We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Tears, Tea, and POW's

Every night 11 pm my in laws go to sleep. Every night at 11:15 pm I go to the kitchen and make tea for Jigger and me. It doesn't matter what day of week it is or month of the year. Every night the same routine occurs except for last night. Last night as I leaned against the sink waiting for the tea to boil, suddenly and without warning, a tear slid down my cheek. 

I hadn't realized the thoughts in my head were so close to the surface. As I stood there, thinking. Thinking how I hate my life, how I want so desperately for it to be different. I realized I'm not even in survival mode anymore. I've gone completely into POW mode. I'm just trying to make the best of my situation until I can escape. Every free moment, every moment I can catch alone, I allow the thoughts of escape to enter my mind. I plan what I'll do my first day out. What I'll eat, where I'll go, what I'll wear. 

I feel so controlled, so helpless, so whiny. All I can do is propel myself forward and wait. Wait for the day when I don't have to bend to the will of another. The day when I don't feel hunger, when I can go to the store freely for the things I NEED, not WANT, but NEED. You know little things like tampons. I'm so high maintenance. I just want to be able to feel the sun on my skin again. To feel the breeze upon my face. To close my eyes and be encompassed by the wetness of the rain. 

I just want to be free.

1 comment:

Miss Rosie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind most of the time, not to mention one in my own home. I'm free to go and do as I please, but I usually have a backlash of a million questions to answer before and after. I have this bitterness that no matter what I do I just can’t shake.
Stopped taking my meds for a few days to see if that would help and all it did was send me in a complete downward spiral and put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I thought if I was released from the meds maybe I could move forward and feel more normal for a day or two. Not possible. I felt more in pain and trapped than I have ever in my life.


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