This post is a bit of a ramble. I just needed to work this out and the only way was to "talk" it out with myself. If I keep the thoughts jumbled in my brain, they just stay jumbled. The picture never becomes clear. By slowly pulling each piece out and putting it into place only then can I see what it is my brain is trying to tell me. However, if you continue forward, you do so at your own risk. Don't say you weren't warned.
I wrote a post the other day about being TOXIC. I have had a lot of thoughts arise from the comments that I received. Those comments helped me to start to see things a bit more clearly.
You see struggling to fit in. To be "normal". It is tiring. Exhausting. For every step forward there are 10 back. For every achievement there is a sacrifice. After fighting for so long sometimes you just think "Is it really all worth it?"
I wrote a post the other day about being TOXIC. I have had a lot of thoughts arise from the comments that I received. Those comments helped me to start to see things a bit more clearly.
You see struggling to fit in. To be "normal". It is tiring. Exhausting. For every step forward there are 10 back. For every achievement there is a sacrifice. After fighting for so long sometimes you just think "Is it really all worth it?"
I mean if I flip out again. Jump off the cliff. I won't know what the hell is going on around me. I won't feel it. It won't affect me, but it will affect all of those around me. Those who care for me. My love for my family and friends keeps me from jumping. At the moment, I am in "control", but I know that control can slip out my grasp at any moment. If I let my guard down for one second, then I will let go, but holding something that tightly for so long is tiresome.
It's a vicious circle. It doesn't end. It's not that my life is boring. It's just sometimes I don't want to have to "be on guard". The only way that I can "relax" is to "let go". That is what I desire. I don't think I even realized it until I read the comments on that post. That is when it clicked for me. When I realized that it isn't the TOXIC that I crave. It's the just EXISTING. There is a sort of freedom in that darkened haze that is extremely intoxicating. At the moment, I am stable enough to make the choice to not go back there because that "freedom" that exists there isn't really freedom. It is more of a prison than the "normal".
I see Jigger's family. His nieces, nephews. There is laughter. Love. Disagreements. Normal. I would give anything to be able to fit into that. I crave it so much, but no matter how hard I try I just can't. The closeness is suffocating. Every time I reach out and try to bring them close to me I start to feel claustrophobic. I can't breathe. I panic and pull away.
I live in limbo between normal and toxic. If I step into normal, then there are constant reminders that I am "different". It is in my face 24/7. If I step into toxic, then there is a time where I don't stand out, where I blend in. A moment where I am the "same". Even if that moment isn't real, it still exists. That is what I crave. That moment of just being without having to hold on. I guess there is still a part of me inside somewhere that still hasn't accepted that this is my life. For as long as I breathe, this is how it will be. Constantly alert. Aware. On guard. It's strange sitting here reading those words. There is that sense of calm that exists in the toxic. I think I might like it here in limbo after all.
I'm lost at sea Don't bother me
I've lost my way
I've lost my way
I've lost my way
I've lost my way
" in limbo - radiohead"
4 comments:
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, holding on. If it would be easier to let go, the rewards versus consequences. You know them from past experience, but past experience is not always indicative of future results, so says Wall Street. I will always wonder. Fingers get slippery with sweat, you know.
perfect lyric for what we have inside of us...
I also like Pink Floyd's Brain Damage - "there's something inside my head, but it's not me".
At least you own what you are. Knowing who and what you are scares people. Ina good way.
I'm really enjoying reading your stuff.
I let go. The tightly held me, I let him go and he ran way. I see him sometimes as a glimpse of what might have been.
He is still in my head. I still want nothing more than to run with him.
One day, I will.
Normals are Boring.
When I read your post, it was like you were inside my head. I know exactly how you feel. It is so true that trying to fit in, trying to be normal, is very tiring. I wonder many times whether it would be easier to just let go. I wonder if any of this is really worth it.
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