We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Culmination of all Things Catastrophic




So last night as I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling through the pitch black darkness, I had an epiphany. I was thinking about the events of this week. All that happened. All that I had managed on my own. All that could have gone wrong but didn't. What may still be wrong but I am not sure of. I thought that I should write this all down each week as a way of seeing what I did right or wrong. What I could have done better or just remember what I did good. Then it hit me. Fucktard you have a blog. Oh yea I do. So I thought on Sundays I would sort of do a weekly wrap up. I don't necessarily blog about some things that are too personal or that are identity revealing but on Sundays I could still sort of throw hints and innuendos in there and it would be a way for me to look over the week, see where I still need to improve, where I am doing ok with, and sort of chart my progress through the insanity.

So this marks the first week of wrapping the crazy in pretty paper and pretending it's not dogshit. Let's see what happens:

I had a lot of issues this week. My computer decided to go batshit crazy and nearly gave me a heart attack. I am proud of myself for the way I handled it. Ordinarily I get all chicken little "the sky is falling let's head for the hills" when things go wrong. Regardless of how small or fixable things are they seem world ending to me. It's as if my world has shattered into a million pieces and I don't know how to put them back together again.

However this week, I managed to duct tape things back together. I was offered an amazing gift of friendship. Which is even more shocking to me than my not falling apart this week when everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I am truly amazed by the kindness of strangers. My view of people is very negative. I am always on the look out. Waiting for them to attack me, waiting for them to turn on me, because it always happens, but the people I have met through blogging have reminded me while I have made bad choices in the people I had around me, that not everyone is an asswipe. There are good people out there. People who would move mountains to help you, who do so much just by listening. People who are truly human.

What else happened this week? I got quite a bit of work done on my project. I am truly excited about this project. It is simply amazing. I have learned so much. I always do whenever I do these projects. I learn things that I didn't even know existed. Things I didn't even know I didn't know. It just amazes me at how much there is out there. How much we have to learn and how if we learned just a little bit then we truly could do so much more than we are doing now.

So all in all it's been a pretty good week especially compared to the week before. I was told to focus and I did. I have to remember that I need an extreme amount of focus, planning, and scheduling to keep my skin from wanting to crawl off. My gran use to say "idle hands are the devil's work" and for me an idle mind sends me to that place of unease. That place where I want to go forward in a 1000 different directions all at once but I don't want to move. I don't like that place. I do stupid things when I am in that place, but focus keeping my mind focused on one particular thing keeps me at least eased enough that I don't feel like peeling my skin off and sowing it together so that it fits better.

That's about it. It's all I remember anyways but that's not saying much. There are days I barely remember my own name. So I shall leave you with this little diddy:


4 comments:

Aimee said...

You are a remarkable person, and so much stronger than me. I wonder if you think about, or give yourself credit for, the fact that you are doing all of this without any medication at all. That's beyond huge. That borders on superhuman.

The Bipolar Diva said...

with duct tape we can conquer anything!

Kristy said...

You are a really brillant writer. really dont like many people but have started smiling and being social. It really is all mood and personality.

Sapphire Dragonflies said...

First, let me apologize for being a little late here. I've not looked at blogland since Friday. Thank you for inspiring me to keep on keepin' on...

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