Nothingness

Creating and discovering spirit guides to accompany you on the journey can help you tap into your own strength and courage. The spirit guide is a personification of those forces inside you that enable you to face the murky depths of your subconscious and create from them. The guide can be invoked every time you sit down to write — or only when you find the going particularly rough. The guide may be nothing more than an image in your mind, but giving it physical form can add to its potency.

When we make the decision to write about subjects that are more difficult than others to explore, the support we need can often be found within. What spirit guides do you have within yourself that support you when writing about these difficult themes? What can you do to summon them more quickly when writing to provide strength and courage?

I haven't written in a long time. Not really written. I miss being able to. I miss searching for words to put on paper (or screen) what it is that is flowing through me. I miss the escape that writing brings for me. I have somehow lost myself over the last few weeks. I have turned deep within myself and can't seem to find my way out. I feel myself starting to break down. Slowly. One piece at a time. I feel the pieces as they break away and fly off into the wind. The strange thing is as each piece breaks, the pain becomes  less. It makes me want to let go. It makes me believe if I release my grip then it'll all be ok except it won't be ok. I just won't be aware of the chaos swirling about me. 

I'm struggling. Holding onto reality by the tips of my fingers. Last night I think Jigger realized it. He realized for the first time just how fragile my mind can be. I put on such a strong front. I have built a very strong wall around me. From the outside I appear normal, stable, functioning, but from the inside I am rotted, withering, and in disrepair. Last night he saw the rot. He saw the damaged parts of me I don't let him see. Except last night I couldn't hold the wall up. I couldn't fight anymore. The fight has gone out of me. I'm weak. Tired. 

I use to feel something within me. Something that pushed me forward. Something that made me push through the turmoil and chaos, but now I feel emptiness. Nothingness. I am starting to become resigned to my fate. I feel myself ready to just fall backwards into the abyss. I balance on the edge. I can feel the dirt smooshed between my toes as I grip the edge. Teetering. 

Last night I almost fell in, but Jigger caught me right before I lost my grip. Today it was Sam's turn to catch me before I fell, but I wonder how many times will they be there to catch me? How many more times before I fall? How many more times before the vortex consumes me entirely? How many more times before I crumble? 

My body aches. Physically aches from the pain within. I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I want to escape the pain that is bubbling in my chest. I want to be the nothingness.