Portals Through Blogerapy

The last few months have been turbulent but that isn't saying much. My last few days/weeks/months/years are almost always turbulent in some form or fashion. At times the turbulence seems to have a life all its own. Pulling, dragging and clawing at me. Ripping me down to shreds then taping me back together just to do it all over again. This seems to be the process that is my life.

However since I began writing, truly writing, not just spewing combinations of letters into words and gluing them together with puncuation, but purging my soul. Exposing myself. Making myself vulnerable. Putting all of  the ugly that has been devouring me from the inside out there for all to see. I have noticed profound changes have taken place in my thought processes. When these changes actually started taking place I am not sure. All I know is that they are there now. The nasty voice that lives inside of me that tells me how worthless I am now has competition. Another voice has taken root beside of it. A voice that says I am NOT the things that the nasty says I am.

I am not perfect. I am flawed. Broken in some places. Chipped in others, but nevertheless I have value even if that value is only within myself. I don't know how long this thinking will last. I hope it stays because I kinda like it. I like the lightness of it. It doesn't remove the darkness instead it has incorporated itself into the darkness and I kinda like that. I like my differentness. I don' t want to lose it. I am certain this road is just the beginning. I have no idea where it is going to end, but I do know that I plan on shaping its journey instead of just allowing it to drag me along like dirt stuck on the mudflap. I am tired of the world shaping my existance.

Now it's my turn.


I wrote this awhile ago, but never published it. Seems I need to read this again. 

Racing with Myself

I work very hard to control my emotions, my words, and my thoughts. The one I have the most trouble with is my thoughts. They race. Constantly. Bits and pieces of this and that. Running. Within stopping. A thought comes in my mind and flies in a bazillion directions. It conjures up a bazillion more possibilities of what may be and may not be. Then it plays them all out which only creates a bazillion more thoughts with a bagillion more possibilities. 

It's never ending. Thoughts constantly bombarding the inside of my head. At times I can literally feel them bouncing off the inside of my skull. Times like right now. 

My hands are shaking like a drunk who's gone too long without a drink. I can feel my whole body just shivering from within. Thoughts zooming behind my eyelids. Even as I type this, I can hear the million other voices trying to be heard. Bombarding me. All I want is to sleep. Just for a bit of silence. 

Jigger doesn't understand why loud noises bother me. Why I jump out of my skin at a raised voice. It is because the noise inside my mind never ceases. It just grows louder and louder until I can't hear my own self think anymore and I feel like I am spinning out of control. 

Sometimes I get so worked up over these spontaneous bursts of irrationality that I convince myself they are true. I convince myself they will happen and I must act before they crawl out of my head and consume me. So I act upon these bursts of irrationality that truly only exist within the confines of my skull. I take preventive measures to keep them from occuring except you can't really prevent an imaginary thing from being. I mean if it doesn't really exist in the first place, how do you stop it from sneaking in through the cracks? 

My preventative measures usually have the opposite effect. They usually dig me deeper into my hole. Right now I'm  trying hard to not allow these bursts to escape their confinement. But as each burst explodes behind my eye lids. Blinding me with their intensity and screaming in my ears, I feel my hold upon them weakening. I fear what will happen if they are unleashed and allowed into existence. I fear what I may do in order to stop their escape. 

To have quiet just for a moment. To actually sleep when my eyes close. If only I could find comfort within my own skin, instead of feeling so confined and suffocated. If only........

Push then Pull

I am the first to admit being around me, being my friend, living with me is NOT an easy thing to do. Every day the rules of being near me change. For no apparent reason, and you may not even know they have changed, but I will punish you for not following my rules of being near me. 

Some days I feel like having a chat. Other days I'll slap you cross eyed for even breathing the same air as me. Not because you did anything. Just because that is the roller coaster that it is bipolar. Our emotions twist and turn and pull us along for the ride. For the most part, we have little control over which direction we are pulled especially those like me who are unmedicated. While I know it's very difficult on those around me, I think the thing most people don't understand is how difficult it is on me. 

I don't want to be the way I am. I would love to be able to control my emotional roller coaster. This past week was the first time Jigger saw such an explosive reaction from me. During the four years we've been together I have managed to hold it together pretty well. Yes there have been yelling matches, but nothing as explosive as this past week. It scared him as much as it shocked him. One second he was arguing with me and the next he was a deer in headlights. Frozen in place. I don't even think he took a breath for a few seconds. 

