We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Just One for Me Please

So I have been out of it for the last few days. Last couple weeks actually. I am certain a lot of it has to do with me not being medicated. I am also a rapid cycler* which doesn't help matters and I tend to "switch"*  regularly which only makes me even harder to get along with. It's like being on a never ending roller coaster. I appreciate all of you hanging in there with me. It's strange for me to have so "many" people that I am interacting with. Something about the distance of being "online" makes it easier for me to interact with so many people all at once.

Offline however is a far different story. I often only have ONE friend at a time. I watch ONE TV show at a time (when/if I watch TV that is). I have ONE food that I eat (when/if I eat). My life offline revolves around the singular. Anything plural makes me nervous, anxious, panicky. Having more than ONE friend at a time is just more than my brain can comprehend. I stress myself out and worry that one will become jealous if I spend time with the other. Or even worse they will become friends and BOTH leave me.

I feel I have more control in my online relationships. I can turn them on or off as I see fit. I can reply when I choose and there isn't the feeling of having to put on a "front". If I am feeling pissy, then I just don't come online. No need to explain my absence. No need to answer unwanted questions. When I make a post saying I am having an off day, the people here understand and don't push me beyond my comfort zones. Maybe it's because the majority of my online relationships are also with people who have bipolar or another PD so there is an understanding that doesn't exist with the people offline because none of them have bipolar and/or don't know that I have it.

I have had to do quite a bit of physical work the last few days which has helped me to kick depression out of my bed sooner than I normally would have. I have noticed that the more physically active I am the less severe my depression is and the less it stays. The problem is that I can't always be as active as I have been the last few days so when depression rears its ugly head, it usually bends me over and has its way with me for as long as it wants and only leaves when it's good and ready to.

rapid cycling: The official definition of rapid cycling is four or more distinct episodes of depression and hypo/mania a year. 

switch:   If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling.

When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?

There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on In the end
There's a peace inside us all 

"inside us all -creed"

1 comment:

Haven said...

I completely understand what you mean about worrying that if you have two friends they might become friends and then both leave you. I've had this fear more times than I can count.

For a very long time I refused therapy and medication. I used exercise to 'medicate' my depression and problems. I still use exercise as my most reliable form of mood stabilizer. Being physically active isn't enough (obviously) but I've always found it to help too.

Hope you get some down time for you soon.


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