This Totally Unacceptable Behavior Stops Now

What the hell are you people doing?!! It is NOT ok that all of my fave bloggers have suddenly gone on blogvacay all at the same fucking time. It's ok if one of you goes. I might could even accept two of you going at the same time but not ALL of you disappearing on me all at the same fucking time.

This is so not acceptable. I am so gonna go all Misery Kathy Bates on you people if you don't start writing again. Because I seriously NEED you guys to fill out my day. I don't know what to do with myself when you all leave me like this. I don't watch TV it bores me. So do movies except for 300 and Gladiator. But other than that I couldn't care who or what was on. 

So let's go. Someone better post soon before I go all postal on your asses. I know people and for $100 and a six pack your ass could be mine.Think about it. Write people write. NOW!!! 

You all know who you are. I got my eyeballs on you. Oh and while you're at it, bring some of these too. I need some munchies while I am waiting for you all to start writing.

Maintaining Control At All Costs

Be careful how quickly you give away your fire. ~Robert Bly

Consider yourself an architect for every aspect of your life — your writing, your exercise regimen, your finance management.

How well do you pace yourself with your story’s plots, your workouts, or your financial spending? How much control do you retain in everything that you do? What has happened when you have “given away your fire” too soon? What can you change in your life, right now, if you took greater control?  Smash 365

Allowing others to have "control" is a major trigger for me. Even in little mundane everyday things that really don't matter. Even in things I have no clue what I am doing. I must maintain control. I must do it. I cannot allow someone else to do or have control. This is a major problem in my life and my marriage. It is the source of the majority of our arguments. It is the source of the majority of the manic episodes in my life. Whenever I feel I am not in control, I panic. I imagine the worst case scenario and convince myself that is exactly what will happen unless I have control over the situation. Even though I may have no clue what the hell I am doing somehow just by doing it myself or controlling how it is done makes me feel calm. It makes my world be ok. It makes everything be ok. 

The minute I no longer have control the world becomes chaotic. I feel like it is spinning out of control. I feel like I am falling into the abyss never to return. It creates an extreme sense of panic and anxiety in me. No matter how much I try to let go I am unable to. 

I don't enjoy being this way. I don't enjoy being unable to allow others to do for me. I don't enjoy the panic that floods through me at the thought of not being in control. I WANT to allow others to do, but I simply cannot. I try and try to allow them to take control, but the minute I sense that the situation is going slightly askew even when it really isn't, I panic. I take back control. This causes people to be angry with me. Jigger gets so pissed at me sometimes that he literally REFUSES to do anything if I am present. 

The other day we argued because I could NOT allow him to fix my computer. Even though he is the one who KNOWS how to do it much better than me. Even though it only took him an hour to get it sorted after I begged and cried for two days for him to do it because I could NOT figure out certain parts of it. I had to go take a shower while he fixed it because I literally could NOT sit in the room with him. I knew I would start. I knew we would fight again and he would refuse again and I would be without a computer for another two days. So the only solution I had was to physically remove myself from the room. By the time I returned he was almost finished. 

Seeing that it was almost complete allowed me to remain calm for the remaining 20 mins while he worked on it and sorted it out. For now the only solution I have is to remove myself when someone is doing something. When I have no control. 

But I am working on this. It is something I plan to conquer. Just like the other demons that swirl and twirl and dance inside my head. Some day I shall vanquish them all but for now I dance and twirl like a good little puppet as they pull my strings and demand attention. 

Safety Measures and Precautions

The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise. ~Tacitus

Determine your desires for safety. What is holding you back from what you really want to do? What makes you think twice about pursuing things on your “bucket,” “to-do,” or “wish” list?
Why do you even have a list at all?

Write about discarding those desires for safety. What is possible for you, right now, if you stopped holding back? Smash 365

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be safe is one of my greatest desires. Safe from the pain of the world. Safe from the daggers it throws, piercing through me. I remember telling Jigger when we first met that I just wanted to feel "safe". However I very rarely ever do anything that is "safe".

I have flown to the other side of the globe to a country where I knew no one. Didn't speak the language. Didn't have a job or place to live with only $500 in my pocket and no clue what I would do if things didn't work out. I tend to find safety in chaos. In pushing to the edge and then jumping beyond. There is a twisted comfort in the unknown. If I hadn't worked things out, then I would probably be dead so maybe that is my safety net. Pushing so far that if it doesn't work then I won't be around to know.

I wonder where I would be if I had played it safe. Stuck in a hicktown never knowing there is vast expanse of land beyond my little bubble. I have experienced so much and learned so many things I would have never done if I had been "safe". Yet I crave "safe".  Then when I get it I feel bored and push it away. Prefering the uncertainty of unknowing over the mundane comfort of every day living.