When he finally did breathe, all he knew to do was to clean up the blood. What I think frightened him the most was that I had been bleeding for close to an hour with absolutely no idea that I had even been hurt. Blood was caked in my hair, dried on my face, smeared on the bed, walls, across everything I had touched in that last hour. The lights were off so the room was dark and I couldn't see. When he turned the light on to see why I flinched when he touched my hand, it was quite a shock for him and me. The sight of the blood shocked me back to reality for a moment. I went into auto pilot. Cleaning the wound, making a temporary bandage that would hold til morning when Jigger could go and buy some proper things. 

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could be able to find the words to express the chaos that is running through me, but I can't and when the words become too loud, too confusing, too chaotic, then I explode. I push people far away. Not letting or wanting them near me and when the chaos subsides, I start to pull them back close to me. Except they don't usually want to be close to me any longer. The explosion has usually pushed them so far away that they don't want to experience it again. I mean honestly how many people want to live at the top of an active volcano? It's not an easy place to live near. 

That's why I usually just keep people away because I know eventually the explosion will take place and they will run. If I keep them away, then there is no need to fear that some day they'll leave. There is no need to worry that one day I'll do something stupid that even I can't explain and will cause them to love me a little less. Until one day there is no love left at all. Living inside my mind is not an easy place to live. I'm lucky in many ways. Even though Jigger and I have our problems, he never runs from the explosions. For that I am truly blessed.

Rebuilding

A lot has happened this week. Most of it I haven't blogged about. Some is too personal and I just don't want to go there. Some I just don't have the energy to get into. This week has been super busy and the injury did little to help with that. For now I'm in a very strange moment of time. I feel suspended as if I have been frozen and am just stuck in place. Waiting for some unknown entity to come and start my clock again. 

Rebuilding is beyond difficult. It is much easier to be lost in the delusion of insanity than to forge my way through reality. I feel out of place. I never know if what I'm doing is the correct response in any given situation. I feel a constant state of panic. Like I'm just waiting for the wind to blow my house of cards down. It's exhausting. But if I ever want to get out of this hole, then I must climb. I honestly didn't realize how deeply I had buried myself until I began climbing. I had no idea I had gone that far down the rabbit hole. I truly believed it wouldn't be this difficult and if I return to my old ways and old life, then it wouldn't be, but I don't want that life.

I want the life that lives beyond the rabbit hole. The life that has only existed in my mind. The life I've never actually seen or touched or breathed. A life I'm not 100% certain truly exists, but yet I climb. Searching, hoping, believing there is more beyond.

I Must Have Pissed Someone Off

So apparently I have pissed off the gods of sleep because for the last week they have skipped over me and each day I am sleeping less and less. I hate when I am like this. I need sleep. I need routine. I need it to be sane. To think. To function. Without it I'm even more fucked up than normal, and considering the week I have had I need sleep more than ever. So where the fuck did it disappear to and why can I not find it? 

I even began exercising again today to try to make myself tired. Just made me MORE awake than I was before. Nothing is working. I know I'm super stressing over shit that I have no control over. Freaking about things that really only exist in my mind. 

Jigger is starting a new project. Well it's not new new. It's one we did a couple years ago and had to stop due to lack of finances, but now he wants to restart it. It caused MAJOR problems/fights/disagreements between us before. We both held administrative positions and our approach is polar opposite so it did not ever end well. This time however I am REALLY trying to let go. I told him I would do the design work, but I wanted no part of running it once it was launched. I don't want any sort of administrative position. Don't want any decision making role whatsoever. I told him it's his. Leave me out of it. 

In a  way  I'm glad that I am able to realize my weaknesses and know that I'm not at a point where I CAN work along side him, but it also makes me sad that I CAN'T work along side him. However, for the sake of my few remaining brain cells I have decided this to be the best course of action. Now if only I can remember to stay on it and not meddle when he makes a decision I totally disapprove of because we all know it will happen 0.2 secs after we launch the project. 

Now where the fuck is my sleep? Someone fucking stole it I'm sure. Assfucks can't keep their hands to themselves.

Would You Put Your Toad in a Hole

So I love to cook. It calms me and after the week I have had I needed some calming. I was searching for some recipes when I came upon this, Toad in a Hole. Here's a pic for those of you yanks who actually think it's a fucking toad stuffed in a hole.

