Because I don't NEED You

For as long as I can remember that is what I told myself when others didn't want me. When others hurt me. When others left. It was ok because I didn't need you. It took away the pain. Made me hard. Strong. Numb. I was about 10 or 11 when I perfected this statement.  Mum was back for a few weeks. She had decided she was bored with whatever she was playing with so I was a distraction until something else shiny came along. Only this time I didn't want to play. I was done. I knew how it would end. I was no longer fooled by her false love. Her conditional love. I didn't want it and I didn't want to play.

I am amazing at one line comebacks. I have a mouth that will make a sailor blush. Once when I was in my 20's, a guy tried for an hour to get one over on me. Finally he gave up. I made him buy me dinner. He did. But when you're 10-11, you don't have the same power as when you're 20ish. So when my mum told me to do something and I smarted off, she had the power.

"Go and get a switch young lady I am bustin' your ass!"

She always made me get my own switch whenever she whipped me. If I got a small one, then I got 10 extra licks, but that day I was going to show her because I didn't need her. I got the smallest tiniest branch I could find and with a wicked ass smile that said "Game on bitch" I walked right back up to her and said "Here ya go".

She told me to go and get another one, but I told her if she was going to bust my ass, then she was going to have to work for it. She got the best switch she could find. Stripped all the leaves off except for the tip end. Makes it hurt more if you do that. Standing there under the oak trees that I climbed with my imaginary friends she began to whip me, and I realized I don't need you.

With defiance, I stood, arms folded, looking straight at her. I was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry, but she just kept hitting and hitting. I didn't make a sound as tears fell from my eyes. When that switch broke, she got another one. The backs of my legs covered in blood and swollen red welts, but she didn't care. She was going to teach me a lesson, but I taught her one that day. After 5 mins and I still was standing there, refusing to give in, refusing to apologize, refusing to bend to her will, my Gramps and Uncle Bo came and grabbed her. "That's enough", was all they said.

Gran came and put her arms around me. That is when my body started to shake. My legs felt like jelly. I could barely stand but I be damned if I gave her the satisfaction of seeing me fall. Leaning against my Gran I went to the side of the house. Got cleaned up. "Go lie down on my bed and I will put my medicine on those welts," Gran said.

I didn't go to school for a week.  I didn't wear shorts. No one asked why.

While I had started building a wall around me many years ago, from that day forward I sealed it shut. I kept people at arms length because I realized I didn't need them. People hurt you especially those that said they loved you. If that is what "love" is, then I didn't want any of it. Don't love me. Stay the fuck away from me because I don't need you.

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight