We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Delusions of Grandeur Pt 2

What's inside your head?

I thought I would make this a mini-series. Lifetime would be so impressed.Part One is here

For me, this symptom is one I think I suffer from the worst. It causes me to have an all or nothing approach to life. I get ideas in my head and I have literally no impulse control whatsoever when an idea does jump into my brain. I am however funner than hell to be around.

Bored? Ooh ooh let's go swimming. At night. In the ocean. Naked.

Hungry?  let's take the bikes. Downtown. At 2 am. For burgers. Ooh ooh and do a few wheelies and burn outs and then run from the cops because there is no way in hell they can catch a bike.

It doesn't matter what you mention. I will do it. Not only do it but believe I am the absolute best mo' fo' around. You say 10 I will do 20. If I can't, then I will pimp my blood out to make sure I get it done. This is what has caused me to lose my life. Not once, but three times. There are no consequences in my world. No thoughts of tomorrow. Just an idea pops in my brain and within 5 mins I will have sold my soul to do whatever bizarre, insane thought my twisted  brain decided to conjure up.

What I hate the most is not that I do this, it is that people  LET me do this. I don't get this. If you truly LOVE someone, then tell them to sit the fuck down that there is no way in hell this is a good idea. Do NOT let them jump out of the plane without their parachute. Do not be afraid when I say I hate you because you told me no. I don't really hate you. I am testing you. To see if you're real or fake.

In my twisted mind, a true friend will tell me no. A fake one will jump with me. If you jump, then it doesn't matter how much I pretend to like you. In my head, I know you're not real.

Confused yet? Try living with my brain in your head for a day.

One day Jigger and I were having an argument. He yelled at me that this was my problem. That this is the reason my life is so screwed up. We were screaming at each other, and when he said that, without thinking I instantly screamed back, "You don't think  I don't fucking know this?! I hate being this way. I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop myself."

I didn't even realize what I was saying until after the words had left my mouth. Jigger stood there in silence, staring at me. It was the first time he realized that I didn't like the way I was. That I don't want to be this way, but I don't have control over it.

I hate this part of bipolar the most. It makes me feel powerless and helpless. Two things I hate to feel. Two things that are triggers for me. So it is really a vicious cycle that I have trouble sorting through. It also makes me unable to trust myself. I always doubt if what I am seeing or feeling is true or if it is my brain twisting things. Then I feel the need to choose the worst case scenario and prepare for that. My life then becomes a self fulfilled prophecy, but my delusions are confirmed because the worst did happen. What I don't realize is that I made it happen.

Let's take a poll. Shall we?

Who's crazier? 

a.)Me for believing I could see spirits, talk to the dead, read minds, tell the future 
b.)the people who believed me and asked me to read for them and based their decisions upon whatever I said including marrying the person I said they should marry?

Is it you inside my head
Is it you inside who says
That I've become, someone else

"inside my head - di-rect"


Rafa said...


Aimee said...

So, the swimming and the burgers at 2am are just cool. Just so you know that. I've done both, and probably will again. Some impulsivity is NOT a bad thing. BuuUUUUuuut.....I can't really say I know jack about some of the delusions of grandeur. I've never really had a problem with that type of thing. But my husband is a master of knowing when to tell me NO. He's got that shit down to a science. Otherwise, I would have probably left that plane without a parachute.

Maasiyat said...

Totally agree with the "some" part but the problem is knowing when it is too much and when to stop. I don't know when to stop. Unfortunately for me, I had people around me that either encouraged me and made my delusions seem "real" or people that didn't give a flying rat's ass about me and could have cared less what I was doing. Neither are good for a bipolar to be around.

hed said...

I wish I could explain my Bipolar like you do. Sometimes it just gets crammed all up in my head.

I get hypo-manic, meaning I start college and take on two jobs while joining a gym and counting all of my calories up in a journal and on and on and on.



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