I have had moments where I have pushed too far though. Where I have almost broken myself. Yet I somehow manage to pull myself back in  before I completely fall over the edge.. At the moment, the only thing holding me back from doing what I really want to do and the only thing in my entire life that has ever held me back is finances. I dream big. I don't worry about the consequences. If I had the money, then there is no telling what I would have done by now. I always wondered why I never can manage to get ahead financially now I think maybe that is a good thing. Because it is the only thing that keeps me from completely jumping off the cliff.

So I guess for me being "safe" is being different. Pushing against the stream. Not being another faceless entity. Although sometimes I think boring would be good, and then the moment passes and I start  trudging ahead again. The world be damned. It's my way or the highway.

Folks Crazier Than Me

So the other day I was feeling all whispery and shit and sent some stuff to Indie Ink and what do you know they published it. So if you didn't read it before go read it again before they realize what a crazy ass idea it was and come back to their senses.

Different Parts of Me

* stupid blogger was scheduled to post this yesterday and didn't although I don't know why I am surprised it's not as if blogger does anything that I actually want it to anyways.

Never More

Things are never simple. Or easy.  I guess that's what makes them worthwhile but honestly at the moment I would settle for dull if it came wrapped in simple. At times my brain spins so fast the world seems to unravel in  front of me. I reach out and try to catch it but it just slips through my fingers. So fast. So elusive. Almost there but not quite. Today I am feeling very hurt and  disappointed and tired. Mostly just tired though..Tired of the bullshit..Tired of the childishness.

Maybe fed up is a better word.Yes. Fed up.

I've had my share and I am done. I don't want anymore thank you. Can I please be excused?

I am starting to lose my will to fight. And that scares me. I don't want to be stuck in content and settlement. That this is all there is. All there ever will be. Nothing more. Just what is. I try  to imagine a world of tomorrows but instead all I can find are nevermore's in a land of forgottenness I no longer can roam. I am stumbling.I don't want to fall again.

I am more than the names you call me. I won't allow another's words to define me ever again. Never again will I see myself through the looking glass. Never more. Never again.

I am more.

Different Parts of Me

A part of me wants to RUN AWAY...
to hide from all that is and all that will be
to forget that any and all things exist
to just disappear

A part of me wants to REMAIN...
safe in the comfort of now
sure in the uncertainty of tomorrow
lost in the space that is between

A part of me HIDES...
whenever you exhale
when the world becomes dark
when the light ceases to radiate

A part of me DIES..
with each unfulfilled breath
with each moment of could be that isn't and never will be
with each moon passing

A part of me is SILENT...
whispering only to itself
songs of nothingness, emptiness
longings and dreams unexperienced untouched

A part of me SCREAMS...
to unhearing ears
unbelieving words strung together
ceaselessly in unison they deny

A part of me wants to curl inside of you..
to become you....
to be lost in the expanse that is you....
far from the world..
far from the nothing that is and never was and never will be...
far from preying eyes, ravaging tongues, searching hands...
deep within

Encompassed.

Tantrums, Bodily Fluids, and a Saint

You may or may not have noticed my absence from the blogsphere. I would love to say that I had been carted away to a desert island and had been sitting on a beach looking at the ocean while sipping a drink from a fruit with an umbrella. Unfortunately the only part about that which is right is the desert part. I have been spewing bodily fluids from every orifice in the human body for the last 7 days and a few that I didn't even KNOW I had. It's been rough. And hot which is what caused the said spewage. I hate hot.

When I am sick, I become like that little kid lying on the Wal-Mart floor kicking and screaming because they can't have candy, toys, everything within their site and every other parent is silently thanking god that is NOT their shrieking harpee lying on the floor. You know the one. That is what I become. I can do pain. Something breaks. Duct tape and super glue I am there. Something falls off. Needle and thread I am there. But vomiting makes me become this whiny sniveling I want it NOW brat and Jigger deserves SAINTHOOD people.

Seriously, not only does he put up with my insanity, but these last seven days he has cleaned me when I was practicing for the world championships in projectile vomiting. He has held my hair as I continued to practice. He has gone to the store for juice and upon returning immediately had to go back to said store because he got Red Grape Juice instead of Apple Juice even though I didn't tell him I WANTED apple I just said juice  and whenever I ask for juice it means red grape which is why he bought red grape because seriously I would murder you if I catch you drinking my red grape juice it's that fucking good.

And then when he was sleeping and I would rise from unconsciousness and want a drink so that I had something to practice with, I would wake him. Yes people I would wake his ass up and tell him to bring me some juice from the fridge. And he would.

Without a huff. Without a moan. Without a sigh.

He would get up from a deep sleep, bring me a glass of juice which I would drink about a sip from and then return it to the fridge. I am seriously spoiled. You do not even understand how much.

So that is where I have been. I am feeling better but not back. I haven't read any blogs. I will. Eventually. Maybe. Who the fuck am I kidding I don't read blogs. Well except for one or two and you all know who you are and since you're probably the only ones reading this anyways you already know all of this so whatev.

Our regularly scheduled programming will return shortly.