The last few days I have felt like I was in a fog. Just going through the motions. Not really present. Unable to actually "connect" with the words that seem to be continuously spewing from my mouth. I don't know what brings these moods on or what makes them leave. They seem to have a life force of their own and occasionally our paths seem to cross then they just move on to wherever it is they were originally headed. Leaving me behind going WTH just happened. It's during these times I find I lose whatever ground I have managed to gain. These little side trips remind me of just how much harder it is and sometimes I wonder if it really is worth it all. If I should just let the delusions take over and live in fantasy land. I am certain if I was medicated, then these little bumps wouldn't seem so big.
For me, taking care of my spirit is probably the hardest part for me. It is the part I ignore unless it starts jumping up and down shouting "look at me over here look at me". Even then I only pay half attention to what it is saying.
There are times I wonder if this "sane" me is actually the "crazy" me. Not ever being able to trust what I see or hear has taken its toll. Whenever I meet new people, I always wonder if they are saying what it is I think they are saying or if I am just reading my insanity into it. This is why I keep my distance from others, but humans are pack animals and I am human so after a while I start craving nearness. I want to be close to others but on my terms which most of the time they don't understand.
So hopefully this fog lifts soon. I am ready for it to move on.
and I can't pretend that you were there
and I can't pretend I held your hand
and I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now
and I am not scared of falling down
and I can't pretend I held your hand
and I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now
and I am not scared of falling down
"wintersleep - fog"
3 comments:
I woke up on the same side of the bed as you today. Not literally. That's reads weird.
I feel the same.
Check out Studio30plus tomorrow at 9am edt. You might like what I wrote about.
I feel stupid and contagious
I have a constant fear of withering. I've planned my funeral already. It's been planned for years. My greatest fear is that someone at my funeral will say, "Such a shame. So much wasted talent." And then today, my kid looked at me and said, "Dad is cool. You don't count." Great. I don't count. Not surprising, really. He's a kid. But it still cuts.
I try not to think of it as ‘gaining’ or ‘losing’ ground. There’s only one ground. Some days you just get turned around a bit. Eventually though you can always find your footing.
Post a Comment