 

So this got me thinking about other luvely recipes such as Spotted Dick or Blood Pudding. I mean who the fuck is naming these foods. Obviously someone way  more messed up than me and/or really needs to be laid and bizarrely that makes me smile.

blood pudding

spotted dick w/custard

Now I'm off to cover my dick in custard. How do you prefer your spotted dick? With or without custard?

Blood Spatter

What happens when you have amanic moment and are unable to express yourself with words? Or what happens if every word you is twisted to suit the views of another? Or what happens when you feel yourself falling and spinning out of control? What happens when your mind is unable to cope with the chaos that is surrounding you?

What do you do?

You pick up the water glass sitting in front of you and smash your head with it until it shatters and thereby cuttung your head and hand so badly it'll take 3 hrs,several blood soaked bandages and a lot of compression to make the bleeding stop. you'll need stitches but won't go get them because you won't want to explain what happened instead you'll spend 45 mins typing a blog with 1 finger.

this ends today's episode of "INSIDE THE BIPOLAR MIND"

Run Away

If only I could. Run. Far. From here. From me. From everything that surrounds me. To some place. Where there are no people. No rules of how you're suppose to be. No little holes to try to fit it and you're not able. No hurt. No pain. Just silence. And the wind. 

If only  it were that easy. If only I could squeeze myself hard enough into a little ball until I disappeared within myelf. Fell through time and space into nothingness. If only I did not exist. I question my reason for being everyday. Everywhere I go I reek havoc and chaos upon those around me. Hatred and disgust are my two best friends. They follow me everywhere. They never leave my side. They are the only certainty in this uncertain world. I cannot love nor be loved. I cannot live near others nor allow them to live near me. I cannot simply be nor do I want to be. Then what is the point?

Why am I here? Just to be a plaything for the universe. A broken toy to knock around when it feels bored. What did I do that was so wrong so heinous that I deserve this so called existence that has been forced upon me? When will I ever be free?

Remain Seated At All Times During Ride

Enveloped by fear. Crippled unable to move forward. Lost unknowing how to return. 

I walk through the world in constant fear. Fear of people seeing within me. Seeing the festuring pus that resides within the core of my being. The corroded monstrosity that hides from prying eyes until the darkness surrounds it, hiding its steps from others as it creeps through the world. A silent predator lurking within. 

Ravaged by anger. Seething, boiling, longing to be unleashed. Just to destroy. Anything. Everything. Like a rabid dog, ripping and clawing at whatever happens to cross its path. No reason. No logic. Just pure unleashed anger. 

With every breath I take these emotions roll through me. Slithering and writhing. Tossing me here and there licking me as my senses are overwhelmed by their repulsive stench. I wait for the moment to pass. To release me from its grip. Nothing I can do will make it hurry for it moves at its own pace. Inching along until finally for reasons unknown it simply moves on. Leaving me strewn amongst the aftermath. A broken toy tossed aside by a spoiled child. 

Hurt. Hidden deep within. Locked way in the corners of the darkness. Silent. Overpowered by fear and anger. Unable to be. Unable to grow. Pushed back each time it tries to come forth. Weak and powerless it sits and waits for the moment when it can finally be free.

Playful Verbiage

The bells rang. 

A ray of sound piercing the silence.

A sigh escaped the forgotten one. 
Frightened and  frail she waits.

Patiently.

Smash 365: Wordplay

Cast Away

Alone
Tossed aside amidst the darkened ruins
Silence fills the air
Air that hangs heavy choking the breath
Suffocating the lungs
Noise and chaos surround
Yet alone she remains
Unseen, unnoticed, unheard
A silent voice screaming
Meaningless words that no one hears

Why does she torture herself this way
Why not flee from the silence
Fast and far
Run
Yet amidst the silent darkness she remains

From the corner I watch her
Sitting, silently
Longing to break free of the chains tied tightly to her
Binding her in place
Even though she has the power to break them
She remains
Silently bound

Ignored, alone unheard
I watch and wait
Her every move enchants me
She is strong but appears weak
She allows herself to be ravaged
The others taunt her "weakness"
They do not see her strength
They do not see she could break them
It is only her will that stops her
Not their hold

I dare not breathe
For fear of breaking the silence
Slowly I make my way towards her

