Just Don't Do It

Whatever you do, Do. Not. Put. Bananas. In. The.Fridge. It's not worth it

I have sort of been MIA the last few days. I didn't really trust myself as to what I would write if I did post. I thought it best to just say nothing at all until I had some control over the shit that spews forth from my facehole. I use the word "control" very loosely. 

As idiotic as it sounds it all started because I like my bananas in the fridge. I don't like them room temperature and mushy. Like many other things I prefer them hard and firm, slightly chilled to the touch. Apparently others though consider putting bananas in the fridge equal to murdering baby seals so to say that my last few days of being "better" got shot to hell is an understatement. 

Somehow at the end of it all, I am still the crazy one? I just don't get it. The moral of the story? Just don't put the fuckin' bananas in the fridge. It's just not worth the 3 days of hell you will have to endure because you like bananas chilled. Learn to pick your battles. This one is just not worth it. 

This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Because I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl

"hollaback girl - gwen stefani"

Make Up Your Mind

Conversations that take place inside my head:

1.)Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Please don't look at me.

Why aren't you looking at me?

You're NOT looking at me! Why the fuck are you not looking at me? Don't you love me? Why are you ignoring me?

2.)Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me Please don't talk to me.

Why aren't you talking to me?

You're NOT talking to me! Why the fuck are you not talking to me? You don't love me that is why. Why should you love me? No one can love me. I am unloveable. 

3.)Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Please don't touch me. 

Why won't you touch me?

You're not touching me! Don't you love me?! Of course not. No one can. Who would want to touch me? I am untouchable.

I use to have this argument over and over with an ex of mine. We would argue and I would scream at him to leave. Then he would start to leave and I would stand in front of the door and beg him to not leave me. It made no fucking sense to anyone. Not even to me. I didn't love him. He was abusive, cheating, and many other things, but I didn't want him to leave either. We developed a sick relationship that "worked" for both of us. We lived together as husband and wife. In front of certain friends, we were "married". Did all the normal things married people do. Then in front of others we were "roommates". We simply shared a house. He did his thing and I did mine. He had many girls on the side. I didn't care because he was close but not too close. He was there but not so much so that I felt "suffocated" by his presence. 

In the home, I did all of the "wifely" duties. Cooked. Cleaned. Sex. Then on weekends he would go out with his girlfriends. Movies. Dinners. Motels. I would go out with my friends. Visit relatives. Whatever I felt like doing. We lived separate lives but were together. In my crazed brain, it all made sense. It was the perfect solution. Until it wasn't.

I often wonder how long I would have stayed if he hadn't become friends with a guy who had a 15 year old daughter. She's his wife now. It was more than I could handle. Messing with his best friend's kid. It was too much for me. Too close to home. Brought up too many memories. I told him to choose. Her or me. Want to know the funny part? He chose me and then I walked away. I didn't want him. I left. I divorced him. Something sick and twisted in knowing that if I had wanted him I could have had him, but I didn't. It gave me a feeling of power and control.

The day he married her, he showed up on my door step. Wanting to know if we could work something out. I shut the door in his face.

Life's funny like that sometimes.

Make up your mind to explore yourself
Make up your mind you have stories to tell
We'll search in your past
For what sorrows may last
Then make up your mind to be well

"make up your mind - alice ripley"

First Time for Everything

For reasons unbeknownst to me, this last week or two has just been funky. I haven't felt "myself". I felt like I was wearing someone else's body and it wasn't exactly the right size. I never know why these moods come. They just do. I never know why they go. They just go.

If this mood weren't bad enough, a couple three days ago I found out that Jigger was going on a trip. Well maybe going. In July. Nothing confirmed, but it PISSED me off. I am unable to go because of visa issues, but as soon as he told me I instantly felt the rage jump out of the pit of my stomach and into my throat. Somehow I managed to keep it contained inside my mouth, but Jigger could tell by the look on my face that I was not HAPPY. 

For the next 24 hrs I said not one word to Jigger. I mean Not. One. Single. Word. I didn't look at him. As far as I was concerned he simply did not exist. He let me be. Then I HAD to ask a work related question. He answered and the door was opened. Slightly. 

