I work very hard to control my emotions, my words, and my thoughts. The one I have the most trouble with is my thoughts. They race. Constantly. Bits and pieces of this and that. Running. Within stopping. A thought comes in my mind and flies in a bazillion directions. It conjures up a bazillion more possibilities of what may be and may not be. Then it plays them all out which only creates a bazillion more thoughts with a bagillion more possibilities.
It's never ending. Thoughts constantly bombarding the inside of my head. At times I can literally feel them bouncing off the inside of my skull. Times like right now.
My hands are shaking like a drunk who's gone too long without a drink. I can feel my whole body just shivering from within. Thoughts zooming behind my eyelids. Even as I type this, I can hear the million other voices trying to be heard. Bombarding me. All I want is to sleep. Just for a bit of silence.
Jigger doesn't understand why loud noises bother me. Why I jump out of my skin at a raised voice. It is because the noise inside my mind never ceases. It just grows louder and louder until I can't hear my own self think anymore and I feel like I am spinning out of control.
Sometimes I get so worked up over these spontaneous bursts of irrationality that I convince myself they are true. I convince myself they will happen and I must act before they crawl out of my head and consume me. So I act upon these bursts of irrationality that truly only exist within the confines of my skull. I take preventive measures to keep them from occuring except you can't really prevent an imaginary thing from being. I mean if it doesn't really exist in the first place, how do you stop it from sneaking in through the cracks?
My preventative measures usually have the opposite effect. They usually dig me deeper into my hole. Right now I'm trying hard to not allow these bursts to escape their confinement. But as each burst explodes behind my eye lids. Blinding me with their intensity and screaming in my ears, I feel my hold upon them weakening. I fear what will happen if they are unleashed and allowed into existence. I fear what I may do in order to stop their escape.
To have quiet just for a moment. To actually sleep when my eyes close. If only I could find comfort within my own skin, instead of feeling so confined and suffocated. If only........