Suddenly she sees me
and I freeze
Uncertainty and doubt flow through me

She pretends to not see me
Encouraging me to come
Beckoning me like the siren that she is
A willing slave I continue towards her
Like a mother welcoming a lost child
She envelops me
Taking me inside of her
She allows me to roam freely

Not wanting to miss the opportunity
I eagerly search from within
The silence moving to accomodate my presence
Incorporating me into it
A living entity

Time ceased to exist inside of her
Patiently she allowed me to roam within
Smiling at my amusement
I searched every crevice
Caressing its smoothness
Until it consumed me
and I ceased to exist
and there was only she

No Words Needed

in the face of 

or having 

after experiencing

and being able to see the 

hidden amongst

or simply feeling

because underneath 

I Don't Know Who I Am

I came across an interesting little article while doing some reading on bipolar. You can read the full article HERE. The jist of it was that people who have what is known as "early onset bipolar disorder" tend to have no sense of self or identity. They use a lot of big words and medical mumbo jumbo, but from what I understood of it I can totally see this in myself. I was diagnosed with "manic depression" at the age of 13 and put on antidepressants/anti-psychotics meds.

One thing that I do that pisses people off is copy them. I take on mannerisms of the person in front of me. Maybe they pronounce words in a particular way or have some unique hand movement when they talk. Without even realizing it, I just start doing it too. I can do it as well as the person. Even mimicking accents, I am from the south and use to have a very pronounced southern accent. If you met me today, you would never be able to figure out where I am from based upon my speech. People think I am making fun of them, but in reality I think I subconsciously just pick up traits I see in others. I often don't know what is acceptable. What is me. What is bipolar. What is normal. I have no idea about acceptable social boundaries. When are people just being "polite" vs. being "honest". I have no idea what reaction is expected of me when I am around people so when I see someone doing something and people aren't flinging poo at them I just do that. At least this is the explanation I have come up with.

For a very long time I honestly didn't even realize I was "crazy". I accepted my behavior as "normal". Even though my life was in constant chaos and turmoil I blamed others. The father who abused me. The mother who abandoned me. The ex who broke me. I blamed everyone around me. I took no responsibility for my life or my actions. Since I have started to realize that I do have a problem. A fixable problem. Maybe it can't be taken away totally but it isn't just beyond my control. I can change me. I can be a better me. Since making these realizations, I have been slowly figuring out what is me and what isn't. Slowly taking on my own traits. I still feel the pull to be "like others". To copy them. To just do what they are doing, but now I try to pull back whenever I feel this. To take a moment and figure out exactly what it is I want. What I actually feel instead of just copying what I see from the person in front of me. 

The hardest part of finding me is realizing the life I have now is not necessarily the life I want but the one I am sort of "stuck with". I love my husband, but I feel suffocated at times. I want to do so much and if I just walked away from him, I could do every single thing I wanted except I don't really want to walk away. There are parts of my life with him that I want, but there are parts I can't stand. I feel torn between running and remaining. Finding the balance of a life that was created inside of chaos is extremely difficult. Maybe once I figure out who I am and what it is I want then the answers will become clearer, but for now I am still searching. Still figuring out what is me and what is the reflection of another.

This Totally Unacceptable Behavior Stops Now

What the hell are you people doing?!! It is NOT ok that all of my fave bloggers have suddenly gone on blogvacay all at the same fucking time. It's ok if one of you goes. I might could even accept two of you going at the same time but not ALL of you disappearing on me all at the same fucking time.

This is so not acceptable. I am so gonna go all Misery Kathy Bates on you people if you don't start writing again. Because I seriously NEED you guys to fill out my day. I don't know what to do with myself when you all leave me like this. I don't watch TV it bores me. So do movies except for 300 and Gladiator. But other than that I couldn't care who or what was on. 

So let's go. Someone better post soon before I go all postal on your asses. I know people and for $100 and a six pack your ass could be mine.Think about it. Write people write. NOW!!! 

You all know who you are. I got my eyeballs on you. Oh and while you're at it, bring some of these too. I need some munchies while I am waiting for you all to start writing.

Maintaining Control At All Costs

Be careful how quickly you give away your fire. ~Robert Bly

Consider yourself an architect for every aspect of your life — your writing, your exercise regimen, your finance management.

