Maintaining Control At All Costs

Be careful how quickly you give away your fire. ~Robert Bly

Consider yourself an architect for every aspect of your life — your writing, your exercise regimen, your finance management.

How well do you pace yourself with your story’s plots, your workouts, or your financial spending? How much control do you retain in everything that you do? What has happened when you have “given away your fire” too soon? What can you change in your life, right now, if you took greater control?  Smash 365

Allowing others to have "control" is a major trigger for me. Even in little mundane everyday things that really don't matter. Even in things I have no clue what I am doing. I must maintain control. I must do it. I cannot allow someone else to do or have control. This is a major problem in my life and my marriage. It is the source of the majority of our arguments. It is the source of the majority of the manic episodes in my life. Whenever I feel I am not in control, I panic. I imagine the worst case scenario and convince myself that is exactly what will happen unless I have control over the situation. Even though I may have no clue what the hell I am doing somehow just by doing it myself or controlling how it is done makes me feel calm. It makes my world be ok. It makes everything be ok. 

The minute I no longer have control the world becomes chaotic. I feel like it is spinning out of control. I feel like I am falling into the abyss never to return. It creates an extreme sense of panic and anxiety in me. No matter how much I try to let go I am unable to. 

I don't enjoy being this way. I don't enjoy being unable to allow others to do for me. I don't enjoy the panic that floods through me at the thought of not being in control. I WANT to allow others to do, but I simply cannot. I try and try to allow them to take control, but the minute I sense that the situation is going slightly askew even when it really isn't, I panic. I take back control. This causes people to be angry with me. Jigger gets so pissed at me sometimes that he literally REFUSES to do anything if I am present. 

The other day we argued because I could NOT allow him to fix my computer. Even though he is the one who KNOWS how to do it much better than me. Even though it only took him an hour to get it sorted after I begged and cried for two days for him to do it because I could NOT figure out certain parts of it. I had to go take a shower while he fixed it because I literally could NOT sit in the room with him. I knew I would start. I knew we would fight again and he would refuse again and I would be without a computer for another two days. So the only solution I had was to physically remove myself from the room. By the time I returned he was almost finished. 

Seeing that it was almost complete allowed me to remain calm for the remaining 20 mins while he worked on it and sorted it out. For now the only solution I have is to remove myself when someone is doing something. When I have no control. 

But I am working on this. It is something I plan to conquer. Just like the other demons that swirl and twirl and dance inside my head. Some day I shall vanquish them all but for now I dance and twirl like a good little puppet as they pull my strings and demand attention.