Back in the day when I was lost in the vortex that is my insanity, I longed to be "consumed". I wanted to become so lost inside someone and have them be so lost in me that nothing outside of us existed. It was this thought process and this longing that lead me down the road which ended in a total break from reality. There is a part of me that still longs for this though.
A little tiny part tucked back into the corner. It occasionally peeks his head out and tickles my insides so I remember he's there. A part of me would give anything to be just someone's everything. To be the air that swims through their lungs, the blood that courses through their veins, the beat of the drum within their chest.
Another part of me has given up on ever having that. My husband loves me, worships me in ways I've never been loved/worshipped/desired, but even with all of his love poured into me, it still is not all consuming. The part of me that contains the few normal brain cells realizes having what I have with him is worth more than the few moments of time I might have being consumed, but another part of me, a part that lives fully within the insanity longs for the consumption. Longs for the brief moments of time where I become consumed by another and I have to remember to push that part of me down and lock it away. Otherwise I'd lose everything.
I've been on the other side before and I've come to realize I'd rather be empty is consumed.
This spat was inspired by Haven and her Quotes from the Borderline