We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Not June Cleaver

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Jigger and I will have been married four years. It doesn't seem that long and at times it seems even longer. In true us fashion, we had a major argument today. Seems only fitting since it's been about two weeks since the last one. We were overdue. Today's argument, like most of our arguments, started over food and the fact that I don't eat it. I know how hurt and upset it makes Jigger and even as he was sitting there I could see the pain and hurt in his eyes, but I could NOT put the food in my mouth. Even though a part of me wanted to for him. A part of me wanted nothing more than to just be normal and able to pick up the food and eat it like normal people do, but I'm not normal. The normal brain cells are way outnumbered by the crazy ones and like usual the crazy ones overruled in this case and the food sat in front of me untouched. 

I hate being this way. I hate being unable to just be like everyone else seems to be able to do. I hate causing Jigger pain. I hate that I'm so fucked up and broken. During these times, I so wish everything would end. Don't take that the wrong way I'm not suicidal and don't have suicidal thoughts, but there is  not a day that goes by that I don't wish it were my last. There is not a breath that escapes my body where I don't pray that another doesn't follow it. I so wish for this existence to end. I'm so very tired.

2 comments:

Aimee said...

Oh boy. You and I are just. Well. you know.

Those thoughts. Almost word for word. Have spent far too much time rattling around in my noggin today. I am angry. With myself. For being so fucking weak. Never again.

Maasiyat said...

Love you. Sometimes anger is the only fuel we have. Blah stupid noggin

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