Portals Through Blogerapy

The last few months have been turbulent but that isn't saying much. My last few days/weeks/months/years are almost always turbulent in some form or fashion. At times the turbulence seems to have a life all its own. Pulling, dragging and clawing at me. Ripping me down to shreds then taping me back together just to do it all over again. This seems to be the process that is my life.

However since I began writing, truly writing, not just spewing combinations of letters into words and gluing them together with puncuation, but purging my soul. Exposing myself. Making myself vulnerable. Putting all of  the ugly that has been devouring me from the inside out there for all to see. I have noticed profound changes have taken place in my thought processes. When these changes actually started taking place I am not sure. All I know is that they are there now. The nasty voice that lives inside of me that tells me how worthless I am now has competition. Another voice has taken root beside of it. A voice that says I am NOT the things that the nasty says I am.

I am not perfect. I am flawed. Broken in some places. Chipped in others, but nevertheless I have value even if that value is only within myself. I don't know how long this thinking will last. I hope it stays because I kinda like it. I like the lightness of it. It doesn't remove the darkness instead it has incorporated itself into the darkness and I kinda like that. I like my differentness. I don' t want to lose it. I am certain this road is just the beginning. I have no idea where it is going to end, but I do know that I plan on shaping its journey instead of just allowing it to drag me along like dirt stuck on the mudflap. I am tired of the world shaping my existance.

Now it's my turn.


I wrote this awhile ago, but never published it. Seems I need to read this again. 

Racing with Myself

I work very hard to control my emotions, my words, and my thoughts. The one I have the most trouble with is my thoughts. They race. Constantly. Bits and pieces of this and that. Running. Within stopping. A thought comes in my mind and flies in a bazillion directions. It conjures up a bazillion more possibilities of what may be and may not be. Then it plays them all out which only creates a bazillion more thoughts with a bagillion more possibilities. 

It's never ending. Thoughts constantly bombarding the inside of my head. At times I can literally feel them bouncing off the inside of my skull. Times like right now. 

My hands are shaking like a drunk who's gone too long without a drink. I can feel my whole body just shivering from within. Thoughts zooming behind my eyelids. Even as I type this, I can hear the million other voices trying to be heard. Bombarding me. All I want is to sleep. Just for a bit of silence. 

Jigger doesn't understand why loud noises bother me. Why I jump out of my skin at a raised voice. It is because the noise inside my mind never ceases. It just grows louder and louder until I can't hear my own self think anymore and I feel like I am spinning out of control. 

Sometimes I get so worked up over these spontaneous bursts of irrationality that I convince myself they are true. I convince myself they will happen and I must act before they crawl out of my head and consume me. So I act upon these bursts of irrationality that truly only exist within the confines of my skull. I take preventive measures to keep them from occuring except you can't really prevent an imaginary thing from being. I mean if it doesn't really exist in the first place, how do you stop it from sneaking in through the cracks? 

My preventative measures usually have the opposite effect. They usually dig me deeper into my hole. Right now I'm  trying hard to not allow these bursts to escape their confinement. But as each burst explodes behind my eye lids. Blinding me with their intensity and screaming in my ears, I feel my hold upon them weakening. I fear what will happen if they are unleashed and allowed into existence. I fear what I may do in order to stop their escape. 

To have quiet just for a moment. To actually sleep when my eyes close. If only I could find comfort within my own skin, instead of feeling so confined and suffocated. If only........

Push then Pull

I am the first to admit being around me, being my friend, living with me is NOT an easy thing to do. Every day the rules of being near me change. For no apparent reason, and you may not even know they have changed, but I will punish you for not following my rules of being near me. 

Some days I feel like having a chat. Other days I'll slap you cross eyed for even breathing the same air as me. Not because you did anything. Just because that is the roller coaster that it is bipolar. Our emotions twist and turn and pull us along for the ride. For the most part, we have little control over which direction we are pulled especially those like me who are unmedicated. While I know it's very difficult on those around me, I think the thing most people don't understand is how difficult it is on me. 

I don't want to be the way I am. I would love to be able to control my emotional roller coaster. This past week was the first time Jigger saw such an explosive reaction from me. During the four years we've been together I have managed to hold it together pretty well. Yes there have been yelling matches, but nothing as explosive as this past week. It scared him as much as it shocked him. One second he was arguing with me and the next he was a deer in headlights. Frozen in place. I don't even think he took a breath for a few seconds. 

When he finally did breathe, all he knew to do was to clean up the blood. What I think frightened him the most was that I had been bleeding for close to an hour with absolutely no idea that I had even been hurt. Blood was caked in my hair, dried on my face, smeared on the bed, walls, across everything I had touched in that last hour. The lights were off so the room was dark and I couldn't see. When he turned the light on to see why I flinched when he touched my hand, it was quite a shock for him and me. The sight of the blood shocked me back to reality for a moment. I went into auto pilot. Cleaning the wound, making a temporary bandage that would hold til morning when Jigger could go and buy some proper things. 

