whenever I see that look in HIS eyes, it hurts. More than when I see it on others. I expect it from others, but not him. He's suppose to be different. He's suppose to understand, and he is and he does, but sometimes it's more than even he can bear so I tuck it away in the silence. I say the right words, the words that don't bring "the look" and I hide the ones that will. But sometimes I wish I didn't have to hide the words.
At least not from him.
4 comments:
It's a small thing and not the same thing at all, but at least you don't have to hide the words here. ::hugs::
Have faith. There may come a day when you don't. It seems we are like liquor in many ways. In small doses, our "different" is sparkle and sizzle. In large doses, we're deadly. But the more those who love us drink us in every day, the more they can take without waking up face-down in a puddle of puke.
I get that look too, but not as much lately ... over the years I've learned to hide it a little better, and she has become accustomed to my crazy moments.
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