As hard as I tried NOT to be pissed, I still was. The occasional snide remark slipped out and Jigger just let it go. He saw that I was TRYING to control the rage that was inside of me. I was TRYING to gain control over the emotions that were spinning a thousand miles an hour inside my head. Paranoid, irrational, illogical thoughts. Thousands of them bombarding my brain each second and yet somehow I managed to keep almost all of them from escaping. 

Then 48 hrs passed from the time I found out about this maybe not yet confirmed trip. Slowly acceptance was starting to creep in. Real acceptance. Not the fake shit I had been telling myself for the previous 24 hrs. My heart stopped pounding in my chest. My breathing eased. My mind slowed down a bit. I became more in control of my thoughts.

72 hrs has now passed and then I remembered something. Something I had totally forgotten. Something that if I had totally come unglued I would have never remembered. That forgotten thing that was rambling around in my brain, fighting to come to the surface was the one thing I needed. It was the truth amidst the lies that my brain had been telling me for 3 days. It took me 3 days to find it but I found it. That is a first for me. This is the first time I was able to really control my rage and out of control feelings, and I am damn proud of myself. 

While most of this post makes no sense to anyone outside of my head, I thought it important to document this moment. So that when it happens again because we all know there will be an again, then maybe I will remember to just hold on. Just let the emotions run their course and wait. Don't react to the first thought that comes up for air. Don't assume the irrational, illogical crap screaming to be released is correct. Just because it wants to be free doesn't mean it has to be let free. This post is to remind myself the right thought will eventually come to the surface and when it does, I will be able to recognize it. So trust it.

Things really aren't as bad as they seem.

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open

"with arms wide open - creed"

Vegas

"What are you doing?!"

"Packing. What does it look like I am doing?"

"But why are you packing?"

"Johnnie and I are gettin' out of here. I can't take it anymore. I am suffocating."

"Where are you going? You can't leave me here like this. Were you even going to tell me that you were leaving?!"

"You know I love you but I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of here. I will come back for you I promise."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Where are you going? How will I reach you if I need you?"

"Vegas. Johnnie and I are going to be showgirls in one of those casinos."

"You always were a good dancer. Take me with you?"

"You know I can't. Not yet."

"Will they put your name in lights?"

"I will send you pictures if they do."

"I am going to miss you."

"I am gonna miss you too".

"Oh Johnnie's outside. I have to go. Don't tell anyone. Here. Take this."

"What is it?"

"It's a couple hundred bucks. In case you need anything for school or whatever. Once I start working I will send you money, but don't give it to Mum. It's for you. For school. Understand?"

"Uh-huh."

"Promise you won't give it to Mum. She will just shoot it up."

"Promise."

"I gotta go. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Ready?" Johnnie asks.

"Ready. Vegas here we come."


 

This was for a writing prompt at Studio 30+

Teen-Spirit

The last few days I have felt like I was in a fog. Just going through the motions. Not really present. Unable to actually "connect" with the words that seem to be continuously spewing from my mouth. I don't know what brings these moods on or what makes them leave. They seem to have a life force of their own and occasionally our paths seem to cross then they just move on to wherever it is they were originally headed. Leaving me behind going WTH just happened. It's during these times I find I lose whatever ground I have managed to gain. These little side trips remind me of just how much harder it is and sometimes I wonder if it really is worth it all. If I should just let the delusions take over and live in fantasy land. I am certain if I was medicated, then these little bumps wouldn't seem so big.

For me, taking care of my spirit is probably the hardest part for me. It is the part I ignore unless it starts jumping up and down shouting "look at me over here look at me". Even then I only pay half attention to what it is saying.

There are times I wonder if this "sane" me is actually the "crazy" me. Not ever being able to trust what I see or hear has taken its toll. Whenever I meet new people, I always wonder if they are saying what it is I think they are saying or if I am just reading my insanity into it. This is why I keep my distance from others, but humans are pack animals and I am human so after a while I start craving nearness. I want to be close to others but on my terms which most of the time they don't understand.

So hopefully this fog lifts soon. I am ready for it to move on. 

and I can't pretend that you were there
and I can't pretend I held your hand
and I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now
and I am not scared of falling down

"wintersleep - fog"

A Beautiful Mind

Have you seen this movie? No? Then you have to. It's AMAZING! It's based upon John Forbes Nash Jr. He is a crazy who wins a Nobel prize. There are other geniuses who were just fuckin' nuts too. 

