We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Thursday, 7 April 2011

First Time for Everything

For reasons unbeknownst to me, this last week or two has just been funky. I haven't felt "myself". I felt like I was wearing someone else's body and it wasn't exactly the right size. I never know why these moods come. They just do. I never know why they go. They just go.

If this mood weren't bad enough, a couple three days ago I found out that Jigger was going on a trip. Well maybe going. In July. Nothing confirmed, but it PISSED me off. I am unable to go because of visa issues, but as soon as he told me I instantly felt the rage jump out of the pit of my stomach and into my throat. Somehow I managed to keep it contained inside my mouth, but Jigger could tell by the look on my face that I was not HAPPY. 

For the next 24 hrs I said not one word to Jigger. I mean Not. One. Single. Word. I didn't look at him. As far as I was concerned he simply did not exist. He let me be. Then I HAD to ask a work related question. He answered and the door was opened. Slightly. 

As hard as I tried NOT to be pissed, I still was. The occasional snide remark slipped out and Jigger just let it go. He saw that I was TRYING to control the rage that was inside of me. I was TRYING to gain control over the emotions that were spinning a thousand miles an hour inside my head. Paranoid, irrational, illogical thoughts. Thousands of them bombarding my brain each second and yet somehow I managed to keep almost all of them from escaping. 

Then 48 hrs passed from the time I found out about this maybe not yet confirmed trip. Slowly acceptance was starting to creep in. Real acceptance. Not the fake shit I had been telling myself for the previous 24 hrs. My heart stopped pounding in my chest. My breathing eased. My mind slowed down a bit. I became more in control of my thoughts.

72 hrs has now passed and then I remembered something. Something I had totally forgotten. Something that if I had totally come unglued I would have never remembered. That forgotten thing that was rambling around in my brain, fighting to come to the surface was the one thing I needed. It was the truth amidst the lies that my brain had been telling me for 3 days. It took me 3 days to find it but I found it. That is a first for me. This is the first time I was able to really control my rage and out of control feelings, and I am damn proud of myself. 

While most of this post makes no sense to anyone outside of my head, I thought it important to document this moment. So that when it happens again because we all know there will be an again, then maybe I will remember to just hold on. Just let the emotions run their course and wait. Don't react to the first thought that comes up for air. Don't assume the irrational, illogical crap screaming to be released is correct. Just because it wants to be free doesn't mean it has to be let free. This post is to remind myself the right thought will eventually come to the surface and when it does, I will be able to recognize it. So trust it.

Things really aren't as bad as they seem.

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open

"with arms wide open - creed"


Aimee said...

I wish it hadn't taken me 25 years and enough antipsychotics to kill a team of marine snipers to learn that. You're truly an inspiration, darlin.

Maasiyat said...

No, it just took me 20+ years and losing my kids. Not really inspirational when you look at the picture as a whole.

Haven said...

Was there a reason you got so angry?

I completely relate to this though. That feeling of uncontrollable anger. I'm much better equipped to deal with the irrational thoughts now. Outwardly at least. But it did take a long time to reach and remember that place.

I'm happy for you for finding some control. It's not easy.

Maasiyat said...

A rational reason? No not really. More of a control issue and I wasn't in "control" of the situation. Usually whenever this rage appears it ends in one of those "you hate me, you don't love me, i want a divorce" arguments. I know I can't keep saying that even though I don't mean it because one day he will say ok let's get a divorce so the fact I didn't argue this time and raise all kinds of hell because it is out of my control and I am not the one making the decisions is HUGE.

Lance said...

Yep, when a control freak realizes they don;t have control, bad things happen.

I like how you know the problem, so to speak. Good post.


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