We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Second Guessing Paranoia

Do you see what I see? Probably not. I have often noticed that my perceptions of events are not necessarily what is actually happening or being said to me.This inability to correctly perceive what others say has often times landed me in deep shit. I have agreed to do things without ever realizing what I was agreeing to and by the time I did realize it was too late. Either I went down or walked home. Considering the walk home is over 25 miles and going down takes 5 mins. Which one do you think I picked?

I have also noticed in my writing that often times what I am saying in my head is not necessarily what comes out in my writing. I can only assume this happens when I speak as well. Which would explain why people get pissed at me a lot and the majority think I am a bitch, cold hearted, and rude. While I think I am funny, generous to a fault and charming.

Whenever I am having a conversation with someone, what most people don't realize is that in my head there are multiple conversations taking place at once. You may say "it's cold in here" and in my head I am thinking "does that mean I am suppose to do something, should I turn on the heat, close the window, did I do something wrong, is it my fault that it's cold in here, do I get you a jacket, make hot tea, but what if you prefer coffee, I don't want to ask because that might offend you because I should know whether or not you drink tea or coffee, but how could I know because we just met and I haven't had time to ask, but I did open the window earlier, are you angry about that? you're angry with me because yesterday I had the window open and now it's cold in here and you blame me for that and you will hate me forever and not want to be with me because "It's cold in here". 

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to others because I am so paranoid that something I say will be taken in the wrong way. I constantly apologize for things "just in case" I did something wrong and don't realize it.The one question I ask Jigger the most is , "but what do you mean when you say that?" and he just looks at me sometimes like he has no idea what I am asking because all he said was "it's cold in here".

I very rarely comment first on people's blogs and if I do comment first, it's usually a very generic "great post" or "I totally get where you're coming from" reply because those are "safe" replies that can't be misunderstood. If I want to write a longer comment, then I read what other people have commented just to be sure that what you said was actually funny/sad/angry and that I haven't misunderstood what you were trying to say.

It's too bad people don't come with a comment box. Wouldn't that be cool? Then when someone said something to me I could just look at previous comments and know how to respond. It would so make my life easier. Ok minions you all need to get working on this. People comment boxes coming to a Tesco's near you. Fall 2012.

It's funny this post actually came about because of a comment I made and then apologized for because I wasn't sure if how my comment would be perceived. I had an amazing conversation with the person (you know who you are) about this and I am very glad I did because I think that this must be something that a lot of people with bipolar and any PD really go through. In some form or fashion. Our world spins in the opposite direction of others and it's one reason I think we feel so alone and misunderstood. At least I know I do.

Actually a thought just came to me. Something I had never realized before but as I was typing this I just realized it. Living in a world where you can't trust your own perceptions, where you are never quite certain if what you're seeing is "real" or if it's just in your head causes an enormous amount of stress, anxiety, panic, fear, uncertainty, doubt, inability to act to move forward.

Imagine you're driving somewhere and you become lost. You don't know where you are or how to get to where you're going. You start to feel anxious, panicked, uncertain. You don't know what to do. Everything around you is unfamiliar. You don't know what is safe and what is unsafe.  Now imagine living like that 24 hrs a day 7 days a week 365 days a year for as many years as you are on this planet.

That's what it's like to be me.

Where you going now?
when your world's turned inside out
isn't love what it's all about?
where you going now?
when you get to the top of the hill
gonna be there yes I will

"where are you going now - damn yankees"


Lance said...

ahhh, good to see someone else overthinks the room like I do. I guess you and I would be the ones to talk to each other at parties.

I know what you mean.

I'll type something, then worry the perosn will take it wrong because I'm sarcastic or whatever.

I like this post.

Aimee said...

I used to be that way. And then I quit giving a shit. I just automatically assumed that anything coming out of my mouth would cause the whole room to fall silent, all eyes glaring at me. So I either don't say a word or just let it fly, whatever falls out of my mouth first wins. The people I care about most know what the fuck I'm trying to say, and the people I don't care about can suck my dick.

Maasiyat said...

Lance, isn't it funny how in a crowded room of people, two crazies can sniff each other out? I tend to have a sarcastic streak in me which often doesn't translate well online so that makes it even worse than in real life.

SarcasmInAction said...

Sarcastic side of you, eh? It's like we're sisters.
My blog post today is dedicated to you being my 69. Check it out!
And thank you!

Haven said...

“I have often noticed that my perceptions of events are not necessarily what is actually happening or being said to me.”
Definitely true for me. Except I always think I’m right. That my perception is correct. Unfortunately ‘my correct’ perceptions tend to be focused negatively at me and I get upset. This turns directly into that 12 different conversations of how it’s my fault. I try to preemptively stop this. I try so hard to take care of other people. Make sure they’re helped and happy because that way maybe they won’t be upset with me for something I think.
What I say, that I say things, depends ENTIRELY on my mood. Some days I won’t speak up for fear that I’ll make someone mad, and if I even think I’ve said something offensive I’ll do that thing where I try to explain /exactly/ what I mean ad nauseum and apologize for any misunderstanding, even though I think I’m right and shouldn’t have to apologize. Other days I’ll be flat out blunt, unapologetic and biting. In my head I’ll know I shouldn’t say these things, I’ll want to apologize but then I get angry at myself for being a pushover so I don’t apologize even though I think I probably should.
Convoluted, all of it.

I empathize completely.

Miss Rosie said...

I have social anxiety and depression. I have to give myself a reality check now that I am not the topic of conversation in the room, its not good conversation either. I'm tired of constantly living in fear that everyone is "out to get me", even with medication I still live with this problem, but not as severe.

new follower

Girl At Rock Show said...

Just so you know...you can always just say what you think to me. You may surprise yourself. ;)

hed said...

You're awesome! Really!

It's just self-confidence and rejection issues. We so badly want to be a part of the group but feel so not normal sometimes. I think we think so outside of the box that hearing something like "it's cold in here" is something that needs to be analyzed to death so we say the right thing.

We meaning me I guess...



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