How well do you pace yourself with your story’s plots, your workouts, or your financial spending? How much control do you retain in everything that you do? What has happened when you have “given away your fire” too soon? What can you change in your life, right now, if you took greater control?  Smash 365

Allowing others to have "control" is a major trigger for me. Even in little mundane everyday things that really don't matter. Even in things I have no clue what I am doing. I must maintain control. I must do it. I cannot allow someone else to do or have control. This is a major problem in my life and my marriage. It is the source of the majority of our arguments. It is the source of the majority of the manic episodes in my life. Whenever I feel I am not in control, I panic. I imagine the worst case scenario and convince myself that is exactly what will happen unless I have control over the situation. Even though I may have no clue what the hell I am doing somehow just by doing it myself or controlling how it is done makes me feel calm. It makes my world be ok. It makes everything be ok. 

The minute I no longer have control the world becomes chaotic. I feel like it is spinning out of control. I feel like I am falling into the abyss never to return. It creates an extreme sense of panic and anxiety in me. No matter how much I try to let go I am unable to. 

I don't enjoy being this way. I don't enjoy being unable to allow others to do for me. I don't enjoy the panic that floods through me at the thought of not being in control. I WANT to allow others to do, but I simply cannot. I try and try to allow them to take control, but the minute I sense that the situation is going slightly askew even when it really isn't, I panic. I take back control. This causes people to be angry with me. Jigger gets so pissed at me sometimes that he literally REFUSES to do anything if I am present. 

The other day we argued because I could NOT allow him to fix my computer. Even though he is the one who KNOWS how to do it much better than me. Even though it only took him an hour to get it sorted after I begged and cried for two days for him to do it because I could NOT figure out certain parts of it. I had to go take a shower while he fixed it because I literally could NOT sit in the room with him. I knew I would start. I knew we would fight again and he would refuse again and I would be without a computer for another two days. So the only solution I had was to physically remove myself from the room. By the time I returned he was almost finished. 

Seeing that it was almost complete allowed me to remain calm for the remaining 20 mins while he worked on it and sorted it out. For now the only solution I have is to remove myself when someone is doing something. When I have no control. 

But I am working on this. It is something I plan to conquer. Just like the other demons that swirl and twirl and dance inside my head. Some day I shall vanquish them all but for now I dance and twirl like a good little puppet as they pull my strings and demand attention. 

Safety Measures and Precautions

The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise. ~Tacitus

Determine your desires for safety. What is holding you back from what you really want to do? What makes you think twice about pursuing things on your “bucket,” “to-do,” or “wish” list?
Why do you even have a list at all?

Write about discarding those desires for safety. What is possible for you, right now, if you stopped holding back? Smash 365

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be safe is one of my greatest desires. Safe from the pain of the world. Safe from the daggers it throws, piercing through me. I remember telling Jigger when we first met that I just wanted to feel "safe". However I very rarely ever do anything that is "safe".

I have flown to the other side of the globe to a country where I knew no one. Didn't speak the language. Didn't have a job or place to live with only $500 in my pocket and no clue what I would do if things didn't work out. I tend to find safety in chaos. In pushing to the edge and then jumping beyond. There is a twisted comfort in the unknown. If I hadn't worked things out, then I would probably be dead so maybe that is my safety net. Pushing so far that if it doesn't work then I won't be around to know.

I wonder where I would be if I had played it safe. Stuck in a hicktown never knowing there is vast expanse of land beyond my little bubble. I have experienced so much and learned so many things I would have never done if I had been "safe". Yet I crave "safe".  Then when I get it I feel bored and push it away. Prefering the uncertainty of unknowing over the mundane comfort of every day living.

I have had moments where I have pushed too far though. Where I have almost broken myself. Yet I somehow manage to pull myself back in  before I completely fall over the edge.. At the moment, the only thing holding me back from doing what I really want to do and the only thing in my entire life that has ever held me back is finances. I dream big. I don't worry about the consequences. If I had the money, then there is no telling what I would have done by now. I always wondered why I never can manage to get ahead financially now I think maybe that is a good thing. Because it is the only thing that keeps me from completely jumping off the cliff.

So I guess for me being "safe" is being different. Pushing against the stream. Not being another faceless entity. Although sometimes I think boring would be good, and then the moment passes and I start  trudging ahead again. The world be damned. It's my way or the highway.

