We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Be the Pan and Crow

Yesterday's events just make me realize how grown up I have to be. Three days ago Jigger and I had some issues, but the second his phone rang I let go. They ceased to exist. His need for me was/is more important than my need of being right. It reminds me of how "grown up" I have to be. How the world sits on my shoulders, a female Atlas. I look at others and I long for their freedom. I long to be selfish. I long to put my needs before others. 

I look at them in awe and wonder how they do it. My BIL has sat here for almost 4 years without working. Never once did it ever cross his mind that he needs to do something. He feels no shame for sitting while others work 18 hr days, seven days a week. He feels no shame when he buys new clothes while others are torn and stitched together. How do people do that? Sometimes I want to be like that.

To be able to just take all that is mine and feel no guilt. No burden in existing. No thought of what I might be placing upon another. No worry or fear that my taking means someone else might do without. To just be so effortlessly. I long for that. 

I don't know  what that feels like. Not even as a child. The peace of our house rested upon my shoulders. I could never just be. Could never just spin in circles and then fall dizzy to the ground. Could never close my eyes and just run through the breeze. Could never just breathe. Responsibility is something I seem to have been born with. While I am responsible, I am also resentful in many ways. I resent my BIL's ability to sit and not worry that I have to work so hard to support HIS family. I resent it when I'm asked if I want something and I say no and they don't realize that I really do WANT it but I'm too shy to say "yes". Too fearful of rejection. Too afraid of disappointing. Of becoming a burden. Too worried about hurting someone or making them feel the way I feel inside. 

Then I think of  my children. Of the reasons of the distance separating us. I become angry. Angry at those who so easily cast me aside and brand a letter upon me. Yet they never look in the mirror to see their own brand. I get angry at myself for remaining silent in the wake of their accusations. For not defending myself. For not exposing their own decay. For being a helper of theirs in hiding the rot they carry within them. By allowing them to declare the rot that is theirs to be mine. I become enraged at myself that I am unable to break this cycle. Unable to speak what is inside of me. Unable to be hurtful and vengeful even if it means I am the loser. 

If I can't even defend myself, then how can I expect anyone else to? When I'm unwilling or unable to speak up for my own basic needs. NEEDS. Not WANTS. There's a difference. So if I can't fulfill my own needs then why am I so surprised when others don't either? After all these years I still am shocked when I'm forgotten. Overlooked. Ignored. I don't know why it still surprises me so. I should be use to it by now but somehow each time is like the first. I seem to forget all the times before. I don' t know why. 

Maybe it's because I really do believe in fairies.


Kristy said...

I really don't have any words of wisdom. I have been going through tremedious grief this year. It is nice you want to be Jiggers rock but you also need someone yourself. You both need each other. Really, wishing you both some peace of mind in this terrible time.

Maasiyat said...

Kristy, thanks, but as they say you don't always get what you want or need so I learned a long time ago to put my wants/needs aside. I'm my own rock.


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