I have many demons, skeletons, or whatever you prefer to call them hiding in my closet. Things that would make some people run for the hills to get as far away from me as possible. Things I am not proud of and things I regret deeply. Things that most days I would love to forget and pretend they didn't happen. Things that I bury deep down inside of me. Things that I keep hidden in the dark so people won't see the "real" me. The ugly me.
I make myself pretty. I show the world a pretend version of me. One that is likeable. One that people want to be around, but it's not the "real" me either. Truth be told I don't know what the real me is. I don't know if I will ever put my puzzle pieces together so that I can finally see the image they make.
I look at other people and they seem to have it all put together. They know exactly what they want and who they are and where they're going. A part of me wishes I were like that, but another part of me thinks it would be boring. To know everything. A part of me says there must be "more" than "this" or is "this" really all there is?
Honestly I don't know what the answer is. I know I have spent years searching for some magical land that would make me feel "whole", but it doesn't exist. It's just a fairy tale. It's not real. After I married Jigger, I gave up on that magical fairy tale land of completeness. I stopped searching for it and a strange thing happened. It found me. I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. When I finally stopped running, I realized that part of me that was missing, wasn't really missing after all. I had just hidden away in the darkness and forgotten it was there. All this time I had been running around trying to find it and it was behind me the whole time. I just never saw it because I had been searching for it in all the wrong places. If I hadn't met Jigger, if he hadn't made me stop, then I would have probably kept on looking in the wrong direction and I would have never found "peace".
I am still not whole. There are still parts of me that are missing, but I am closer today to putting my puzzle together than I have ever been in my whole life. It's all because I stopped running from the demons hidden in my closet. I opened the door. I turned on the light and I faced them. I looked them right in the eye and accepted that they are a part of me, but they aren't all of me.
6 comments:
Your paragraph about marrying Jigger and having your wholeness come to you really spoke to me. I feel the same way about J, and how he really helped to see me as I am.
Great post.
hed
Great post.
Have you ever watched Breakfast at Tiffany's? It's a movie I total relate to, and I think you may, too...I relate to a lot of what you said about searching, running, and opening the door...
Being Bipolar myself, I completely understand your brain! I am so following you!
I swear you ARE me.
It is amazing to me how much I relate to so many of your posts (that I've read thus far). It's nice to know I am not alone. The people in my life, they just do not understand - they cannot comprehend how I feel, and why I say, think, or do the things I do. It's very frustrating.
The one thing I have found most surprising is how many people out there seem to understand what I am saying. Before I started blogging I felt pretty isolated so it's nice to know that I am not alone.
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