We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Thursday, 21 April 2011

They Must Be Lying

I have noticed recently that the voices in my head do not like being "praised" or told they are "good". I have never really known what to do when someone complimented me. Does saying "thank you" mean I am conceited? I never know what is expected of me when people say "wow that is amazing". What do they want from me? I just don't know.

Until recently I never realized how much I degrade and belittle myself. Mostly because there was no one really to "praise" me. Jigger doesn't count because he is married to me and therefore subject to torture should he not say nice things so his nice things don't count. It's my world I make the rules and change them as I please. 

I have been doing some freelance work and the people I have been working for do nothing but compliment my designs. Which is odd for me. I instantly think "they must be lying, why won't they just tell me the truth". I constantly say "if you don't like it, please tell me. It won't hurt my feelings. I know I am not that good". It's bizarre hearing such compliments and I don't think I realized how little I thought of myself until these last few weeks when I started doing this design work. 

I have always said things to myself, but before I had no proof that the thoughts were wrong. I was a whore. I was/am a bitch. I was all of the negative things my brain said I was. I was doing those things. I had no reason to doubt the thoughts in my head because they were true, but now I am not so sure. Don't get me wrong I don't think I am Picasso but maybe I am not the horribly bad person I have told myself I was my entire life. 

Honestly I don't know. I am afraid that I am going to sabotage this path I have started on because that is what I always do whenever anything good comes near me. I destroy it. Rip it to shreds because I don't deserve "good". Then I distance myself from those who think good of me and surround myself with those that degrade me because that is what I deserve. 

At least that is what the voices say I deserve and I am their slave. Sometimes willing. Sometimes not, but in the end, they usually get their way. They know the real me. The me I hide from the world. They know the truth. The people who say "good" about me don't know what I have hidden in the closet. If they did, then they wouldn't say those nice things about me. 

When I first met Jigger, he asked me why I told people about some of the things in my past. I replied, "it makes it easier to weed out those who are fake and those who have potential". I mean if I tell you and you stick around, you're either as sick as I am or someone I can trust. I must test you to find out which. Jigger just looked at me like I was speaking Klingon or something.   But in my mind, it makes sense. Why invest six months or a year of my time and life in being "friends' with people who in the end are just going to leave. If they are going to leave, then damn it leave now. Don't waste my fucking time. 

Trying to figure people out is like trying to solve a crossword puzzle in Japanese except I think I could figure the puzzle out before I did people and I don't even speak Japanese. 

My brother, you love her
But don't give up your instincts
Hang onto you know what
They'll be gone fast as you blink

They're trained to seduce you
Suck you dry quick as they can
They bite down, reduce you
Now you're barely a man

Oh my God
How could You deny the flood
That's flowing through You?

"liar - korn"


Lance said...

I struggle with this too. It's taken me years to get past "what do they want" or "are they really complimenting me or does it mean something else". Therapy allegedly teaches you that liking yourself opens your heart and mind to praise and good feelinsg exhibited toward you. I assume that' strue.

Good post and THANK YOU for reading my story and commenting.

Maasiyat said...

Thank YOU for reading mine.

hed said...

My therapist always says I need to say positive thoughts out loud because it will reinforce them. I tell her I can't because saying nice things would be a lie.


Maasiyat said...

For me also I prefer brutal honesty at all times for people. I don't get offended by brutal honesty the way others do and because I tend to be more honest than most and by that I mean I will tell that dress makes your ass look fat without thinking twice. I want others to do that for me and I know most people don't which pisses me off so when people are being nice I never know do they really mean it or are they afraid to say my ass looks fat?


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