We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Lustful Addictions

Back in the day when I was lost in the vortex that is my insanity, I longed to be "consumed". I wanted to become so lost inside someone and have them be so lost in me that nothing outside of us existed. It was this thought process and this longing that lead me down the road which ended in a total break from reality. There is a part of me that still longs for this though. 

A little tiny part tucked back into the corner. It occasionally peeks his head out and tickles my insides so I remember he's there. A part of me would give anything to be just someone's everything. To be the air that swims through their lungs, the blood that courses through their veins, the beat of the drum within their chest. 

Another part of me has given up on ever having that. My husband loves me, worships me in ways I've never been loved/worshipped/desired, but even with all of his love poured into me, it still is not all consuming.  The part of me that contains the few normal brain cells realizes having what I have with him is worth more than the few moments of time I might have being consumed, but another part of me, a part that lives fully within the insanity longs for the consumption. Longs for the brief moments of time where I become consumed by another and I have to remember to push that part of me down and lock it away. Otherwise I'd lose everything.

I've been on the other side before and I've come to realize I'd rather be empty is consumed.

This spat was inspired by Haven and her Quotes from the Borderline


The Girl From Back Then said...

I think I know exactly what you mean. The damage comes most when you think you can have it, and will try almost anything in the pursuit.

Deus Ex Machina said...

Sigh..... yes. Nodding. Smiling. I know.


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