We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Secure At All Costs

I have a thing with feeling secure and stable. The thing is I don't ever feel this way. Feeling as if my world can at any moment be sucked out from underneath is as much a part of me as breathing. Even when I KNOW things are ok, there is always this little tickle of doubt tucked in the corner that says prepare anyway. Just in case. 

From my birth my life was in constant flux. I never knew what the day would be like when I stepped off the bus each day from school. My home filled with drugs, alcohol, and abuse. While appearing neat and tidy on the outside was a constant roller coaster ride on the inside. Then whoosh I went to live with my grandparents. But that wasn't permanent either. Every six months or so my mom would pop in and I'd go live with her or a cousin or aunt or back to my grandparents. I never had my own room. Never hung posters on the walls or decorated. I was nearly 14 before I had a bed to sleep in. Usually I slept on the floor or sofa. 

Then there's the asswipe aka my ex husband. If my life was not chaotic before that so not intelligent decision then it sure as hell was after. It's only now today. When my life is starting to balance, when I'm finally connecting the dots that I realize how ingrained into my inner being this feeling of "be prepared" has become. Now as I build the foundation that most people grow up with I realize I have never lived beyond today. I have never thought of tomorrow. My entire existance has always been for the day. If I can find enough money to pay the rent for this week, this moment. To eat today I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. The downside to this living in the moment is that I always feel I'm in a constant state of panic. I am constantly in need of collecting, gathering, working, building and I never have that solid foundation that I know I can lean on if there's a bump in the road. 

It's a difficult place to be. To know there is nowhere to turn if things go a little bad. It reminds me of how alone I am in the world. How many bridges I've burned in my quest of trying to find this allusive security I seem unable to get my hands on. I know this is something I need to gain control over, but it has become a survival instinct within me. To the point it causes panic attacks whenever I feel my "supplies" are slightly below where they should be. Even though I'm ok. Even though things are not in danger I still worry. Be prepared. Plan A, B, C, D, and E are minimum requirements for every day of my life. It's exhausting. I'm trying to let go of this. I've gotten much better than I was before, but still that lump appears in my throat whenever I think things are not as ok as they should  be. While you'd think all of this preparedness would always keep me ahead, usually it ends up putting me behind because I use what little I have for some made up "emergency" in my mind. Then if a real one comes I don't have what I need to cover it. 

Blah. It's a never ending cycle. I just need a sugar daddy. Anyone got an extra they might like to share?

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