Yesterday I wrote about the last time I saw my mother and basically my family. You can read that post HERE if you want.
I was extremely shocked by the amount of emotion I felt as I wrote that post. It is very raw and I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel the anger and hurt. I allowed that little girl inside of me to cry because she needed validation. I allowed her to be angry for not being protected, for not being loved the way she should have been. I allowed her to have her moment.
I think that is very important for me. For a very long time I didn't allow that little girl to feel. I didn't allow her to be angry at those who had hurt her. That caused her to become angry with me. She turned her anger on me. Instead of cutting them, she cut me. Instead of hating them, she hated me.
That is why I allowed her to be pissed yesterday when I wrote that post. She has a right to be pissed. What happened to her was fucked up no matter how you look at it, but in the comments Natasha pointed something out. That my mother had to be in pain also because otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did.
In some ways, I agree with that statement. It is not an excuse for her wrong behavior. It does not mean I don't have a right to be angry with what happened, but it's an explanation.
After getting through the emotion and being able to look at it objectively, I can see that is WHY. Without realizing it, I have always had the answer, but I just couldn't see it because I choose to be numb and not feel.
Because I never allowed myself to feel I could never work through the pain to find the answers even though they were staring me in the face this whole time. I think it is important I continue to allow myself to have those moments and then let them go.
I am no angel either. I have done things especially with my own children that I am not proud of, but my actions were a direct result of my illness. I am not making excuses. Being crazy does not justify and make it ok to do something wrong, but I know that if I wasn't crazy, then I would not have done the things I did. That is why I am not a bad person.
Am I a person who did wrong? Absolutely.
Am I a person who made mistakes? Absolutely.
Am I trying to take responsibility for my mistakes and become better? Absolutely.
Am I evil? Absolutely not.
A ten year old who commits murder is not the same as a 30 year old who commits murder. Should the ten year old be punished and held accountable? Yes. The same as a 30 year old? Absolutely not. At least that is my opinion. You may not agree and that is ok, but I don't think they are the same. A man who steals to provide food for his starving child is not the same as a man who is rich and steals to pass the time.
It's important family and friends disassociate the behavior from the person. Not excuse it, but try to understand that I don't want to do the things I am doing. There is a little voice inside my head screaming "WTF?! STOP!" but it's like my body isn't connected to my brain. The best way I can describe it is like being on a roller coaster. You're standing in line, adrenaline pumping, you get strapped in, the ride starts moving, slowly you're going up and your brain is screaming "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE", but you're already strapped in and half way up the incline. Now all you can do is scream like a banshee until the ride stops, then get off and pray you don't puke on your brand new shoes.
This is what it's like in my bipolar brain. I do stuff. Stupid crazy insane shit that makes no fucking sense. Shit that goes against every single thing I believe in. I don't know why I do it. I don't want to do it, but I do it none the less.
If one day my kids ask me, WHY?!
All I can do is answer them honestly, "I have no fucking clue, but I am so sorry that my actions hurt you."
That is what makes me human and NOT a monster.
"if I could start again; a million miles away
I would keep myself; I would find a way"
"hurt- nine inch nails"
5 comments:
Oh indeed. Yes. I probably don't even need to type anything in this sad, empty white box, do I? The needle tears a hole. that old familiar sting....
Recognizing your actions, even if you can't stop them in the moment, is really an accomplishment. So many people walk around blind to what they do. In seeing what is going on perhaps you can prepare for it, recognize when you're feeling something, and work to act in a more productive, or at least, less hurtful manner. Be mindful. That you care, and letting them know you care, is wonderful.
Aimee, it's always something to do if you feel bored lol
Haven, you're absolutely right. That is why I started this blog. As a way to help me sort through my actions a bit better. I have also found that by writing about it here I am able to have a bit more control and stop myself BEFORE I go too far. It's taken me many many years to get here. I have alot to make up for.
Good for you M. I used to have an eating disorder, and I feared any food on my plate. The fear was that I would lose control and eat EVERYTHING. Back then, it was all or nothing. If I ate one brownie, I was doomed to eat the whole pan. Someone in my group helped me so much one night. We were on the phone and I was freaking out and crying over a COOKIE! Our realtor had sent us a cookie bouquet to congratulate us on buying, and I wanted one SO MUCH, but I was afraid I'd get fat if I ate it, cuz then I'd eat them all. She asked me about my relationship with my dad and I told her I was always waiting for the other shoe to fall around him. I never knew when punishment was coming my way, so if the wait got too long, I'd fuck up on purpose so he'd HAVE to give me a punishment. In my mind the wait was over. When the other shoe didn't drop, I threw it. You don't have to be all-or-nothing-girl, there is an in-between. Just because I start eating doesn't mean I have to eat it all, and just because you get the razor out, that doesn't mean you have to cut. There are a million stopping places in every choice we make.
Yvonne, I am the same way. I don't wait for the shit to hit the fan. I throw it. It's just easier than being in that state of constant panic and fear. Waiting for it to happen. But that is why I am writing all of this. Even though most of it probably makes little sense to most people. Then maybe those who have loved ones with bipolar or any disorder really might start to understand the illogical thinking that we do.
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