I do not fit in is an understatement. There is an image or stereotype of who I should be, but I don't fit that image. Is it possible to be able to make a sailor blush and not be evil? Is it possible to like music and not be the spawn of satan? I don't know the answers to these questions. I know the things I believe in say it's possible. I try to force myself into that little circle that I am suppose to but no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to fit. Every time I fail to push myself inside I hate myself just a little more. Criticize myself just a little harder. Berate myself just a little longer. Cut myself just a little deeper. Hate myself just a little stronger.
I have to be all of the things I am not and it has always ended up badly. I tried being good but that didn't work. I tried being bad but that didn't work. I can't be me because I don't know who I am. Searching for a place of belonging but when you don't know yourself, how do you even know where to search? When you so deseparately long to just belong somewhere anywhere, you start to see a place for yourself in every place you look. Even though that place isn't real. Then you force yourself into that image and people like you. Love you until they realize the true you. Then they hate you despise you.
I was lucky. I found someone who didn't want all of the bullshit. Who just wanted the pure truth regardless of how awful that truth might be. I was so afraid of what would happen that no matter how hard I tried to be truthful I just couldn't be. Then that caused war. Which only confirmed my suspicions that if he found out the truth he would leave me. This is only half of the truth and he gets so upset by it. How would he react if he knew the whole truth?
What my messed up mind couldn't understand wasn't that he was upset over what he found out. He was upset that I hadn't told the truth. It took a long time for me to figure that out. A long time for me to be able to trust him with the truth. With all of my evilness and ugliness and dark secrets. There are still secrets though. Things I can't make him understand. Things that he may never understand, but it's because he has never worn my shoes. Never known anyone who did. I don't blame him for not being able to do everything. I use to blame him but not anymore. I have come to realize that no one person knows everything. He did all of the things he knew to do and he gave me a piece of a beautiful treasure and it's up to me to find the other half.
I don't know that I will ever truly a find a place that I belong, but for now I have found a peace I never knew before. A place where I can just be. A place that is just for me.
3 comments:
You belong Here.
Who can truly understand the mind of another?
Last night I was talking to myself in the shower, just talking. My oldest said "Dad? Who is in there with you?"
"No body Honey, Just me"
"Then what are you talking about?"
"I dont know, I never pay attention" :)
Perhaps I should
Understanding youself, thus knowing who and what you are is more powerful than anything, except love.
I have lived with social anxiety disorder for twenty years. Mental illness is the same as cancer, alcoholism, or tourettes. It is not weakness.
Accept yourself and everything and everyone else will follow.
good blog
Lance, thank you. I think I am more in a place where I am trying to "find" me so that I can "accept" me. After you lie to yourself for so long, you start to believe the lies. When your reality is already a little off center, it makes getting back a bit more difficult.
Tom, the first time you told me that I laughed. The second time I thought "didn't he say that before". The third time I realized, "he really doesn't pay attention".
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