We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Well Trained

I married my first husband when I was 16. I was about 21-22 before I realized the "love" we shared was more that of master and servant than husband and wife. I would be 26 when I told him to fuck off for the last time and divorced his ass.  However today there are still signs of my training. Signs that I never notice. Signs that I can't break even if I wanted to. They have become a part of me and will probably remain with me until I turn to dust. They are who I am and are unchangeable. 

They become most noticeable when my husband asks for a cup of tea. He doesn't like the cup to be filled to the top, but my training DEMANDS the hot liquid be level with the top of the cup. The slightest of a fraction below is an insult to the person I hand the cup to. Even though I know my current husband PREFERS to not have his cup full, he never yells. He simply accepts the cup, says thank you and drinks. Occasionally he will simply say "make it just a half cup this time please" but it's only on rare occasions and he knows he won't get a half cup, but he asks anyways. Because maybe that time I'll be able to give him the half cup he has asked for. Except it's never half full. Although I have gotten slightly better. Now it will be slightly not to the top but not quite half way. It's taken me four years to get to the point where I can do that without my throat closing in panic or my hands shaking because "I made the tea wrong". 

I don't know if I'll ever break my training. I don't know if it'll ever leave me. I was very young when it started and it has wrapped itself around me in ways I don't even realize. There are aspects of it I love and don't want to change, but even though I like the action, it still makes me shiver whenever I realize the reason WHY I MUST perform it. It isn't my love for it that drives me. It is the training.


aizen999 said...

woah it seems your scars go deep..
a marriage with (i pressume) a malignant narcissist is always a traymatic experience...have you talked to a professional about your ordeal?it might help..

Haven said...

::sigh:: I have many habits like this as well. I've been able to break myself of a lot of them, but the thoughts are still there, compelling me to act.

Slowly, slowly. I wish there was some way to prove that the world won't come crashing down around you if you make one small variation. Just saying it's so is never enough.

Sapphire Dragonflies said...

You know, 12 years post Michael, I still make sure I know where he is at all times. I still repeatedly lock doors when I'm home alone and won't let my big scary dog out of my sight. Sometimes, when my husband, who is the sweetest man on earth, moves too fast, I still flinch. I often wonder if it ever goes away.

Maasiyat said...

SD, I don't think it ever does. At least not completely. I believe a part of it always remains even if hidden it's still always there.

Bizzle said...

I have a similar past. I still have a few hang ups along the same way as you state in this blog. Like asking to be able to use the bathroom, or flinching if I mess up something that my partner has asked me.

We all strive to be a better person, but little traits are hard to shift especially when they are aquired at a young age. :)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...