I've been in a funk the last few weeks. Sometimes up. Sometimes down. Sometimes so angry I want to strangle the heads off chickens, and sometimes I couldn't give a flying monkey fuck if the sky fell. While my emotional state is in constant flux, I'm not an evil person, and when I look around at the things that people do I truly wonder is it me that is crazy?
I mean I don't intentionally harm others. I go out of my way to help others to the point of being detrimental to my own well being. I don't feel entitled to things. Even though I was raised very poor, as an adult I never sat around on my ass, collecting welfare/benefits, and popping out little hooligans once a year. At 20, I actually went to my doc and said seal the hole I don't want nothing else popping out of there because apparently birth control did not work on me which is why I have two children that are barely one year apart. I knew I wasn't capable of raising more so I plugged that hole up for good. If I have and you come to me, I'll glad share whatever I have however little it may be. I'm understanding and appreciative of the different cultures, ethnicities, and people around the world. I love to learn and experience things I've never seen or tasted or touched or heard before.
Yet I'm crazy. And the world that is rioting, looting, killing, intolerant, prejudice, ignorant, unwilling to learn or accept the differences of others. That is sane. I just don't get it. It makes no sense to me.
In my everyday existance, I'm often ignored, forgotten, overlooked, not included and basically unless it's time for me to give the household allowance I pretty much cease to exist. Because I don't force myself or my wants/desires/needs on others, then people tend to not care if I'm ok or if something has happened to me, but yet I'm the crazy one and they are all sane.
Since I've started blogging I've met such wonderful people. People who miss my presence when it's absent, do the smallest thing of sending emails/comments/tweets/messages to see if I'm ok, or just to say they were thinking of me. It's the oddest thing to me. As a child I use to get locked out of the house at night because I would be sitting outside under the trees and no one ever even noticed that I wasn't in the house yet people online notice and it's very odd. I don't know how to respond or how to feel. I don't know what my reaction to them should be. At times I feel obligated and at other times I feel overwhelmed at their care. And of course there is the paranoid side of me that thinks, what do they want, what is their true intention, are they trying to trick me, harm me, hurt me?
But the strangest thing of all is that every single person online who remembers me, who checks on me, who shows genuine concern for me is also crazy.
Though their label might be BPD or anxiety or insert label here, but every single one of them falls into the category of crazy/disordered/insane/insert other stigma word here. The people I interact with online who are NOT crazy/disordered/insane/insert other stigma word here never notice when I'm gone. Never email or comment to offer a kind word of encouragement, support. Now I'm not saying all non disordered/non crazy people are like this, but so far my experiences with them is not very good.
And it makes me wonder am I really the crazy one?