Like Pythagoras, he was the math guy. He is the reason you know The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides. I bet you didn't know he founded his own religion. Kinda like a Greek L. Ron Hubbard except in Pythagoras's religion not only did he believe in reincarnation but that beans were evil.Yes beans as in "beans beans good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart". Yes those beans. Although if you spend more than 5 secs around my Uncle Bo after he eats beans, then you will start to agree with ol' Pythie on the beans thing. 

So this has got me thinking. Maybe I am not crazy. Maybe none of us are crazy. Maybe we are all fuckin' geniuses and we haven't convinced the other crazies to follow us because seriously how many times have you really needed to know The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides? 

Exactly. So I think I will start working on my plan to take over the world and declare brussel sprouts as the sperm of satan. Have you ever smelled brussel sprouts cooking? There is no way that is not the sperm of satan. All those parents who try to get you to eat  your brussel sprouts. They are really satan's wives trying to impregnate you with his offspring. 

I so would have drunk the kool-aid. 

I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy
You turn it on
Then you're gone
Yeah you drive me
Crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby
What can I do, honey
I feel like the color blue... 

"crazy - aerosmith"

Body

I thought I would continue on with the body, mind, and spirit post by talking about each one individually. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am certain I have one. How can I be certain? Well I am pretty sure it is not normal or healthy to not eat for days then suddenly eat the ass end of boar and then be so disgusted with myself that I don't eat again for days and then suddenly eat the ass end of a boar. I could keep going but I am sure you get my point.

I also don't look in the mirror often. About two weeks ago I happened to look up while I was washing my hands. I realized that was the first time I had seen myself with my glasses on. I could use the excuse that I don't wear them except when I am working on my computer, but I have had them for two years so that excuse just doesn't seem to cover it entirely.

There are times when I look at my body and see this:

Trouble usually follows after I start seeing her in the mirror. She doesn't think. Not about consequences or tomorrow or much beyond the next five minutes. She is impulsive, spontaneous, fun. Everyone loves her. Male and female. She is not afraid to try new things with new people in strange new places, but she is also tiring. She goes without stopping. Doesn't need sleep. Is always searching for the next high to numb the pain. Each high has to be bigger and better than the last. While I have enjoyed spending time with her, I am also glad to see her go.

Unfortunately when she goes, I usually start to see this:

When I see this, it isn't long before I have the razor in my hand. When I look like this, I cut myself off from the world. Don't talk to anyone. Start calling in sick for work or just not showing up at all. I don't shower this. What is the point? You can't wash that off. No one wants to see it. Not even me. I can sleep for days like this. What else is there to do? Nothing except disappear.

Reality is I am neither of those things.  Even so I still don't look in the mirror. At least not often. Occasionally I become curious. What do I look like now? Then when I do look, it is as if I am seeing a stranger for the first time. I will stare and wonder is that what I really look like? It's strange seeing your own reflection and not recognizing it. My eating now is much better than before, but that is mostly because of Jigger. When we first got married, I barely ate which lead to many fights. I began eating just to avoid arguments. Now after 3 years, I eat at least one meal a day and snack on fruit throughout the day instead of just eating sugar junk or crisps/chips. My eating habits may not be100% healthy, but they aren't bad like they once were. I can definitely tell a difference when I have too much sugar or caffeine. I become irritable, anxious, jittery. I avoid those foods as much as possible now.

Because I have a somewhat "regular" eating habit, I can tell right away when my pendulum starts to swing. I stop eating. Jigger and I start arguing. I start thinking about chatting guys up on the internet just for fun. I know it's time to stop and collect myself before I go too far. I have lost so much already. I don't want to lose what little I have managed to regain.

Sometimes I watch my sister as she fixes her hair in the mirror. Turning left then right. Making sure every strand is in place. Eyes open wide as she applies her eyeliner. Checks her teeth and then heads out the door. Sometimes I feel jealous. Wonder why my mirror is so broken and hers so perfect.

I have been pretty detached the last few days. Ever since I wrote about my delusions. That is why my writing is so shitty these last couple days. Never ending roller coaster.

Ain't tryna hear you
Just tryna hear me
Don't wanna hear nothing, baby its selfishly
I blaming you for the hurt in me,

but it's not your fault that
I'm so incomplete

"mirror- mary j blige"