We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Space Time Continuum

I very rarely know what the day and/or date is. Even when I know I dont really "know" what it is. I probably check the calendar on my computer 1000 times a day just to verify that it is still what day it was an hour ago and time hasn't suddenly altered course and somehow it was Tuesday at 2:00 pm but now at 3:00 pm it is  Friday. Time seems like a non reality to me. Like a moving object floating in front of me that is always just beyond my reach. I can't sleep without knowing what the time is either. I use my phone for a clock. I sleep with it beside my pillow. Where at any given moment I can reach out and feel its closeness. Having it there makes time "real" and less "changeable". I can hold time in the palm of my time and somehow keep it from "floating away". 

Sometimes though I forget to charge my phone and at some point during the day it will die and when it does I start to panic a little because I don't know what time it is. Of course I could look at my watch or the clock or my husband's phone or his watch, but those aren't real. Only the time on my phone is real and I won't be able to sleep until my phone is charged. Allowing it to charge while I sleep is also not an option. I will remain awake until it is charged and then put it back in its place beside my pillow. Only then will I even have the slightest of chances of falling back to sleep. Don't ask me why it is this way. It just is. 

I am not really sure why I feel all panicky about the time. I don't lose chunks of time but it's hard to explain the floating "time" that seems to exist outside of my head just beyond my reach. Why am I telling you this or what is the point of this post? Well I am not really sure except that I laid down about an hour and half ago and went to sleep. Then about 15 mins ago my phone died. I laid there for all of 5 mins trying to convince myself that nothing bad would happen if I went back to sleep without getting up to charge my phone, but I lost that argument so here I sit while my phone charges. Waiting for time to return within my grasp so that I can lay down and maybe sleep for more than an hour today. I wonder what that would be like. Sleeping for longer than an hour at a time. 

And you run and you run
To catch up with the sun
But it's sinking 

"time - pink floyd"


hed said...

I'm reading a book called "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon, and I seriously urge you to buy it because I know our brains kind of get in sync...just today I read this profound passage:

"I find the fact of the past, the reality of time's passage, incredibly difficult. My house is full of books I can't read and records to which I can't listen and photos at which I can't look at because they are too strongly associated with the past...

I was so happy then-not necessarily happier than I am now, but with a happiness that was particular and specific in its moods and that will never come again."

I don't know if this is something you experience, but it completely made sense to me.


Aimee said...

Just a thread from my brain here, nothing more. But, if I were to venture a guess, all of us have our thing. People like us, that is. That one thing you hold onto. Not necessarily control, but the illusion of it. If you hold onto it, keep it close, let it become you, then you're never out in the cold. So perhaps "time" isn't really the issue, but holding onto it is. Your security blanket. Just don't start sucking your thumb. I will make fun of you.

Haven said...

Oh my. Being a scientist/engineer I have a lot to say about time, but I don't think it would be helpful to you.

That said. I have issues with being late. And by 'issues' I mean I have complete panic attacks if there's even the prospect of not being somewhere on time. I think part of this is being afraid of disappointing other people and fearing that they'll be mad at me. I get upset if my phone dies, but I'm perfectly ok with having it on the charger at night. In fact, I almost feel better having it on the charger because I know for a fact that if it's charging the battery can't die, and there won't be a chance that I'll wake up when I need to.

Maasiyat said...

Well at least I don't wet the bed like some people. I won't mention names ahem Aimee ahem so yea I will definitely check out that book and don't even get me started about being late. I schedule posts just so they aren't "late". Of course my definition of late is arriving less than 25 mins before the time I am suppose to be there.

Haven said...

Ahaha, your definition of late and my definition of late are exactly the same =) Not for things like posting really, but if I need to be somewhere I need to leave silly early just in case something happens and there's some potential for me to not be on time, causing people to wait for me, potentially getting angry, and I'd have ruined everyone's night. Being late = panic.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...