We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Elusive Masks

Anonymity is great. I could be Charles Manson for all you know. I'm not but I could be. Have come close on a few occasions but that's neither here nor there. Anonymity allows me a sort of freedom that I don't get in real life. In the last week I've done things most people only dream of. Or don't dream of because they consider it so far out of their reach that it is an impossibility. I'm feeling slightly proud of myself. Before this week, I hadn't really left a mark on the world. There was nothing I could point to and say "I did that." "That's all mine." Now I have something. No one will ever know it's me. No one well except for two people, but beyond those two, no one will ever know. 

And I kinda like that. It makes it more mine. It keeps the rot and decay that is associated with me far from it and I like its purity. I like how it sparkles. I like how people think it's special because I can then pretend that I'm special vicariously through the things I do. There is a narcissist inside of me that does want to lay claim to it. To stomp and shout and let people know that something of value can come out decay, but that part is quickly silenced. 

So I keep doing what I do and watch others put their name on it. And I'm ok with that. For now. But there's a part of me that I think some day will step forth and lay claim to what is mine. But I'm also certain when that day comes very few would believe a psycho gori ummati slut could ever be associated with such things as that. But at least I know.

4 comments:

Haven said...

Anonymity is a wonderful thing. I don't think I could do the kind of writing on my blog if it wasn't for a certain amount of anonymity.

Let yourself feel proud woman! You have so much beauty within you, don't devalue yourself. You don't have to think you're special vicariously. You couldn't have created someone so well received if that specialness didn't come from within. Own it.

Deus Ex Machina said...

Sigh... I need to put my name on something one of these days. Whether it be anonymously or otherwise. But for the record, YOU are a fucking powerhouse, woman. Really.

Maasiyat said...

You two are what make my days bright and shiny. I truly don't think I could manage.

And if I'm a powerhouse, it is only because I have a Sam who holds me up when I stumble, dusts off the dirt and carries me when I fall. If it were not for my Sam, I'd still be lost in the darkness.

Mia Tern said...

Good Morning Massiyat... I've been reading your blog for days now. Thank You for opening up and sharing yourself with us. My boyfriend has bipolar too and I long to understand how his brain works. You have helped me do this and that means your are also helping him. Thank You with all my heart.

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