For the last two days, I've been battling the inner me. The me that worries and overreacts. The me that panics and freaks out if someone doesn't reply immediately. The me that fears rejection and will do anything to please you. The me that hates the me that will do anything to please you.
There are a lot of me's.
I've started my own business which is good and bad. Good because it helps me to be independent and work from home. Bad because I suck at dealing with people. I don't understand them. I don't know what their actions and words truly mean. These last two days I've battling the me that wanted to email contracted clients because they have been distant lately.
I have been listening to the me that worries if it is because they are unhappy with me, if they are planning on leaving me, sneaking off in the night to find another partner. The 1.5% of my brain that is capable of having rational thoughts keeps telling me that all of these thoughts are untrue. That I haven't done anything wrong. That they are happy with me. These 2.3 brain cells that understand my clients are in between projects and on a mini vacation visiting their family back in their original homestate realize everything is ok and I just need to chill, but the other 4537829 parts of my inner being are totally freaking out.
Those few rational brain cells are screaming at me to not do something stupid. There was a time not long ago I would have never listened to them. I would have gone sniveling and snotting to ask what had I done wrong, why was there this distance between us that wasn't there before. What did it mean? Were they leaving me? I've kept busy. Kept my hands busy. My mind busy. Even if the busy was watching pointless reality tv shows. It kept me from emailing and that was the end goal.
Not doing something stupid. Not creating that thing which I fear most. I need that constant physical connection. I don't trust it's still there if I am not physically "touching" them. Since they are oceans away, my physical touch is email. When I don't hear from them, I panic. I know on some level things are ok but on other levels it is hard to believe. Even with Jigger, I cannot sleep unless I am physically touching him. Reassuring the inner me's that he really is there. It doesn't matter how late or little I've slept. Within 5 mins of Jigger getting up, I instantly become awake. The emptiness beside me is like a screaming banshee forcing me to awaken. If he takes too long in the shower I can feel the panic creeping in. I hate being this way. I can hide it to some extent but when it begins to overwhelm I need to reach out. Luckily for me my clients emailed me today to tell me a joke. It calmed me. Reassured me of their presence. They hadn't disappeared. They were still there.
Still connected to me.
So far it seems to be working. I just hope it keeps on.