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could be able to find the words to express the chaos that is running through me, but I can't and when the words become too loud, too confusing, too chaotic, then I explode. I push people far away. Not letting or wanting them near me and when the chaos subsides, I start to pull them back close to me. Except they don't usually want to be close to me any longer. The explosion has usually pushed them so far away that they don't want to experience it again. I mean honestly how many people want to live at the top of an active volcano? It's not an easy place to live near. 

That's why I usually just keep people away because I know eventually the explosion will take place and they will run. If I keep them away, then there is no need to fear that some day they'll leave. There is no need to worry that one day I'll do something stupid that even I can't explain and will cause them to love me a little less. Until one day there is no love left at all. Living inside my mind is not an easy place to live. I'm lucky in many ways. Even though Jigger and I have our problems, he never runs from the explosions. For that I am truly blessed.

Rebuilding

A lot has happened this week. Most of it I haven't blogged about. Some is too personal and I just don't want to go there. Some I just don't have the energy to get into. This week has been super busy and the injury did little to help with that. For now I'm in a very strange moment of time. I feel suspended as if I have been frozen and am just stuck in place. Waiting for some unknown entity to come and start my clock again. 

Rebuilding is beyond difficult. It is much easier to be lost in the delusion of insanity than to forge my way through reality. I feel out of place. I never know if what I'm doing is the correct response in any given situation. I feel a constant state of panic. Like I'm just waiting for the wind to blow my house of cards down. It's exhausting. But if I ever want to get out of this hole, then I must climb. I honestly didn't realize how deeply I had buried myself until I began climbing. I had no idea I had gone that far down the rabbit hole. I truly believed it wouldn't be this difficult and if I return to my old ways and old life, then it wouldn't be, but I don't want that life.

I want the life that lives beyond the rabbit hole. The life that has only existed in my mind. The life I've never actually seen or touched or breathed. A life I'm not 100% certain truly exists, but yet I climb. Searching, hoping, believing there is more beyond.

I Must Have Pissed Someone Off

So apparently I have pissed off the gods of sleep because for the last week they have skipped over me and each day I am sleeping less and less. I hate when I am like this. I need sleep. I need routine. I need it to be sane. To think. To function. Without it I'm even more fucked up than normal, and considering the week I have had I need sleep more than ever. So where the fuck did it disappear to and why can I not find it? 

I even began exercising again today to try to make myself tired. Just made me MORE awake than I was before. Nothing is working. I know I'm super stressing over shit that I have no control over. Freaking about things that really only exist in my mind. 

Jigger is starting a new project. Well it's not new new. It's one we did a couple years ago and had to stop due to lack of finances, but now he wants to restart it. It caused MAJOR problems/fights/disagreements between us before. We both held administrative positions and our approach is polar opposite so it did not ever end well. This time however I am REALLY trying to let go. I told him I would do the design work, but I wanted no part of running it once it was launched. I don't want any sort of administrative position. Don't want any decision making role whatsoever. I told him it's his. Leave me out of it. 

In a  way  I'm glad that I am able to realize my weaknesses and know that I'm not at a point where I CAN work along side him, but it also makes me sad that I CAN'T work along side him. However, for the sake of my few remaining brain cells I have decided this to be the best course of action. Now if only I can remember to stay on it and not meddle when he makes a decision I totally disapprove of because we all know it will happen 0.2 secs after we launch the project. 

Now where the fuck is my sleep? Someone fucking stole it I'm sure. Assfucks can't keep their hands to themselves.

Would You Put Your Toad in a Hole

So I love to cook. It calms me and after the week I have had I needed some calming. I was searching for some recipes when I came upon this, Toad in a Hole. Here's a pic for those of you yanks who actually think it's a fucking toad stuffed in a hole.

 

So this got me thinking about other luvely recipes such as Spotted Dick or Blood Pudding. I mean who the fuck is naming these foods. Obviously someone way  more messed up than me and/or really needs to be laid and bizarrely that makes me smile.

blood pudding

spotted dick w/custard

Now I'm off to cover my dick in custard. How do you prefer your spotted dick? With or without custard?

Blood Spatter

What happens when you have amanic moment and are unable to express yourself with words? Or what happens if every word you is twisted to suit the views of another? Or what happens when you feel yourself falling and spinning out of control? What happens when your mind is unable to cope with the chaos that is surrounding you?

What do you do?

You pick up the water glass sitting in front of you and smash your head with it until it shatters and thereby cuttung your head and hand so badly it'll take 3 hrs,several blood soaked bandages and a lot of compression to make the bleeding stop. you'll need stitches but won't go get them because you won't want to explain what happened instead you'll spend 45 mins typing a blog with 1 finger.

this ends today's episode of "INSIDE THE BIPOLAR MIND"