I have been suicidal for pretty much the entire time I have been on this planet. It may not seem obvious to most people. I haven't slit my wrists or OD'd. I haven't painted the wall with my brains so people think I am OK. However I am far from ok. I am better today than I was before, but I still have moments. Some forms of suicide are obvious and others are more subtle.
For many years I prayed my entire existence would just end. That I would DISAPPEAR from the face of the earth or that the earth would open up and SWALLOW me. I did things. Things that would have probably KILLED most people. Dangerous stupid things.I did them hoping, praying that they would somehow ERASE me. All I wanted was for the pain to just STOP. It hurt so badly and if I could just VANISH, then the pain wouldn't be able to find me. I just wanted it to STOP.
When these moods come, I tend to disconnect from myself. Put myself in extremely dangerous situations, but what most people don't realize is that I truly don't know how much danger I am in. I truly can't see how far down the rabbit hole I have fallen. Sometimes I don't even know I am falling. There are times, even now, when I think is this all really worth the struggle? Would it be easier to just fall inside of myself and let the darkness take over? To just sit in the corner and cease to EXIST?
It does scare me sometimes that maybe one day I will fall into myself and I will get so lost I won't be able to find my way back. Then another part of me thinks, would that really be so bad? Letting the insanity take over?
I think what most people don't understand is that people who commit suicide don't want to die. They just want the pain to STOP. Most of the time they don't even realize they are committing suicide. The first time I attempted suicide I was 13. Severely depressed. It wasn't something I planned or thought about. One Friday night I walked into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet to look for the nail clippers, instead I saw bottles of pills. Some my mum's. Some my Gran's. Some mine. Before I realized what I was doing, I had taken half of them. I returned the empty bottles back to their place in the medicine cabinet, walked to my room, and simply lay down to go to sleep. I left no note. I had not consciously planned it. It just happened.
Before anyone starts getting the wrong idea, I am not suicidal. No need to go calling anyone. These are just thoughts that I think most people with PD struggle with. Fighting insanity is a constant battle that doesn't ever end. After fighting for so long, you begin to wonder if it's really worth the battle.
8 comments:
I know that place. It's dark and scary most of the time. I noticed you referenced the rabbit hole more in a negative way this time. The rabbit hole isn't always a bad place. Sometimes it's beautiful. Just beware the Jabberwocky.
Then I need to find your rabbit hole because there is no cheshire and no tea parties in mine. Just Jabberwockies and darkness.
I'm telling you-you HAVE to buy this book called "The Noonday Demon" (I would normally send you it when I am done, but I'm keeping this one forever). In the chapter titled "Breakdowns" he talks about how he wanted to die but didn't have the energy to plan it all out or the motivation to do it. He actually consciously made a plan to visit male hookers to try and infect himself with HIV. It's pretty shocking and intense.
I know what you're saying. You don't really have the will to kill yourself, but you wish you would just die in your sleep or get struck by lightning. I get it. Thank you for explaining it so well.
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For me it wasn't so much that I didn't have to will or energy to "plan" a suicide. In my beliefs suicide is unforgiveable and because of that I would never "actively" commit suicide, but I definitely begged for an "end" simply because my beliefs wouldn't allow me to have suicide as an option. Otherwise I would be dead by now. I think this is why I did some of the things I did though as a sort of passive suicide.
Suicide is one thing I can honestly say I have never considered. I guess I'm far too narcissistic-slash-terrified of death. I HAVE thought the people in my life would be better off without me. I have wished I could end the screaming in my head. I have thought that I'd rather be dead than continue for even one more day in whatever situation I was in. But I've never actually carried out any sort of plan. I can't imagine the utter blackness and loneliness that must have surrounded you. I will personally swim across the fucking ocean to slap you upside the head if you ever fuck with yourself! You add color to an otherwise beige world, my love.
I really like your blog. I am praying for you. I have family membors who struggle with bi-polar. Bless you.
Maasiyat: What you wrote really hit home for me. "I think what most people don't understand is that people who commit suicide don't want to die. They just want the pain to STOP." THANK YOU...so many people just don't get that. I hate when people tell me that they don't understand depression. What I always tell them is something I wrote while I was severely depressed: Depression cannot comprehend sanity, and likewise sanity cannot comprehend depression.
I actually got a tattoo on my arm that says "Dear God, Please make me a bird, so I can fly, fly far, far away from here". More than anything, I want to get away from myself. I know how you feel, not wanting to kill yourself but wanting to disappear.
What I remind myself is that I am FEELING depressed, rather than BEING depressed. In separating myself from the experience, I can start to remind myself that I am more than this, that pain is something I can transform into strength.
Easier said than done though, huh? You're doing great though. Your blog is wonderful, and your giving eyes into a world that is stigmatized and misunderstood.
Yes. Exactly. I've so often felt like this - wanting to just end pain, and get away from everything. There are so many nights I've fallen asleep praying that God just not let me wake up in the morning, to take my life from me. It's not that I want to die, but sometimes it all feels so overwhelming that I just want it to be over.
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