We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 23 March 2011


Why is it we ,or well me I guess I should say, crave toxicity? When my world is settled, why do I crave jumping off a cliff? I think about some of the things I did in my past and even though they caused me such terrible pain and loss, I miss it. I miss the excitement, the fast pace, the adrenaline rush. Sneaking around, trying not to get caught. Being quiet when a certain number appears on the caller ID.

The rush. The power. I LOVED it as much as I HATED it. There are times I find myself looking up old pics on the net. Remembering what I did there. Being a part of it all. There is a small part of me that longs for that. Yet I know none of it was real. It was poison, but I crave it.

Sometimes Jigger notices. The sparkle in my eye when I talk about certain things or see an old photo. It hurts him so. Makes him feel inadequate. He can't understand why I still have a longing for that life. I don't understand why I still do. He takes it personal and it isn't. It has nothing to do with him. I am not unhappy and truth be told I would never leave my world now to return to that life.

But yet there was something powerful and magical about being out in the desert late at night. The roar in my ears. The smell of burnt rubber. Why can't I just be fucking normal? Sigh.

I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxic?

"toxic-britney spears"


Sapphire Dragonflies said...

Please, don't be normal. Normal is boring...

AbsolutelyPrimed said...

To echo Sapphire, normalcy is way overrated.Toxicity is the shit...I was in Roller Derby for awhile and my derby name was triXXie toXic as I like to think I'm toxic to stupidity.

You just have to find that fine line...you can bring excitement & adrenaline back just in different ways.

Aimee said...

I was thinking today. Making the bed, folding clothes, starting dinner. I was thinking, I wonder what it would be like if I stopped taking those damnable pills? I thought, is it blunting my feelings? Is it forcing me to fit in a hole that is too small for me, and forcing me to be comfortable in it? If I stop, will I catch on fire again? If I stop, will I die? I wonder if I've sunk into comfort for the sake of comfort. If I am shunning danger because I just assume it's toxic. Maybe I'll go put another diamond stud or hoop in my face. Build something with a big hammer. Or tear something down. Or set my hair on fire. Or take another pill and fold another shirt.

Maasiyat said...

Aimee, I don't know how you do it but you always do. we both know we will take the pill and fold another shirt. It's not about excitement or adrenaline. Trust me my life does not lack excitment or adrenaline. It's something I can't put into words.

Haven said...

Oh my. I understand this completely. I would go numb forever and it was the loneliest I've ever been. In that place I was destructive. I'd involve myself in situations, with people, that would be really horrible for me, but I would FEEL, be alive. It wasn't the badness that I craved, it was that sense of really living because my emotions were so stimulated.

btw, following! I like your blog a lot.

Maasiyat said...

it was that sense of really living because my emotions were so stimulated

That is it exactly Haven. Thanks for following. Us crazy got to stick together. One day we will rule the world.


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