Folks Crazier Than Me

So the other day I was feeling all whispery and shit and sent some stuff to Indie Ink and what do you know they published it. So if you didn't read it before go read it again before they realize what a crazy ass idea it was and come back to their senses.

Different Parts of Me

* stupid blogger was scheduled to post this yesterday and didn't although I don't know why I am surprised it's not as if blogger does anything that I actually want it to anyways.

Never More

Things are never simple. Or easy.  I guess that's what makes them worthwhile but honestly at the moment I would settle for dull if it came wrapped in simple. At times my brain spins so fast the world seems to unravel in  front of me. I reach out and try to catch it but it just slips through my fingers. So fast. So elusive. Almost there but not quite. Today I am feeling very hurt and  disappointed and tired. Mostly just tired though..Tired of the bullshit..Tired of the childishness.

Maybe fed up is a better word.Yes. Fed up.

I've had my share and I am done. I don't want anymore thank you. Can I please be excused?

I am starting to lose my will to fight. And that scares me. I don't want to be stuck in content and settlement. That this is all there is. All there ever will be. Nothing more. Just what is. I try  to imagine a world of tomorrows but instead all I can find are nevermore's in a land of forgottenness I no longer can roam. I am stumbling.I don't want to fall again.

I am more than the names you call me. I won't allow another's words to define me ever again. Never again will I see myself through the looking glass. Never more. Never again.

I am more.

Different Parts of Me

A part of me wants to RUN AWAY...
to hide from all that is and all that will be
to forget that any and all things exist
to just disappear

A part of me wants to REMAIN...
safe in the comfort of now
sure in the uncertainty of tomorrow
lost in the space that is between

A part of me HIDES...
whenever you exhale
when the world becomes dark
when the light ceases to radiate

A part of me DIES..
with each unfulfilled breath
with each moment of could be that isn't and never will be
with each moon passing

A part of me is SILENT...
whispering only to itself
songs of nothingness, emptiness
longings and dreams unexperienced untouched

A part of me SCREAMS...
to unhearing ears
unbelieving words strung together
ceaselessly in unison they deny

A part of me wants to curl inside of you..
to become you....
to be lost in the expanse that is you....
far from the world..
far from the nothing that is and never was and never will be...
far from preying eyes, ravaging tongues, searching hands...
deep within

Encompassed.

Tantrums, Bodily Fluids, and a Saint

You may or may not have noticed my absence from the blogsphere. I would love to say that I had been carted away to a desert island and had been sitting on a beach looking at the ocean while sipping a drink from a fruit with an umbrella. Unfortunately the only part about that which is right is the desert part. I have been spewing bodily fluids from every orifice in the human body for the last 7 days and a few that I didn't even KNOW I had. It's been rough. And hot which is what caused the said spewage. I hate hot.

When I am sick, I become like that little kid lying on the Wal-Mart floor kicking and screaming because they can't have candy, toys, everything within their site and every other parent is silently thanking god that is NOT their shrieking harpee lying on the floor. You know the one. That is what I become. I can do pain. Something breaks. Duct tape and super glue I am there. Something falls off. Needle and thread I am there. But vomiting makes me become this whiny sniveling I want it NOW brat and Jigger deserves SAINTHOOD people.

Seriously, not only does he put up with my insanity, but these last seven days he has cleaned me when I was practicing for the world championships in projectile vomiting. He has held my hair as I continued to practice. He has gone to the store for juice and upon returning immediately had to go back to said store because he got Red Grape Juice instead of Apple Juice even though I didn't tell him I WANTED apple I just said juice  and whenever I ask for juice it means red grape which is why he bought red grape because seriously I would murder you if I catch you drinking my red grape juice it's that fucking good.

And then when he was sleeping and I would rise from unconsciousness and want a drink so that I had something to practice with, I would wake him. Yes people I would wake his ass up and tell him to bring me some juice from the fridge. And he would.

Without a huff. Without a moan. Without a sigh.

He would get up from a deep sleep, bring me a glass of juice which I would drink about a sip from and then return it to the fridge. I am seriously spoiled. You do not even understand how much.

So that is where I have been. I am feeling better but not back. I haven't read any blogs. I will. Eventually. Maybe. Who the fuck am I kidding I don't read blogs. Well except for one or two and you all know who you are and since you're probably the only ones reading this anyways you already know all of this so whatev.

Our regularly scheduled programming will return shortly.